Dear Jim:

You are 33, dated a woman for about four months, about May-August this year. About the woman: she was “very easy to get along with” and “very open about her (life)”. She told you that she was the product of sperm donation, that she suffers from a “bipolar disorder that was medicated and counseled”, that ten years before she was addicted to drugs, that her last relationship with a man involved cheating and domestic abuse, and that there is poor communication between herself and a few family members.

As a result of what she shared with you, you backed away, figuring that her issues are likely to “lead to many long term issues”, and that you should continue your search for a more promising partner in life. You broke up with her and she accepted it well. You felt relief but soon regretted your decision to break up  with her, and you reached out to her about early October. She told you that she was no longer available (“she was talking with someone”). You reached out to her again this month and she was more definite about being unavailable (“she has moved on”).

You wrote: “my problem is, I focus on flaws, and let those things cloud my judgment. I tend to think I am settling in most cases, but need to realize that I’m just as flawed as the next person, they are just more forgiving than I am”-

– having read your reply on another thread, reads tome  that in your previous relationship of six years ago, you were not focused on the flaws of  that woman, and you were forgiving of her flaws: She “suffered from many ups and downs…  depression.. did (not) do anything to help herself such as exercise..” then she broke up with you, started seeing a man who previously “left her hanging out to dry”, later she reached  out to you, “admitted her faults” and you took her back, “bought a house” with her and she broke up with you a second time “for someone else who got her pregnant”. The second breakup ended up “costing me years and a lot of money tied up in a mortgage”.

Well, you weren’t judgmental with your ex girlfriend, and you were very forgiving- you forgave her all the way to losing lots of time, money and you suffered a lot.

No  wonder you were cautious this time around, with this woman. Your decision to break up  with her was rational and reasonable. Like you wrote in your reply: “History tends to repeat and most people do  not change their ways”.

Her medicated bipolar- medications often stop working, need to be adjusted, sometimes people stop taking needed medications. You want to have children in the near future: how does pregnancy affect a bipolar woman? I don’t know, but it would be the responsible thing for a man to figure out when choosing a mother for his children. What about that cheating in her last relationship, who did the cheating, is something I would want to know if I was in your place.

The fact that she was very open and you felt comfortable with her, that reminds me of having visited long ago AA and other 12 step programs for drug addicts- many people there sharing their stories were very easy going,  very personable, seeming comfortable and likeable, but that doesn’t mean they were no longer using drugs. The openness was.. part of the program.

I think that your caution was warranted. The regret may be about you not having a better candidate right now, for a wife. I recommend that you do keep the rational approach to finding the right woman for yourself and “live more in the moment and not so much in my own head” with a more promising candidate.

anita

Dear Jim:

You are welcome. You are 33, you are still in an okay age to “achieve the family goal”. Key is to not get too desperate, to not want it so much that your rational thinking gets compromised. You made mistakes, I am sure, but so  did the women you were involved with. Examine your mistakes so to make better choices and proceed rationally with your objective to get married and have a family.

The “stop being depressed” and “are you pouting again today”- who are those “ones close to me” that have told you these things in anger? (These kinds of responses promote and encourage the very things these people are complaining about: you being depressed and perhaps pouting).

You wrote regarding the woman you dated recently: “couldn’t overcoming or ‘seeming to overcome’ those at such an early age demonstrate character and strength in a potential partner?”- depends if the person really did overcome or just seems to have overcome. Lots and lots of people seem to have overcome and believe that they did,  before they collapse when the next rock bottom hits, or the next crisis. I’ve seen it/ witnessed it many times.

“why do I still feel regret two  months of leaving this person?”- I would guess that your regret has little to do with this woman and much more to do with a deeper, earlier regret that has been escalated because you are older now, fearing that you will never accomplish your goal of marriage and children.

What could that deeper, earlier regret be, I don’t know, but if you grew up as a child with those people who lack empathy for you (the comments you mentioned they make to you), there nature of the regret is probably connected to your early history with these people. Maybe the regret is connected to you feeling that you made a mistake and there is no  fixing that mistake, that you are unforgiven. Maybe this is an activated childhood experience: making mistakes and not being given the opportunity to correct them, your mistakes unforgotten and unforgiven. Could this be it?

anita

Dear Jim:

You shared that your grandmother told you the story of you riding your bike as a child, without the training wheels: “Each time I fell off, I  would pick the bike up over my head and slam it in the ground, then make my next attempt to ride the bike, and repeat the process”- this is not a calm child falling from his bike, getting up, picking up the  bike and getting back on it, persistent but calm. This is an angry persistent boy. The anger is visible in the picking up the bike over your head and slamming it in the ground.

