Please guys, I really need your advice. Break up and third party situation

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This topic has 19 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 2 weeks ago by him.

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March 24, 2020 at 4:11 pm #345148

Anonymous
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Dear Anna:

“Me and her don’t have one thing in common,”- you and her have him in common, and that’s not a good thing for you or for her.

“which makes me feel like he has wanted someone like her this whole time”- more likely he was fine with you, then saw her and wanted her too. Imagine him with a strawberry ice cream, having a lot of it, enjoying it very much.. then he sees cherry ice cream and tries that, he likes it and wants more of that. He still likes strawberry, but maybe he likes cherry better for now. Later he may try chocolate ice cream and like it better than cherry and strawberry.

“Like he now realized he was with the wrong person this whole time (me)”- I don’t think so, not from what you shared. I think he simply likes another flavor now, and later, he will like another.

“I feel like she is better than me in everything”- no she isn’t. If she was better than you in everything, she would have chosen a different man for a boyfriend, one who doesn’t lie and who can be trusted.

You are letting your imagination hijack you when you “keep imagining them both happy and laughing and in love, and laughing at me.. new love starting or love at fist sight.. I imagine the two of them”- reality is that you checked their conversations and you have evidence (vs. imagination) that “they were fighting all the time, with bad words and everything”.

Question is are you willing to let go of fantasy/ your imaginings/ your obsession, and see him as he is: not a prince charming at the end of a fairytale book, walking forevermore into the sunset., “and they lived happily ever after. The End”.

Close that fairytale/ fiction book, and open a different book, a nonfiction book, a reality book, and start at The Beginning.

anita

March 26, 2020 at 1:07 am #345460

Anna
Participant

I feel like they’re soulmates because he choose her over me, risking to lose everything we planned and had, even for the second time now in February. He didn’t fight for me as much as he did for her. Even despite the arguing and bad words – he chooses her. And she is also very determined to have him…

I am so scared, I keep dreaming of them, during the day I keep imagining them. She will be getting goodmorning/goodnight texts, she will now about his everyday life or deepest secrets. I wont be the one he shares all this with anymore. I miss knowing him, I miss the little things he did.

I am reading a lot about breakups and situations like mine, and I am following the advices as much as I can but it is not getting better. I feel like I hate her and like I want to punch him, and I dont wanna be like this. I dont want to be a hateful person.

And I am so afraid that right now I am telling myself that I am okay, and then after some time, I see a picture or I see them together and I think I will fall aparat and will have to pass this proccess again.

I can’t seem to accept the fact that he may met the girl he wants to be during he was with me. How do I start doing that?

I am not a person who gets attached or close to people easily, but he is. And he is 25 but she is 30, so I feel like if they start a relationship it will lead to moving together or marriage and I cant take that, I cant live with that reality.

March 26, 2020 at 6:55 am #345482

Anonymous
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Dear Anna:

Regarding the beginning relationship with the other girl, he denied it at first: “he was always denying.. and lying. Then he confessed and said she was only sex… He said that he never… He said that he remembered… He said that he wants to end up… he said no I don’t communicate with her. But he was lying. He called me.. to tell me that he was crying… he says he is not.. He says that she is not.. He says he imagines his future… He says all this”-

You wrote yourself that he was always denying what is true and that he lied to you (I boldfaced it above). Doesn’t it means that anything of what he said, told and confessed to you may be a lie…

I counted TEN “he said” and “said” (italicized above)- what if what he said and said and said.. and confessed and told.. and said and said and said to you.. was not true…

What I am saying is that before you conclude that you are not worthy because he chose her, and that she is more worthy than you because he chose her, think: is he a man who is worthy to determine your worth, and her worth in comparison to you?

Maybe he is good looking, but he lies and he thinks it is okay to use a woman for sex (he “said she was only sex), so he is not a wonderful person, is he.

