Dear limbinkanimaria:

Today, March 3, 2020, you wrote: “I must be looking for lying, because that is what I see in him.. a lie.. I still found myself the lying as ‘bad’.. if he lies to his parents, he will probably lie to me… lying to his parents”.

Four years ago, January 2016, you wrote: “I am obsessive about needing people to  be honest with me… I’m a Nazi about people being honest with me.. if he did in fact lie about this, that he might lie about more important things in the future”.

In a previous thread I suggested that your mother lied to you, but you then turned a blind eye to her lies and instead you see her lies in other people.

Sometimes other people lie, but often people are simply not accurate. Unlike mechanical, computerized robots, humans are not accurate. Examples of inaccuracy, we forget things;  remember evens in the wrong context of place and time, remembering something that happened last year as something that happened two years ago,  or we remember two things happening in one night when in reality they happened in two different nights months or years apart. We remember something as red when it was blue, and we remember people saying words they didn’t actually say. These are not lies because there is no intention to state and untruth. We honestly remember things inaccurately.

Some white (harmless or even helpful) lies are lies, but they are appropriate. For an example, let’s look at the man you shared about in your post today: “There were some instances where he would be talking on the phone with his mom when I was hanging out with him, and she asked if he went out to dinner with anyone but he would say ‘just myself’, which was a lie because he went out to dinner with me”-

– if his mother is in the habit of interrogating him when she knows he went on a date with a woman, asking him many questions, or even worse, if she blames him for going for dinner with a woman instead of having dinner with her, suggesting he is betraying her by dating, then his lie that he is by himself is appropriate.

It will be similar to you at 17 (or older) binging, and your mother having made shameful comments to you about binging, it would have been appropriate for you to lie if she asked you: did you binge today?

* You wrote about this man and previous men in your life: “I have deemed him as unfit as a partner for me… I keep attracting similar energy”- and you probably will continue to do so until and if you deem your mother as an unfit mother to you and reject her lying-energy.

anita