Dear Jennie:

You shared that your current relationship is your second relationship and his first. You met him (28, now 31, “well educated, handsome”) at work, nine months later he proposed to you, and two months later you said Yes.  You’ve been in this relationship 3.5 year long, the last 1.5 years of it has been long distance. He never had sex before meeting you, and you did, in the context of your first relationship. Together, the two of you didn’t have  sex beyond kissing and touching. “he says he is keeping things for marriage”.

“I want to talk to him about this” when he visits you soon. I don’t know what it is you want to talk to him about: is it that you want to have sex with him before marriage, against his wishes to wait for marriage?

And when is the marriage going to take place, is there a planned set?

anita

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Dear Jennie90:

You are welcome. The two of you got engaged, that is, promised each other to marry about 2.5 years ago (?), but no plans for when (or where) a marriage will take place. You haven’t seen him for 1.5 years. He will soon visit you. You miss him, you want to be intimate with him sexually, but it would be the first time, and you are worried that if you were to be intimate this way during his visit, it will be harder to say goodbye at the end of the visit, and  that his sexual appetite will awaken and he will have sex with another woman after the visit. (You had a boyfriend before him who cheated on you a lot. You don’t want to experience that again).

You wrote: “He wants us to focus on our career and then we’ll get settled, then comes afterwards sex life… that he can stop his temptations for anything”, that “he is keeping things for marriage”,  and you “asked him if he wants me to be shy he said yes a bit”.

This is what I understand from this bit of information: maybe he was raised religious or very traditionally, taught that sex comes after marriage, and unlike so many people raised this way, he actually followed through and didnt have sex in his 31 years because he didn’t get married yet. Quite admirable, such dedication to his family’s teaching and values.

Maybe he is very shy, and this is why he prefers that you will be somewhat shy too. Maybe he was raised in a reigious/ traditional home and he is shy, or very shy. These two things together make it so that he is and will be very uncomfortable to have sex with you before marriage- it will be breaking his family/ his own rules of 31 years!

Imagining he never had any kind of sex that involves him being naked, or the direct touching of certain naked body parts, if he never experienced that, and during the visit with you, for the first time in his 31 years, he does, then he returns to where he now lives, away from you, he may be wondering: what have I done? Thirty one years I believed a certain way, lived a certain way and now what..? He may be very disappointed with himself. This may lead to him experiencing a mental/ emotional crisis back where he now lives. It will interrupt the plans to marry and live together. Plus, within that emotional crisis, he may do something impulsive, thinking something like: I already broke my rules, no big deal if I break them again!

If this is the case, I wouldn’t have sex with him during the visit and not before the two of you  get married. Let’s say the two of you live in the same place again, you can marry quickly and have sex sooner than later that way (later you can have a big wedding party for family and such).

If you are sure that no matter how your sex life with him will be (you don’t know the details), you want to marry him regardless, figuring that he will continue to care and do everything to make you happy (“He.. cared did everything to make me happy”), and everything includes sexual everything, to the best of his ability- then I hope practical arrangements are made soon for the two of you to live in the same place, jobs and all. I would focus on making that happen- this engagement has lasted for too long. I figure when two adults promise to marry each other (get engaged), there should be a time limit to the engagement, it shouldn’t carry on for years and years. If the two are not prepared to get married after a year or two of engagement, I figure, might as well cancel the engagement and re-evaluate.

anita

Dear Jennie90:

You are welcome. You do read “Very defined”, very dedicated to this man and to your future marriage with him. I hope that practical arrangements are made for the two of you to be living here or there in 2020. Like I wrote, when a couple gets engaged, the idea is to get married within a limited future time. It is not fair, let’s say, for one of the parties to a proposed marriage to hold the other party hostage as a fiancé indefinitely.

Post again anytime.

anita