Hi Lisa

I am worried that if I do this therapy, I will end up hating my mother and father and I think that would really hurt me a lot.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” ― Mitch Albom

The reality of all relationships is that its not possible to give or receive everything we need. Its just not.

As Mitch Albom noted even the most perfect parents will fail… perhaps by being perfect setting up the child’s expectations for perfection.

One of the tasks of becoming (individuation) is coming to terms with the mother and father complex. (every adult is faced with this task) The intention here isn’t about blaming one’s parents but taking responsibility for one’s own nurturing of the self and setting up healthy boundaries.  That said our relationship with our parents has influence our ability to nurture and protect ourselves so working with your therapist to dig into that relationship can be helpful.

Again, its not about blame but becoming more conscious of what we need to work on within ourselves (its not about your parents or your x, this is about you and becoming the best you.) During the process it is likely that you will see your parents as individuals. Individuals with needs, hopes and dreams separate from the role of mother and father who like all human beings succeed and failed. Doing so will create space for you to give yourself what they may not have been able to give you. (Connecting to the energy of the mother/father archetype within taking responsibly for your growth)

The exercise of sitting in front of an empty chair is a form of active imagination where you get to hear your thoughts out load. Nothing like hearing our thoughts out loud to point out where we are being real or not.   The process is not about your x or being right or wrong but a means of gaining clarity and release. No judgments against your self or others. Eventually you may realize ‘you’ are not your experiences or your emotions. You have experiences and emotions. Getting to a place where you can make that distinction allows the experience to flow verses becoming ‘constipated’ by it.

Buy yes if you are not comfortable or ready for that type of therapy your therapist should respect that… however expect him/her to push a little. We all need to be pushed a little.

Dear Lisa:

The success or failure of therapy is in the relationship between therapist and client. You “find her a little abrasive and sometimes hard to understand”, better tell her that clearly, see how she responds. She may respond by speaking slower so that you can understand her better, and she may change her abrasive style to a gentler style. If she responds in these way you will probably appreciate it and feel better about her. If on the other hand she ignores what you tell her and  doesn’t try to accommodate you, that would mean she is not a good therapist, and better not plan on another session with her.

I want to summarize what you shared on your thread so far: you recently exited a long and abusive relationship and started therapy. Your therapist suggested among other things that you were in that relationship for too long because you suffered a “lack of emotional connection to (your) mother as a child”.

She suggested when offering the Chair Exercise that your mother wronged you (“imagine the person who wronged you sitting there”), and that the exercise will consist of you telling your mother how she has wronged you and how you feel about it.

You were shocked, you wrote, when she suggested your mother didn’t meet all your needs, “I always felt I had a normal upbringing and have wonderful memories of both my mother and father”. You wrote that you knew they loved you because of what they did, “cooked your favourite food, bought your favourite colour clothing for you”.

You are worried that therapy with her, the chair exercise, will cause you to hate your mother and father. You would rather write a forgiveness letter to each, listing what you didn’t get but adding that you forgive them for “being impatient and rude with me” or “for comparing me to my sister”.

In the last year of your mother’s life, “She actually gave me what I needed. She spoke of her love and affection for me and she complimented me on my accomplishments. I feel I have already made peace with her”.

My input: if you made peace with your mother (and your father?) then there is no reason to shake a relationship that now rests in peace. Yet, your experiences as a child, during those Formative Years, did form you. It may be possible for you to keep your past relationship with your mother who  is no longer alive, I understand, at peace and, at the same time, look at what the child that you were experienced during childhood and on.

I suppose you worry about hating your mother because you already felt anger at her in the past. Children of minor or adult age most often feel guilty for feeling angry at a parent, especially the parent who was there most of the time,  usually the mother.

If you can bring up that anger little by little, without being overwhelmed by it, without feeling too threatened by it, then you will be emotionally healthier. Because what we resist, persists. You resist that anger, push it down, and it will push back, making itself known in one way or the other, often not in circumstances involving the very person you are most angry at.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Lisa,

Not all relationship issues stemmed from issues in your childhood with your parents.

Those so called abusers are not as what people imagined is shown in the movies and TV shows. Many are very, very skilled at manipulating their image to be respectful on the outside. So when you first get to know them, they will seem like the kind of guy you’ll want to bring home to meet your parents. Due to their nature, they will not show you their ‘hysterical’ side until they have made sure that you are within their grasp in some way, i e, dating then moving in with them. Once they have you by their side, making it easier to monitor you, they will slowly start to dig at your self esteem, self confidence, self respect as a person to diminish your sense of self. They will begin isolating you from friends and possibly family if your family live near. They will keep badgering you with guilt about this or that to make you question yourself. They will regularly insult you to demean your spirit. Then they’ll suddenly show a sweet side to you which will make you feel relieve since the person you’re dating can’t be that bad if he’s so sweet now. He can change, he is a decent person. Only, he’ll return to the violent/abusive side and, since you have affections for him, you’ll hope against all odds that he will turn sweet again because he can be sweet, if only you give it a bit of time. And the cycle repeat until you can’t tell what is normal or abnormal anymore.

But well, most of it is speculation since you give little details of your relationship, but abusive relationships are really difficult to leave from because of many reasons, many of it is the abuser cornering their victim that they feel like they can’t leave. Many have linked abusive relationships to be similar to Stockholm syndrome. You did what you thought was the correct choice to endure and survived the violent terrain of abused from you ex while feeling cornered. So while you did think about leaving, it was also terrifying because you don’t know what could happen should you leave. Did he ever threaten violence on either him or you should you leave him? Did he threaten to hurt others if you ever told people about his abuse? Or was he skilled enough to convinced people that you were the ‘hysterical’ one and that you needed help instead, though with him watching over you? Effectively isolating you in that regard.

Though if you were the one who thought you had to stayed behind to helped him through whatever it was he needed help with, then that is also bad. Since he was manipulating your goodwill and affection for him to stayed with him, telling you that he could change for the better if only you stayed with him. And the more pitiful he made himself out to be, the harder it would have been to leave because of the guilt. The guilt that his suffering would be worse without your help, that he couldn’t live without you or your help. A terrible, but effective tactic.

So yeah, abusers are very talented at manipulating their victim which makes it hard for the victim to take actions to leave the violence, especially when physical violence it involved. Of course, it could be due to something in your childhood, you entered into a relationship with your ex knowing that he was abusive in some way. But it’s not always the case. It’s just you don’t know a person’s true nature until they show it to you.

Well, you’ll have a lot to discuss with your counselor now, at least.