Hi Anita,

Sorry to trouble you again. There was this guy, whom I recently cut contact with because he made me feel worthless and exhausted. In the starting of our friendship, he always used to say good things to me like ,’Don’t listen to others do what you like’ etc. So I thought he was an emotionally matured person and started believing that everything he said would be correct because there is no way he would go wrong. But as time passed I observed that he always puts me down and makes me feel worthless. He used to take me for granted and whenever I shared any of my problems with him, he used to coldly brush it off and say that I was complaining. I had few surgeries in the past and the pain which I experienced during those times was intense. There were times when I wished to die because the pain was so unbearable. But whenever I shared these thoughts with him, he used to say that I was exaggerating and that many others also have surgeries, nothing special about me. This broke me from inside and the worst thing is that I myself started believing that I was exaggerating and complaining. I started disregarding my own feelings due to self-doubt. I started realising that I put people on a pedastal and always think others are correct and I am wrong. What do I do in such situations?

Thankyou for your reply Anita. I did do it in moderation. I am an introvert and I don’t express my feelings to others often. Ofcourse this has been creating a problem for me as I try to deal with everything on my own and end up lost. Also, I have fear that if I open up and explain my problems to other people, they would not understand and just brush it off just as he and few others did to me. This makes me feel more lonely. He himself would ask me about my daily happenings and when I shared them as it is, he would start lashing out on me saying I am complaining. How can he expect people to be happy 24*7 when he doesn’t even know what exactly that person is battling with in their life? On the contrast, he would go on and on about how he caught a cold and how he was feeling uneasy because of it.There were many other occasions where he often put me down and made me feel worthless.

Also, I figured out that I have this weird habbit of trying to feel other’s emotions. Like, when someone is jealous of me, I get a negative vibe and feel their jealousy. To be more specific, I guess I try to put myself in their shoes completely and think from their perspective and not mine. Their negative stares and the tone of their voice makes me anxious, and though I haven’t done anything wrong, I feel like its my fault. It’s like I am focusing completely on their emotions rather than mine. I don’t know whether you understood this feeling, but if you do, can you please throw some light on it? How do I stop doing this and focus more on my emotions? How to differentiate that their emotions are not mine?

Exactly Anita! I can relate to it. Although I don’t feel it to the extreme like you once did, but its similar to mine. I don’t know whether my parents are the cause to such feelings, but its true that they are narcissistic. My father has severe anger management issues and no empathy towards my suffering. I was physically abused many times by both my parents. My Dad used to beat me with a leather belt in order to ‘discipline’ me according to him. He used to even slap me and pull my hair and throw me around. He still does that sometimes. My mother has this extreme jealousy and hatred towards me and it’s highly impossible to have a rational conversation with her. Recently I came to know that her bahaviour matches with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are so many incidents which happened in my life since my childhood that scarred me, but I have managed to get out of the impact which they had on me mentally. But I guess the residual effects are still remaining. I don’t have any emotional bond with my parents and have wished many times for them to  disappear from my life. I get extremely anxious when someone gets angry at me or raises their voice on me. I start hating that person and want to run away from them.

When I’m with other people, I do observe their non-verbal gestures, not to the extreme, but to some extent. The society in which I live in, has people with jealousy issues and low self esteem. It’s kind of like a personality trait in my country. People are rude and express their jealousy in a very unhealthy manner and also attack others verbally and sometimes physically. Maybe because of this I am very sensitive to someone’s unreasonable hatred towards me. Also, its a feeling like my emotions are being controlled by the other person. Like I’m trying to tune into other person’s feelings without valuing my feelings. Something like ‘The Me’ is not at all there. I feel obligated to give a reaction to their feelings towards me.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for making few things clear. ‘focusing on the source of danger’, this statement was spot on. This is the exact emotion I feel. When someone deliberately says something negative about me, I immediately sense that person is dangerous to me and find ways to stay away from that person. This sometime leads to irrational fear of getting hurt, if that person is too intimidating.

Unfortunately, I am still livng with my parents. My professional story goes like this- I recently quit my IT job as it was extremely stressful. The working evironment was toxic and the actual work also did not give me enjoyment. Most of all my health was deteriorating. So, its kind of hard to move out now without any income. I was actually all prepared for going abroad for doing MS, but then I questioned myself whether I really want to work in a corporate environment anymore, and the answer was No. I didn’t even have any passion or liking towards the field which I had chosen to study. I later realized that I had an inclination to music and plants. I searched for universities offering courses in these two fields and the type of job which I had to do once I finished studies. I am still searching for something which will be suitable to me both financially and personally. The reason I am trying to move abroad is to stay away from my family and the society. I am in desparate need of freedom and peace of mind. I have been burnt out both professionally and personally.

So, it is possible for me to move away from them, but not in the next 6 months. Also, I am really grateful to you for listening to my story patiently all the while. This is my first time I am sharing all my personal feelings bottling inside me to someone and I feel very safe emotionally. Thankyou so much! 🙂

Yes Anita. The society I live in is very conservative and dangerous for women. I have all sorts of people- neighbours, so called ‘relatives’, etc trying to poke nose into my personal life. It’s a society where people are forced into arranged marriages. I am tired of living here. I want a change of place to somewhere better, if not best.

The last time my father hit me was I guess less than a year ago. He slapped me across my face because I did not agree to do something which was ordered by my parents. Around two months ago he tried to hit me but I warned him not to do it, or the consequences would be severe. I mostly stay in my room and avoid conversing with them especially my mother.

I’m so sorry for what your mother did to you as a child. And I’m happy for you to have overcome that.

As for my mother, she is the worst human being I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Though my father abused me physically, he has a level of maturity and it is possible to have a conversation with him. My mother considers herself as a queen and demands others to serve her. Basically, she considers all the people around her as objects and not real human beings. She puts up a ‘I’m the wisest person on this Earth’ kind of behavior when in the presence of outsiders, but her true colours come out at home. She always accuses me verbally and to the extreme. The curse words which she uses are not used by most of the people. I can’t even count the number of times I heard the words ‘You are worthless, not fit for anything’, from her mouth. She cursed me many times to fall under a bus and die. Can you imagine a mother wanting her child to die a ruthless death? But, well they do exist like my mother. She always balmes others for all the things happening in her life. Always compares her children with others and no matter how much someone serves her it’s not enough. She badmouths and critisizes about everyone in my family to outsiders. She has abnormal jealousy and attention seeking issues and cannot digest to see me happy. She is the type of person who says,’ Because I suffered, even you should suffer’ even if it is her own daughter. Generally, normal mother would want that their children not to go through any suffering and wish for them to be happy. But my mother has no human empathy even for her own daughter. People in my family know very well about her sickening behaviour, so we avoid her as much as we can.

When I was a kid she used to abuse me physically, but now she doesn’t, because she knows I am more stronger than her and I will never tolerate her laying her dirty hands on me. There were times when she kicked me in my stomach during my periods. There are many more worse stories about her, but in short she is someone who has a mental disorder and is a severe pain to others around her. I personally feel that such people should not be allowed to have children, as they make their life a living hell. The only feeling I have towards her is disgust. She was never a priority in my life and I hope after few months, she becomes a passing cloud.

Yes Anita, that is my plan. But I am stuck right now because I am not able to find universities ready to accept my application as I am trying for a career change. I dont know what to do. I am stuck with the dilemma-Do I take up a course continuing my bachelors because it’s possible to get admits ( this will help me move away faster) or do I keep trying to make a career change(I am not sure how to go about this)? What are your thoughts on this?