Do you think it’s okay to lie so much and use a woman for sex?

anita

March 26, 2020 at 7:41 am #345488

Anna
Participant

I think he is just telling me that its a sex thing , but I think they are far more serious, that is something I cant seem to accept

March 26, 2020 at 7:48 am #345490

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Anna:

I am trying and will be trying to help you feel better, to stop obsessing and instead, arrive to some peace of mind, acceptance and calm. Therefore I ask: what bothers you way more than the relationship ending, is that he chose another woman over you, true?

anita

March 26, 2020 at 8:15 am #345492
Anna
Participant
Leaving me , and leaving me for another woman. We had plans that were just about to be realised, our families were close, we were best friends and its not just in my imagination. I have like the anxious feeling that he met his soulmate while he was in a relationship with me, who is my complete opposite and realised that she is more worth it to fight over and that complete opposite is what he actually wanted, not me. I am scared because they got close so easily that quick. And I am deeply hurt that both of them talk about me in a bad way. He says its only her but I dont know what is he telling her so that she can talk that way and be comfortable to talk that way about his ex relationship. We were closer than what this end made us look, I feel like she is the girlfriend and I am the third party.. also him telling me that he still sees future only with me.. i cant accept the fact that he is happy with her
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
March 26, 2020 at 8:18 am #345500

Anna
Participant

I am sorry that I am such a mess up

March 26, 2020 at 8:45 am #345506

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Anna:

You wrote earlier: “I went through a lot in my childhood”, and: “my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died of lung cancer. I grew up learning how to take care of myself, and I was quite an individualistic person until I met him”-

– I think that the suffering you are experiencing now has to do with what happened in your childhood more than what happened recently. What happened in regard to this long distance (an hour plane flight away), activated your powerful emotional experience as a child, and this is why you are suffering so much now, and why you can hardly think clearly and logically.

As a child, you were left alone, neglected, not attended to in positive ways (being listened to, being treated empathetically, affectionately, kindly), while someone else got the positive attention that you didn’t get.

Fast forward, this woman is getting some positive attention from your long distance ex boyfriend, you are not, and the hurt and anger of your childhood gets activated.

The solution therefore is not in obsessing on this adult relationship, but in paying attention to what happened long ago. You may not feel like doing that, and it may feel easier to stay obsessed on this one thing, but what will make you feel better is directing your attention to the origin of your current suffering.

Will you tell me about your childhood experience, how you got negative attention (physical abuse) from your father, and perhaps you didn’t get positive attention (being listened to, being treated with kindness) fr0m either father or mother, while someone else got their positive attention?

anita

March 26, 2020 at 10:00 am #345514
Anna
Participant
Dear Anita,

I never felt like they were giving the attention to someone else, because they didnt. I also never felt jealous at other girls for getting attention from their parents or having something I didnt. I have an older sister and she has been through the same. One thing that I know for fact is from my mother is the feeling that everything is my fault and that no matter how good I am, I am never good enough. I would get A’s and she wouldn’t be satisfied and would give an example of someone else who did something better. Or I dont know, for example five years ago when my sister broke up with her boyfriend she said ‘oh what did you do this time, did they left you because you are stubborn and a bit overweight?’ Unlike my sister I knew how to conflict her about comments like this, but they were there while growing up. I recognize that now and during college.

And I have learn to do everything by myself, meaning check my own homework, find scholarships throughout education, choose my university and study field, pay bills, learning how to cope with loses throughout my life on my own. And I was, I think I still am, okay with that. That is why I connected with him so much, because for the first time I learned to lean on someone else, I learned to share and I learned to ask for help. I used to do everything by myself before and by falling in love with him and he becoming my best friend I said hey, relationships can work see? We were always talking how easy it is between us, how we are soulmates and we have everything planned about our future. I went through a lot with him because he also has a hard family situation
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
March 26, 2020 at 10:09 am #345524

Anna
Participant

And it felt like that throughout the 4 years together. I would never in a million years say that he would do something like this to me. Something that involves another woman and lying to her about me and talking bad with her about me. I honestly feel like if he has another girlfriend now, it would be easier for me. But not this girl, not someone compleeeetely different he met while we were together and not someone who was the reason for him to break up with me twice.

March 26, 2020 at 10:39 am #345538

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Anna:

You wrote that when you were a child your mother caused you to feel that “no matter how good I am, I am never good enough. I would get A’s and she wouldn’t be satisfied and would give me an example of someone else who did something better”-

– that someone else who “did something better” is the girlfriend that your boyfriend chose to replace you with. When your mother criticized you and compared you so someone better than you, she instilled in you a great hurt for not being good enough, and a terrible jealousy for whomever it was that she thought was better than you.

