Did I lead myself on?

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This topic has 124 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Anonymous.

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December 19, 2018 at 11:55 am #270041

H
Participant

Hi

My situation is that I recently told my best guy friend I had feelings for him after three years of a very beautiful friendship. He told me he needed to focus on family and work ( has a very stressful career) and wasn’t looking for anything right now and was sorry he didn’t feel the same way.

It’ll probably be worthwhile to mention we’ve never met in person, just email a lot.

Here’s the story…

Over the course of the three years we started to do things like having matching meals together, buying matching clothes for each other, picking out each other’s hair colour and celebrating birthdays and new years together. He would even get annoyed at me when I didn’t get the hair colour he wanted. As time passed we even picked out holidays for each other. Over time, I realised I had fallen for him quite deeplywith all my thoughts based on him. I love him deeply as a friend and feel like I’ve just ruined it. I only told him now as saw he was liking other girls pics on instagram and got very emotional over it.

Any thoughts, advice and comments are welcome

December 19, 2018 at 3:55 pm #270051

Michelle
Participant

My initial impression is that he sought an emotional affair online (you happened to be the person he did it with), probably is still married, and is now trying to extract himself from the fantasy he tried to set up as you have admitted feelings. Is this a possibility? You’ve stated he needs to focus on family which is where I’m basing my assumptions.

At any rate, it will hurt for awhile but I feel like this entire relationship had an element of fantasy to it that needs to be addressed to move forward.

December 19, 2018 at 8:20 pm #270057

H
Participant

He’s definitely not married ( we have a mutual friend which is how we started talking). When I say family I’m referring to his niece he has to look after.

Thank you!

December 20, 2018 at 10:03 am #270217

Anonymous
Guest

Dear H:

The two of you never met. There can be a lot of value to a relationship or a communication between people who never met in person, who may never meet. After all, I find a lot of value in my communications here with people I never met. But in a romantic context, the context of a boyfriend/girlfriend intimate relationship, I think that the two people have to meet at one point.

Maybe this strictly online relationship was a substitute for a real-life romantic/ physical relationship, for him, maybe for you as well?

anita

December 20, 2018 at 11:48 am #270253

Peter
Participant

I would agree with Anite.

Sometimes its difficult to know if your ‘in love’ with the idea of someone or really see and love a person as they are. You won’t really know until you meet face to face.

December 24, 2018 at 5:28 am #270697

H
Participant

At the time it was good to do everything you would do in person without the added pressure of having to please someone based on looks, if that makes any sense.

Any ideas on how to initiate a meet up without coming across as desperate as I’ve already told him how i feel? Should I wait a while? Meeting up as friends of course, would like to sustain the friendship

December 24, 2018 at 6:22 am #270703

Anonymous
Guest

Dear H:

You want to arrange a meetup with him online, if I understand correctly, so to continue “to do everything you would do in person without the added pressure of having to please someone based on looks”-

do you want to continue the relationship that was, the planning of each other’s vacations, hair color and so forth, or are you open to a different kind of online communication?

If you want the same as it was, ask him if it is possible for him, if the two of you can resume that, and if he and you are willing, try it, see if it feels nice, to continue that. If you are open to something new, suggest that to him, to get to know each other better as online friends, not for the purpose of a romantic relationship, but for the purpose of learning about oneself and the other.

anita

December 24, 2018 at 6:41 am #270705

H
Participant

Hi Anita

Sorry should have said meet up in person as I think it’s time? Don’t want to force it though considering what i told him.

He said he was still ok with doing things as usual and wanted to carry on as feelings aside it was nice to bond with someone like that.

Should I let him ask him from now on or initiate doing things myself? I’m probably over thinking the whole thing but I don’t want him to think I did spent time with him because I wanted something else from him.

Thanks, H

December 24, 2018 at 6:53 am #270709

Anonymous
Guest

Dear H:

I wouldn’t suggest a meeting in person at this point because it is too close to your disclosure of your feelings to him and him rejecting a romantic relationship.

Continue the online communication, is my suggestion, but aim at getting to know him better and making it possible for him to get to know you better, that way you will be trying to develop the relationship, to move it forward, if not toward a romantic relationship, then to a more meaningful/real relationship.

Maybe at a later point, if and when the two of you share more about each other, have a deeper connection, then you can meet in person.

anita

December 24, 2018 at 7:24 am #270725

H
Participant

Thanks Anita. Should I lay off asking him to do things online for a bit as well?

December 24, 2018 at 7:31 am #270731

Anonymous
Guest

Dear H:

You are welcome. Yes, I think it is a good idea to lay off asking him to do things online for a bit.

anita

December 26, 2018 at 3:17 am #270923

H
Participant

Hi

I need to write this guy an apology letter, he seems underappreciated but I want him to know he’s not. My problem is a send him a lot of messages sometimes and they lose there meaning. I’ve already sent him three messages- is it ideal to go ahead and send it then wait or give him time to respond? Such a silly question but don’t want to sabotage again

Thanks

December 26, 2018 at 4:58 am #270925

Anonymous
Guest

Dear H:

Is it the same guy?

Regarding planning on sending someone an apology message, first ask yourself (and answer here if you want)- what is it that you did that wronged him/ what is the nature of your wrongdoing?

anita

December 26, 2018 at 5:04 am #270929

H
Participant

Hi Anita

Yes this is the same person. I made him feel underappreciated and sometimes forgot that his problems mattered too. He helped me a lot with my eating and personal problems but he had a argument with me recently so I’ve been on egg shells around him and told me it was all one sided for him. I had the tendency of asking him if he was ok but then sending him loads of other messages so the meaning got lost, if that makes sense. I’ve drafted a message for him but I don’t want to go back to spamming him as he’s not been in touch since Sunday.

Thanks

December 26, 2018 at 5:25 am #270935

Anonymous
Guest

Dear H:

You mean you spammed him in the past: you didn’t send him one message and waited for his reply, but instead you sent him multiple messages at any one time, almost all the messages was about yourself, your problems. In one message within a load of messages about you, you asked him about him, but that inquiry was lost. Recently (was it last Sunday?) he told you that the communication with you was one sided, about you, not about him. Correct?

If I understand correctly, did you send him messages since Sunday, if you did, what was in your messages to him since Sunday?

anita
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