Dear cranberry:

You wrote: “two weeks ago I got into a fight with my ex and because I was mad I said, ‘then dump me!”-

Did you want him to dump you? If not, why did you tell  him to dump you?

anita

Dear cranberry:

Two weeks ago you had a fight with your then boyfriend because you brought up an old issue, shouldn’t have done so, he told you that you were annoying and you responded with anger and said: “then dump me!”. Next, the two of you didn’t speak for 24 hours, then went back to normal without discussing the fight.

But he was not satisfied in that “back to normal”, he was “in a bad mood/ had an attitude”. You then asked him if it was something you did, and he told you that he was just having a bad day. You said: okay. You later told him that you “want to be there for him but I also want to my needs to be met and that I feel he puts minimal effort into me”, that you imagined yourself “being with someone who woke up excited to speak to me and try to see me all the time”.

Next he said that maybe the two of you shouldn’t date and you said: okay.

You wrote that sometimes you “get this urge to ask him what happened and why it didn’t work out”, but “in all honesty, no one tells the truth in those situations“.

My input: you should tell the truth in a personal relationship and you didn’t. When you had that fight, you knew that his annoyance at you was valid, you wrote so to me. But you didn’t tell him: you are right, I was annoying. I shouldn’t have brought up the same old issue. I am sorry.

Instead you took no responsibility and suggested that he dumped you. You didn’t want him to dump you. And you didn’t want to own up to your behavior and correct this behavior.

You wanted things to return to normal without resolving the fight, kind of cool down and forget there was a fight… until the next one, also to be forgotten, and normal resumed.

There is no way for a relationship to survive this dynamic. That normal you want resumed cannot possibly be a good, loving normal.

You wrote that he put minimal effort into you, but it is you who put no effort in resolving that fight. You put no effort in telling him the truth. It takes effort to communicate honestly with a person, examining a conflict and resolving it peacefully to the satisfaction of both parties and you did none of that.

You saw him in a bad mood and you asked him if you did something wrong, as if you didn’t know that you did (bringing up an old issue, annoying him). He didn’t tell you the truth, that he was still annoyed with you and probably depressed about being with you, this is why he was not excited to talk to you and to see you- there was no resolution of conflict, no correction of behaviors.

At the end of the relationship a week ago, he said maybe you should not date anymore and you said: okay. Again, being dishonest because it is not okay with you. And the reason you said okay is that you don’t want “to make his ego bigger” (what if his ego gets bigger, if he feels good for a little while?), and “nobody tells the truth”.

What do you think about my input so far? Let me know and we can communicate further about what to do next.

anita

Dear cranberry:

Why do you believe him being upset had nothing to do with the fight; Fighting does upset people. Maybe there was more than one thing that was upsetting him and the fight was one of a couple or a few things that upset him?

anita

Dear cranberry:

I suggest you start being truthful to him (and to anyone with whom you have a personal relationship, at the least). Tell him the truth, don’t say “okay” when it is not okay for you. If he tells you what bothers him don’t punish him for telling him his truth by suggesting, ex., that he dumps you. Instead, ask him to tell you more about what is bothering him, or a bit more (so you don’t get overwhelmed), and then a bit more and consider what he tells you.

If what he tells you is true, think about what to change in your behavior so to make the relationship work for the two of you.

Don’t expect things to be swept under the carpet, the sweeping will not remain under.

Don’t fight, instead resolve misunderstandings and conflicts in a peaceful way. Make the relationship a win-win thing, win for both. Don’t try to win at his expense.

Are you able to do these things, do you want to?

anita