Why was the boy Jim angry?

“I know why my family gets frustrated, they are not used to seeing me upset and eventually feel like its out of their control, and they wish they could help, but can’t”-

– your grandmother was used to seeing you upset. I figure your parents did too, they saw you upset many times but  they didn’t help you. Instead, they criticized you, pointing to your flaws. At 33, they still don’t help you and they still criticize you: “I sure don’t get any constructive feedback from the ones that surround me… the feedback I have gotten from the ones close to me that have told me in anger to ‘stop being depressed’ or ‘are you pouting again today'”.

The reason you “haven’t taken a problem to them since the previous relationship ended in winter 2017”, I figure, is that you are used to not getting any help from them. Instead, you are used to getting criticized by  them.

“I’ve just kept everything to myself because of the type of person I am… I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve and bottle them up”- the type of person any child is, is the type that is open and shares everything. The child stops sharing when receiving criticism instead of empathy and help. The child turns from  open to closed, from wearing his emotions on his sleeve- to bottling them up.

Regarding the women you dated: “my problem is, I focus on flaws… I tend to think I am settling in most cases, but need to realize that I’m just as flawed as the next person, they are just more forgiving than I am…  I wish I were able to live more in the moment and not so much in my own head.. sabotaging my love life to this point…not wanting to settle for ‘just a warm body’.. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic? That’s what most people tell me”.

– I think that what has been happening is that you focus on the women’s flaws because your parents focused on your flaws. Sometimes you focus on your own flaws, but you ..sort of prefer to focus on the flaws of the women you date, feeling too-good for the flawed women you are with,  thinking there is a less flawed woman for you out there.

You broke up with the recent woman and dated a few others. Better ones, you were  hoping, less flawed, but then you missed her openness and the relative comfort you felt with her (“The conversation and meeting went very smooth and it flowed..  This girl was very easy to get along with.. she was open… It was comfortable and easy going”). I think that this woman didn’t at all criticize you and listed her flaws, not yours. This is a good part of the comfort you felt with her, that she didn’t criticize you.

“I have not shown my family as much affection as I once did as a kid and I feel the same toward my partners as an adult”, “I feel like I show my love through my loyalty and being devoted ..  but I could do much better at expressing this”-

– you stopped showing affection for your parents because they criticized you and didn’t help you when you needed help. That naturally angered you. Fast forward, you are still angry, you focus on the women’s faults and like you said, you sabotage your relationships.

This recent woman, may have been a bad choice for you. I think what you liked about her is that she didn’t criticize you and that felt comfortable. I believe that a good idea for you is to attend quality psychotherapy so to become more aware of your childhood experience with parental criticism and rejection. Process the hurt and anger from that time, hurt and anger that is in your way now,  in the context of romantic relationships.

anita

Dear Jim:

I think that it is a good idea to separate the issues here, that will help clarity and hopefully take away your “major regret”:

1. About this woman you dated- reads like an honest woman. It is honest, responsible and commendable that she gave you all the information she had about herself, and sooner than later, so that you were able to  make an informed decision regarding continuing the relationship or not.

Depending on the history and severity of her personal expressions of the bi-polar disorder she was diagnosed with, if you were to continue the relationship with her, you would be exposing your future children to a mentally ill woman who may at times not function well as a mother, as well as to a likely divorce (you mentioned a 90% chance of divorce you read about).

This woman’s honesty and the fact that she  didn’t criticize you are big pluses, huge, as well as her being “very forgiving” and not argumentative.  But these things need to be observed over a longer period of time and they are not all that need to be considered. But do keep these things in mind as huge pluses in your future relationship and marriage. You  do want an honest woman who will not criticize you or your children, who will be forgiving and not hostile/ argumentative.

2. About you: “if the woman I date is someone I’m comfortable with then.. I cannot fear what they think of (her)”- you are afraid of other people criticizing your choice of a woman. I suppose when you date a woman you see her faults through other people’s eyes, maybe parents’ eyes.. what will they say of her. When you spot a fault, you may feel shame, as if her fault indicates your bad choosing, or that you can’t do better than this woman. Is this the case?

anita

Dear Jim:

“about the honesty and open communication from this woman”- this is something you can relearn to do yourself, to communicate honestly and openly instead of bottling your emotions up and keeping them inside. This is why I suggested psychotherapy where you can learn to do just that.

anita