Hi everyone,

Just wanted to reach out here as  I’m feeling pretty awful and wondered if there was anyone who has experienced this too or can offer any advice.

Twice over the past couple of months I have called in sick to work when nothing has been wrong, only me dreading going into the office or feeling lost or low. This time it has been three days and I have lied to my sister, parents, my boyfriend and his family – all of whom love me and worry about me – telling them that I have a stomach bug. It’s selfish, irresponsible and deceitful and I hate myself for it.

I have done things like this a lot over the past few years while doing a postgraduate degree and working various jobs, and having spoken with a number of counsellors established I was demonstrating avoidance behaviours out of anxiety and depression – I certainly wasn’t happy where I was. So I moved back home, finished a relationship I was unhappy in, withdrew from the degree and got a full time job doing admin for a law firm. I live comfortably, have a new partner who loves me and a steady job that should help me eradicate the debt I’ve built up and save for the future. I thought this would solve my problems. And yet, as I approach 30 I still feel inadequate, that I’ve achieved none of the things I wanted to, that I’ve still not found the meaningful work that would stop me being avoidant and stop me behaving so badly, and that it’s too late to do so. My new job is not beyond my capabilities but still challenging, involves having difficult conversations which make me anxious, sometimes overwhelmingly busy and full of younger, ambitious law graduates with the proper qualifications (I read history rather than law). I should feel like I’m starting again and in a better place but I still feel lost and trapped and am repeating old behaviours. Am I just lazy, a pathological liar, determined to self-destruct?

I cannot justify what I’m doing and I know I don’t deserve all the good things I have – a home, a job, people who love me. I just don’t know what to do or how to break this cycle. I don’t want to keep treating people this way.

Apologies if none of this makes sense. If anyone can help I would really appreciate it.

Many thanks x