fbpx
Menu

Toxic Relationship

Home→Forums→Relationships→Toxic Relationship

New Reply
Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • January 3, 2020 at 6:56 pm #330953
    Whelan
    Participant

    I could use some support/advice on how to get out of what I think is a toxic relationship.  My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years.  We recently broke up (the fifth time) just before New Years Eve.  It came about because we were bed one night to sleep and I wasn’t tired yet.  He seemed like he was sleeping and I knew he had to wake early for work the next day and I didn’t want to disturb him.  So I got up and took my phone to hang out in the living room for a bit until I got tired.   I was surfing through instagram and just trying to get sleepy so I could go back to bed.  10 mins later he came down and started accusing me of acting shady with my phone and cheating on him.  Why else would I get out of bed and take my phone?  Nothing I said could calm him down. I even offered to hand my phone over to him so he could look for himself but he refused and threatened to smash my phone.  It escalated from 0 to 100 so quickly.  He started calling me names, and before I knew he announced it was over between us and he was out the door with an armful of his clothes.  He wouldn’t listen to a word I said and shouted over me the whole time.  I felt invisible and helpless.

    Our fights are always about the same thing, trust.  They never get resolved and are on a repeat cycle.  His temper is horrible and he’ll either stonewall me for a day or two or outright end the relationship without hearing me out. A few days later he always comes back and wants to work it out.  I’m sick of it.  But I love him. I think I have low self esteem. I think I’m afraid of being alone.  What else is toxic about this relationship?  He’s cheated on me 3 times that I know of.  I’ve never cheated but I’m now constantly accused of doing so or wanting to.  The fights are always instigated by him.  I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.  I could look at him the wrong way and he’ll start a mega fight.  He doesn’t validate my feelings and accuses of me of being to stupid to know what I’m actually feeling or hiding my true feelings from him.  I don’t feel secure in our future or how he really feels about me ever.  He never kisses me, tells me he loves me, doesn’t even ask me how my day was.  We don’t go out or do anything but sit in the house and watch tv or eat when we’re together.  He goes out with friends but never invites me.  If I go out and invite him he doesn’t want to go.

    He wants to meet this evening to talk and I have a sick feeling in my stomach.  I miss him still despite everything and I’m depressed without him but the idea of going back is just as bad…

    January 3, 2020 at 8:04 pm #331039
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whelan:

    I read just a bit of your post, but will be able to read all tomorrow morning, in about 10 hours from now. If you had the conversation with him by the time you read this, please share was said in the conversation. I will read and reply when I am back to the computer,

    anita

    January 3, 2020 at 9:35 pm #331047
    Whelan
    Participant

    We met and it did not go well.  He was still so prickly and angry.  I felt sick to my stomach and so anxious the whole time… The idea of reconciling and repeating the cycle again was unbearable to me.  It’s over but I’m still so sad. I still miss him.  It’s so weird being torn between two opposite feelings.  I knew we could have got back together and things would have been good for a short while.  He’d be sweet and attentive and our relationship would be like I always wanted it to be.  But it always sours for some reason.  He gets bored? He’s has anger issues? He starts picking fights over little things that make no sense.

    He told me he loved me and wanted to continue working on this.. I told him I couldn’t.  Not only did he not trust me for his own reasons but I didn’t trust him after being lied to and cheated on by him 3 times…. He’s furious.  He wants me to return the phone he bought me after our last big fight… It’s the only phone I have…Also it’s the only gift he ever gave me in our entire relationship.  He says he’s burning/trashing all gifts or items that remind him of me.  I’m just getting a slew of angry texts messages here.  He’s blocking me…. He’ll have a new and ‘better’ girlfriend by tomorrow.

    How do you heal from this?

    January 4, 2020 at 6:24 am #331069
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whelan:

    It has been an abusive, or toxic relationship because of these behaviors:

    1) He accused you of something but didn’t listen to a word you said in response, or to your offer of evidence to refute his accusation.

    2) He threatened to smash your phone.

    3) He shouted at you.

    4) He called you names.

    Any of the above is abusive, and the above being a “repeat cycle”, makes the relationship repeatedly abusive.

    “I could look at him the wrong way and he’ll start a mega fight”- for a person doing the looking, this is a recipe for escalated anxiety, what you called “walking on eggshells”.

    I don’t understand this part though: you wrote, “He never kisses me, tells me he loves me, doesn’t even ask how my day was. We don’t go out or do anything.. He goes out with friends but never invites me”,

    but then you wrote: “I knew we could have got back together and things would have been good for a short while. He’d be sweet and attentive and our relationship would be like I always wanted it to be“-

    – if he never kissed you, never told you that he loved you, never takes you on a date, how is/ was the relationship ever good, ever like you always wanted it to be, and how was he ever sweet and attentive to you?

