Hi Javairia

At such a young age you certainly have had a lot to deal with and I’m impressed that you have been able to keep you head above water, if only just, and are able to recognize that you could use some help.

I agree with your intuition (which seems to be a strength of yours) turning to your friends as a therapist would be an error as it is unlikely they have the skills needed to lead you through the ‘woods’. That’s not saying you can’t lean on your friends as you support each other, just that turning to friends as you might a therapist will change those relationships.

My advice would be to seek out help from a qualified therapist. Is it possible your school guidance consular could point you towards someone? There is no shame to getting help and sometime we just need someone that we don’t have a relationship with to listen to our thoughts so me might better straighten them out.

I wish you well on your journey through the woods.

Dear Javairia:

As a child you witnessed your father fighting and shouting at your mother, but you also witnessed your mother arguing, shouting and fighting with your father in front of her young children, again and again and again. And then she attempted suicide, or pretended to attempt suicide in front of you when you were six.

“With time my elder brothers grew up without any ‘father guidance'”- yes, and they grew up with an aggressive mother who argued a lot, shouted a lot, fought in front of your brothers without consideration of her children, of how those fights were damaging her young children.

I wonder if she fought with your father while you were sick with those fevers you mentioned?

I think that it is most important that you do talk to that guidance counselor at your school. Maybe it is possible for you to live elsewhere, away from your mother and siblings, for the next two years before you become legally an adult.

When you live away, in a place that is supervised and is safe from ongoing or the strong memory of those fights and aggression, then quality psychotherapy will help you a whole lot.

You wrote in your second post that “children are the best imitators”- you referred to your mother’s low self esteem. Did you or do you imitate her aggression as well, shouting and fighting and all that?

anita

Dear Javairia:

I didn’t think of you, at 16, supporting yourself if you didn’t live with your parents. There are countries with alternative arrangements for children (and you are still a child) who live with abusive parents, and/ or in unsafe homes. Alternative arrangements such as group homes, certain shelters where teenagers live supervised by responsible adults, have a counselor available for sessions there, a safe home of sorts, financed by the government or some charity organization.

What is clear to me is that it will be best for you to live away from your parents, away from this home-of-origin and never return to live there.

The happy-go-lucky personality, that is a role you found yourself in when dealing with your depressed parents, it made you feel better in the situation you found yourself in, you were the good child  “who would pick them up first ignoring my own mental health, who would cheer them up no matter how hard it was going in school or elsewhere”-

– it is difficult to give up a roles that made us feel better in a difficult situation. It made it possible for you to somewhat endured your home life, but this role will not help you have a good life anywhere-

– no longer ignore your  own mental health and instead, attend to it. Ask for people to help you, not just any person, but people who are able to help you. Maybe that guidance counselor is a person to begin with, maybe she has information about possible resources for you, a place to move to, therapy sessions for you to attend, so to heal and move forward toward a better and better life for yourself?

anita