Gandhi is credited for having said this, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.  As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

I had an insight Sunday morning and that quote came at the tail end of it.  Saturday nite, I watched a movie called Butterfly on a Wheel.  It’s title is an allusion to a line of Alexander Pope’s poem Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot.  The exact line reads, Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?  It’s interpretation asks us to ponder why would anyone run the gamut from retribution when the act in question is considerably minor.  The act in question for this movie is infidelity.

Neil appears to have it all.  A beautiful wife and daughter whom he dotes on daily.  He works in the advertisement business and seamlessly closes the most sought after deals, and he is about to get a huge raise.  His wife, Abbie, learns of Neil’s year-long affair with a secretary from work who is his superior’s wife except he doesn’t know that.  His superior, Tom, also learns about their trysts and collaborates with Abbie to have Neil endure a full twenty-hours of the exact pain that they were subject to during the past year.  At the end of the movie, we realize that Neil represents a living lie.  He moves up the company latter by cutting corners, he cheats on his wife and goes about his entire day concealing to his family, coworkers, but most importantly to himself that side of him.

I empathized most with Abbie.  I wondered what her internal dialogue entailed after having found out about the affair.  I assumed it was charged with betrayal and resentment.  One can only imagine, right?  And the questions that raced through her mind that nite as she lay next Neil.  For the sake of this discussion, I will assume that one of those thoughts was this: “Why do I attract men like Neil into my life”  Human beings are attracted to those who are much like themselves in both good and bad characteristics.

Then, I thought, ‘Why would she punish him in that fashion?’  Well, her reprisal was devised and carried out surreptitiously, which required a habitual façade on her part.  That lead me to believe that for one year she too represented a lie much like Neil.  All of us have the potential to hurt one another.  Whether or not we decide to act on those affronts is what demarcates the moral realm into good and bad.  Neil humiliated his wife and Abbie tortured her husband’s soul.  They hurt others.  Hence the attraction.  They have not changed that aspect of their personality.  They have not freed themselves from that viscous cycle.

How does one do that?

First, become aware of such behaviors.  Jung’s concept of the shadow is a great way to do that.  Ask yourself, ‘What are ten things about certain people that I like?’  Those are characteristics that we have the potential to develop.  Then ask, ‘What are ten things about certain people that I dislike?’  Those are characteristics that we repress about ourselves.  They help explain why we become upset at people for behaving in ways that we find annoying or irritating.  We condemn them for those behaviors when in reality we are condemning ourselves.  At that moment, we feel and connect to matching low level vibrations.  It’s a psychological boil that is being picked at and the pain we feel is a message that the boil is still alive.  It needs to be completely cut off in order for us not react in kind to people’s perceived affronts.  Second, accept that we act on those behaviors.  Third, commit to change.  Fourth, ask yourself, ‘Who do I want to become?’  And finally, act on those changes.

At first, it may be difficult to change those behaviors especially in cases where they have been with the person for the majority of their life.  I suggest to practice forgiveness and gratitude.  Forgiveness of oneself and of those who hurt us.  Remember that forgiveness is a skill.  If practiced it every day, you will free yourself and change will come easier.

In closing, I have one more question:  ‘How do we walk around in a world full of shadow traps?’  As the individuals we were created to be.  Every being on this planet was born out of love.  That is who we are.  Gandhi is right.  Once we change ourselves the tendencies in the world will also change.