I (F25) met him (M24) at this shitty little dive bar in our city. It was one of the first few times I’ve been there, and my drunk friend yelled across the room at him for me to give him my number because I had recently started dating again and she thought I needed a new distraction. I was definitely attracted to him initially, but I wanted to wait to make plans to see if I had a true interest to go on a date with him. He said he wanted to get to know me and that I was beautiful, a thought that sounded so relaxing and what I needed to hear at the time. I didn’t text him back very often, but on New Years’ Eve while all my coupled friends were kissing at midnight I decided to reach out and wish him a happy holiday. He had a kindness about him that made me feel comfortable and on our first date, he spoke so intelligently – something that I’ve been missing from most dates and potential dates I’ve had. I wanted to meet someone organically – not on a dating app and I felt like it was happening.

I got swept off my feet through our dates with our dogs, learning how much we had in common, and showing me places around the city that I’ve never been to. I loved meeting his friends and it turned out we had a lot of friends in common.

The first time I lost my cool was around his birthday about 3 months in. I had bought him a fancy beer that I enjoyed and had a large joint rolled. He didn’t invite me along with his friends so I drank his beer and smoked the weed. I also drunkenly and frantically texted him while being cheered on by my girlfriend that “yeah, it’s weird he doesn’t want birthday sex… what’s he out doing then?” I proceeded to be a wacko and confront him with a paragraph on not being on the same page as me. He completely ignored it. Didn’t say a word. I thought THANK GOD the next morning when he just said hello and asked what my plans were. He still read the damn text though, obviously.

Then a month later he goes to the beach where his half brother lives. He’s drunk about 80% of the time. Posting videos of him on snapchat hanging on some girl and saying, “hey baby, what’s your name?” just to show his sleeze-ball friends what trash hoochies were on the beaches of Florida. I commented “cute” and ignored him for days until he got back. He texted many times and I didn’t respond until I was bored and asked him to come over and talk. We talked it out. I told him he was being gross, he knew he was and apologized.

A month later I am now paranoid about what he does at the bar/on vacation after I saw his videos he so publicly posted for everyone to see. He goes on another trip to St. Louis. I get a little self-conscious, try to dirty talk, don’t get a response really or a goodnight text. We’re almost 5 months in at this point. I check Instagram’s activity feed and see he’s liked some rando girl from St. Louis pictures from weeks ago. I tell him I don’t know if I can do this anymore and he’s caught off-guard and doesn’t know why. I then see him start following some more trash bimbos with their boobs clearly out all the time. He comes home, I forgive him and tell myself I’m the crazy one for looking at his activity and for freaking out about a follow or like on social media. I never told him what I saw really, but did mention the way guys hit on me at the bar is by asking for my Instagram handle. I unfollow him on all social media to try and help the situation.

This whole time I am asking friends for advice. Two of my best friends live in the city. One felt I was being crazy, don’t worry about girls on Instagram, only pay attention to how he treats you when he’s around. The other friend saying she heard he may have cheated on his ex-girlfriend (confirmed, he didn’t), but that people don’t think he’s a good person, I should give up etc. The entire time I had this gut feeling to let him go but I never did. I just tried to work through it alone in my head and forgive him.

He was everything I ever wanted. Smart, funny, loves and is educated on nature, sexy in a way you can only see when you know him. We bonded over similar interests and our dogs. Greattt sex. I was comfortable around him and he was quirky and the most interesting man I’ve ever met. I loved his friends, dad, cousins from what I’ve met. I could really see a future with him, so I let all the red flags go. I had never been in love before. I’ve been in relationships where my exes usually repulsed me half the time and I never could see them as my husband. I finally felt love with someone and I didn’t even know I could feel these feelings.

It was 8 months in and I was drunk and feeling lonely while I was squatting at a friend’s empty apartment when I was in-between apartments and brought up Instagram. I texted and asked how he met this maddi girl from st. louis because he continuously likes all her posts and never mine. He never answered and took a few days to think, told me he hasn’t touched anyone since we started dating, explained he was new to Instagram (he was) and we went on a break. We saw eachother by accident one night a week later and worked things out again.

10 months now and I brought up an issue that was bothering me, when I was drunk, of course. I had wanted to come over after my friends and I were leaving the bar but he was still out, responded with a short “No” when I asked if he was home. Which really pissed drunk me off. I had asked why he acts like a different person when he’s drinking and why he doesn’t ever invite me out with his friends and cousins. I asked if he was embarrassed by me. I didn’t get an answer, only the the next day he told me he went out to the country with his dog “to get away from things.” He said he feels “lost.” I wanted to talk it out, he wanted more space so I told him I’d be here if he ever needed to talk about anything. I now believe I’m being ghosted because he hasn’t responded and I would completely understand if he would like to end this. He’s not the best communicator either but I thought it was something we could work on.

First off, I know my insecurities got the best of me here. I know he didn’t cheat, and I know he wasn’t dating anyone else. He was mesmerized by me at first but my lack of communication and extreme ability to be jealous and to lash out unexpectedly and drunk had ruined this many times. I’m in pain. I have severe self-esteem issues I need to work out. I made him the bad guy many times, even though he messed up sometimes – I made out with someone while he was on a trip and hooked up with an ex. We weren’t exclusive at the time but months later he told me he was calling me his girlfriend for months.

I feel like this relationship is over because of the most petty things and it could have been beautiful. I just need advice on how to get over this. How to stop going out and drinking so much as a 25 years old because it makes me act like a child (especially now that I’m ~possibly~ newly single.) How will I ever meet someone and have a full love life if I so desperately sabotage everything in my path.

I didn’t mention all the good things he’s done for me. I always think our love will out-weigh the bickering and the questions of commitment and this is showing me how wrong I am. I’m 100% lost, depressed, anxious. I picked up smoking again. I feel naive, used, fucked-over, confused and crazy. We never said I love you but I wanted to for months. I haven’t told any of my friends because I’m sure they’re so over hearing about my roller coaster relationship so I’m dealing with this alone. I guess I just really need advice on how to avoid this in the future.

• This topic was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by kali.