    And then, you wrote regarding the talk you had with him last evening: “He told me he loved me”- but earlier you wrote: “He never .. tells me he loves me”.

    anita

    January 4, 2020 at 9:09 am #331089
    Whelan
    Participant

    Anita,

    I told him many times that I didn’t feel secure in his feelings for me during our relationship because of the way he treated me…. He knew what I needed to feel loved but could only provide it for short periods of time and it always followed a big fight.  The only times he would tell me he loved me was when I was about to give up.  He would make an effort to plan dates or things for us to do and be open to my suggestions of things we could do together for a few weeks after another fight.  He’d be attentive and seemed genuinely interested in ‘me’ and we’d even discuss future plans.   But he’d always fall back into this pattern…He’d become distant and uncommunicative.  If I tried to talk to him about it he’d say he was just tired and busy from work or he’d tell me I was being insecure and needed to just focus on and worry about myself.. He’d also become more demanding…like if he knew I was off one day and he was working he’d call to ask me to bring him lunch or something to drink or a different pair of shoes from home.  He’d expect me to drop whatever I was doing to do this right away.  If I didn’t answer the phone he’d be furious.  I could always sense when he’d be starting another fight soon but I never knew what I was going to do to trigger it this time.

    January 4, 2020 at 9:32 am #331093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whelan:

    “I could always sense when he’d be starting another fight soon but I never knew what I was going to do to trigger it this time”- that’s not a good way to live, scared, walking on eggshells, feeling that you can’t rest in calmness, but always be on your toes.

    If he didn’t shout at you, if he didn’t call you names, if he didn’t threaten to break things, then maybe there would be a reason to figure out his anger issues, his suspicion of women cheating on him.. and  his own cheating behavior.

    But shouting, calling you names- repeatedly when he gets angry- that behavior is end-of-story as far as I am concerned.

    The sadness you feel now about the breakup, it is preferable, isn’t it, to once again walking on eggshells,  fearing the next time he shouts at you, calls you name, gives you the silent treatment or breaks up with you.. yet again?

    anita

    January 4, 2020 at 9:46 am #331097
    Whelan
    Participant

    Yes it is.  At least I know this sadness will fade eventually.  I couldn’t live like that anymore.  I just stepped out on to my porch and saw that at some point in the night he dumped all the gifts I gave him throughout our relationship… a sweater, some books, a silver bracelet.  Who does that?

    January 4, 2020 at 10:13 am #331099
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whelan

    “Who does that?”- a very angry person does that. If you took him back, this anger will keep fueling that repeat cycle you know too well. A very unpleasant cycle.

    Better collect those gifts and donate them to a good cause.

    Be strong in your resolution to not have him back in your life and post here anytime you need to vent, to  share, to find encouragement that you are, indeed, doing the right thing for yourself.

    anita

    January 5, 2020 at 12:20 pm #331221
    Michelle
    Participant

    I just briefly read your story Whelan and I know that you are sad. I went through a hard breakup last year but once you are out of the gray clouds you will be so thankful that you were strong enough to move past this person. You will read what you wrote here and say to yourself what was I thinking!

    I have been in my share of toxic relationships in my life. I actually wasted my 20’s and early 30’s in them. I wished that I was strong enough to leave sooner and felt regret that I stayed but no matter the time span I believe that these obstacles make us stronger and are necessary to prepare us future situations in life.

    Someone who does not invite you out with friends doesn’t take your relationship seriously or see you in their future. What are a relationship without love, trust, and companionship? He doesn’t want to be with you outside the home seems like a giant problem for me. He has created three times, maybe he doesn’t want you around so he can cheat again and you don’t need that. You are better than that.

    I know what it is like to be on the inside and feeling sad grasping at the good, but from an outside point of view, it’s hard to fathom why you would want to be with this man. Be strong and you should prevail and find someone who treats you kind, involves you in his life, and makes you feel good. It took me a lot longer than I thought it would in my life but I did. Just be patient and try not to waste time on things that constantly make you feel bad. Life is too short for that! I know easier said than done.

    You will get past this. Keeping a breakup journal really helped me.

    January 6, 2020 at 6:59 am #331335
    Rae
    Participant

    Hi Whelan.

    Please know that you are not alone. I was in a relationship that was EXACTLY like yours only a little over a month ago. The similarities between the men we’ve been with is uncanny.

    He and I lived together for 9 months. In those 9 months, he had broken up with me and taken me back 5 times. Then, he’d come around and tell me he still wanted to be together. He would be sweet, caring, attentive… for about a week. Then it was back to his old ways(this is manipulation).

    It’s a chemical addiction to this person. Unfortunately, toxic relationships give our brains highs and lows, and we get addicted to it. We crave the person we fell inlove with, and they give us little morsels of affection to keep us hooked, to keep us thinking that we can go back to the love we once had.

    He was and still is suffering from addiction. He had cheated, gas lighted, manipulated and stone walled me constantly. His level of anger was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. It was only when I moved out, did all the truth start coming to light.

    We’ve been broken up for a month and a half. I initiated no contact almost a month ago and we have not spoken. And let me tell you, the CLARITY that has come from cutting the cord with him has been so beneficial to my life. I know that the path I am taking now is uncomfortable, but it’s the path meant to be. I know this is so fresh for you, the first few days are so hard. But please know that being away from him, you are going to start becoming so clear on who this person really is. It’s hard to do that, impossible even, when we still engage with them and stay connected. Unfortunately these people are masters at mind games, games that are hard for us to even see happening, and can pull on our sympathy and guilt to get what they want.

    Stay strong, and know that you deserve a relationship where you can speak and express yourself without fear of being abandoned.

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.