Fast forward, you are now focused and obsessed with that current someone who is “everything he wanted, while I was a work in progress.. She practices yoga, is slimmer and more elastic than me, funnier..”.

You wrote regarding your parents: “I never felt like they were giving the attention to someone else, because they didn’t”- when your mother compared you to other girls your age, pointing to you that you are not being good enough, but the other girl is good enough, in those comments, she gave you negative attention/ disapproval and she gave her positive attention/ approval.

“I also never felt jealous at other girls for getting attention from their parents or having something I didn’t”- you felt jealous at other girls for getting, not their mother’s attention, but your mother’s attention (her approval of the other girls vs her disapproval of you). The other girls had something you didn’t have: your mother’s approval as being good enough.

You wrote more, but I want to pause here and get your reaction to what I wrote so far.

anita

March 26, 2020 at 10:46 am #345540
Anna
Participant
I started crying, I never saw this from that perspective. All I did these month was crying over him, losing someone who loved me and took care of me for once, someone who said I am the one. These days I am crying of the thought that they are happy and she is the one , not me..

how can I work on this? I really want to feel better, because right now I do think that if I was more physically active and going out more and prettier , I would still have him. Right now all I think is that if I was a bit like her.. at least a bit, I would still have him. I also dont think I will find someone who will love me like they did and who will take care of me like they did.. and I cant keep crying everyday, I dont have focus, I cant concentrate on anything else but how they will start living together and be happier than we were and that he will start questioning why did he stayed so long in a relationship with me..

I think that If I see them engaged or living together, I wil kill myself. I cant handle that
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Anna.
March 26, 2020 at 10:48 am #345546

Anna
Participant

Thank you so much for taking time to read my drama and answer me, I am really really thankful 🙂

March 26, 2020 at 11:42 am #345556

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Anna:

You are welcome. You can see now, as an adult (and probably since you were a teenager) that your mother did wrong criticizing you and your sister. You can see your mother’s wrongdoings now, and if she criticizes you now for something she never did before, it may not affect you so badly, you may doubt her.

But when you were a young child, within your first decade of life, you didn’t doubt your mother. For a young child, her mother is god, all knowing, all .. everything. What she said- you automatically believed.

As a child, you loved your mother completely, you wanted nothing more than to be good enough in her mind and heart. So when she told you that you were not good enough, and that other girls your age were good enough, that created an emotional injury in you hurt a whole lot and for a long time.

When this man, your ex boyfriend, un-chose you and chose another young woman, it re-activated that emotional injury, opened that wound and it hurts again, a whole lot.

What to do now: heal that injury. Unfortunately it will take you many months, probably a few years to heal that injury, if you work hard and if you persist working hard.

Of course you want to feel good now (and you can feel good now, here and there, for example when you take a hot bath, or watch a good movie, etc.. But the injury will not and cannot disappear.

Best place to do emotional healing is in quality psychotherapy. In these days of social distancing, this is not likely. In better times, many can’t afford it, or don’t want to do the hard work, start and quit.. or find themselves with a psychotherapist who is not good at what she/he does.

Here, in the context of your thread, I am willing to help you best I can, over time.

Notice this: even if you do feel better now, or soon, and you “get it” rationally that you were good enough all along (and you were!), even if for a moment you feel good enough, the feeling of not being good enough, the hurt, the anger, the jealousy.. all these will return again and again, and hurt a lot, again and again. I know, because it happened to me and I’ve seen it happen with hundreds of people.

No magical solution, only time and hard, persistent work, to not give up when you feel badly, when you believe once again, that you are not good enough, but keep going nonetheless.

If you are interested, I am here.

anita

March 27, 2020 at 9:57 am #345746

Anna
Participant

Dear Anita,

Yes, please help me. I appreciate it a lot.

I cant stop thinking that he will give compliments to her now, be with her, share everything with her and not with me. I cant accept that he wont be part of my life anymore and that he is not my best friend anymore, no matter how hard I try.

I think I will never find someone to love me and take care of me like he did
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