Home→Forums→Relationships→not sure if it's severe self-esteem issues or if he was giving me red flags?
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October 14, 2019 at 6:27 pm #317877
AnonymousGuestDear K:
I will be able to read your post and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I am back to your thread.
anita
October 15, 2019 at 12:18 am #317903
GLParticipantDear K,
Both you and your ex(?) has communications issues. But lets focus on you since you started this topic.
You met a person whom you feel attraction to, but like many people in their twenties, have yet to figure out to talk to other people and ironically the other person is also in their twenties. Though you’ve spent time and some effort in getting to know this person, you don’t know how to tell him about yourself. You don’t know how to tell him about your insecurities, your weakness, your jealousy, your frustration, etc. So when he does something that trigger something in you that makes it seems as if the world was dead set on getting you, you lashed out. You lashed out in violent waves of texts, and then waiting for his response, to see if he has had enough of having to deal with you and your emotional outburst. You lashed out because that’s the only way you know how to communication your fear to this person who might or might not accept this side of you. But as you’ve gotten to understand, making the other the person the ‘bad guy’ will not help you work out the issues of your self-esteem nor is calling others ‘bimbo’ going to help make you feel better. Superior, maybe, but not better. After all, he is not the one who decides whether you have self-esteem, that’s all on you.
So what does a twenties something female do when she has self-esteem issues who is drinking all the while to numb those feelings away and who lashes out while drunk? Well, first off, good on you for noticing and admitting these things. It is not easy to admit to ourselves how we think we might be failing as human beings. Second, go get help. You need help. You yourself have stated that you have self-esteem issues that are clearly circling your head, but you don’t seem to have seek help for that. Why? Or maybe you did and it wasn’t a great experience. Well, you’ll have to try it again with a different professional then, until you find the person who can listen and help. You feel lost so more than ever, you need someone who will help you draw your own map of emotions and thoughts and whys and whats and anything else that you need to see for yourself. You need to see yourself.
But you know what? It’s fine to be lost. People get lost all the time. The problem is choosing a path as you wander around. And it could be any path, it doesn’t have to be the right one. But it does have to be one you can believe in and commit to. So commit to something, no matter how lost you feel. The important point is that you take action in some way. And once you do, it becomes easier to take another step, and another and another. And you might fall and fail in the first step or the second or the third. Get up anyway. You’ve already decided to commit for yourself this act of taking a step so continue to take that step. Even if you fail, continue until you’ve found a semblance of the outcome you were hoping for. But don’t take actions based on your perception of someone’s perception of you. These actions must be based on doing something good for yourself, not others.
Good luck.
October 15, 2019 at 1:42 pm #318033AnonymousGuestDear K:
In July of this year you wrote: “(I) grew up with a father who cheated on and deeply hurt my mother. Watching her in so much pain at age of 7-13 definitely hurt me and my relationships”-
– I wonder if the reason you used the terms “trash hoochies” and “trash bimbos” for women is the anger you felt as a child for the women your father cheated with.
Our intense emotional experiences of childhood are very powerful and often affect us lifetime. I suppose your attitude toward women and your distrust and suspicion of men are deeply rooted in your 7-13 experience that ended 12 years ago but.. didn’t really end.
You mentioned maybe seeking therapy back in July. Maybe that is next for you?
anita
October 17, 2019 at 6:17 am #318353
kaliParticipantthank you both. i’ve looked into therapy. I think it’s hard for me to realize someone may know about me than myself because of how much research i’ve done to figure out what is wrong with me. but there are people trained and they are helping people every day for a reason and will help me take those steps.
as for the negative connotation to the females I felt threatened by, you’re absolutely right. I think I used those words to portray my emotions and anger and betrayal I felt, also while showing my insecurities. I do love people, but when it comes to someone threatening my relationship (like my parents) it is deeply triggering. it’s like I want someone who only sees me as beautiful and doesn’t look the direction of anyone else, but that’s not possible and the relationships that I did feel that stability in were never true love for me.
i’m scared I lost my soulmate. but if I hadn’t met him and actually felt the feelings of love for the first time in my life, these issues that I need help for and have been pushing away would have never came to surface.
October 17, 2019 at 11:38 am #318431AnonymousGuestDear K:
“It’s like I want someone who only sees me as beautiful and doesn’t look the direction of anyone else, but that’s not possible”-
– it is possible only if a man is unable to see, that is, blind. Or very secluded, as in you and him living in an island, just the two of you, and no TV or magazines and such.
But even a blind man can be attracted to a woman’s voice he hears nearby. And a man living with you on an island, just the two of you, still has images stored in his brain of women he saw before, women he had sex with, and as you and this man sit by the water of the ocean, he may be holding those images in mind.
I too was very jealous this way, obsessed, really. I felt very threatened by the thought that this man is thinking of another woman, or is attracted to one, or is replaying memories with another woman. This obsession was fueled by certain childhood experiences of mine.
If you want to communicate with me on the topic- maybe it will help you- please do.
anita
October 18, 2019 at 8:44 am #318543kaliParticipantyes I would love to. that sounds very similar to how my mind works.
childhood experiences – even when you become aware of them, how do you heal from these experiences? I wish it was easy to rewire your brain
October 18, 2019 at 9:25 am #318545AnonymousGuestDear K:
If only it was easy to rewire one’s brain so that we feel good (at all times) and function well. But it is possible, only it takes a long, long time of intentional, persistent work- very difficult but what is the better option???
“childhood experiences- even when you become aware of them, how do you heal from these experiences?” healing/ rewiring the brain, this is how you do it:
Let’s say you are dating a man and you start feeling very jealous, very troubled about an ex girlfriend that he had, worrying that he is thinking about her, worrying that he wishes he was with her and whatnot. You are so distressed that you are suffering and no longer enjoying his company. You feel hurt and angry even though he is in no contact with his ex girlfriend and gave you no indication that he is obsessed with her. You ask him question after question, hoping the right answer will make you feel better, but you never get that right answer and he feels more and more uncomfortable. In turn, you feel bad and the beginning relationship is in trouble- this is the current, here-and-now situation.
What is happening in this example, is that your childhood experience (“I.. grew up with a father who cheated on and deeply hurt my mother. Watching her in so much pain at ag 7-13 definitely hurt me”) is dominating/ overshadowing your present experience with this man you are dating- you don’t really see him, you see your father. And you don’t really feel your feelings regarding this man, you feel your (perceived) mother’s feelings regarding her husband (your father).
The answer/solution (simplified)- every time you feel jealousy and anger at the man you are dating, shift your thinking to the childhood experience, remember you at 7 seeing and hearing your mother suffering over her husband’s cheating. Remember how you felt, remember that long- ago situation.
This way you are removing your current jealousy and distress from the current situation and connecting it (re-wiring) to the past situation. Sort of peeling the past off from the present, leaving the present to itself, being what it is.
This way you can see with clarity what is really happening in the present/ the here-and-now, and feel accordingly (instead of re-experiencing the past).
anita
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