Dear Strawberry:

It could be a midlife crisis if your thirty plus years so far constitute half of the length of your life, I suppose. But you don’t know how long you’d live.

This thought above is very relevant to your post, I believe: you wrote that you are terrified at the thought of continuing to work like this till retirement age. Isn’t it the image of you being double your age that scares you, being an older or old woman?

I had a safe, secure, higher paying job myself, but I was afraid of doing that for the rest of my life. So I quit, many years ago. Well, I am now older anyway. Quitting didn’t slow down my aging process.

Will you let me know what you think about my reply so far? (I have more thoughts)

anita

Generally speaking in the first half of life our task towards individuation is “doing” ie school, carrier, establish family…. While the second half the task changes to “being”

Or if we think in terms of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs: In the first half of life we focus on Physiological, Safety, Social, and Esteem needs and in the second half we look towards Self-actualization and Self-transcendence.

The Midlife Crises occurs when we sense a conflict between our doing and being needs. If one is not conscious of this natural transition, anxiety may arise and you end up buy the red convertible thinking that the purchase of more things is the answer – it’s a midlife crisis when you’re not awake to the change in needs and or try to fix “being” by more more “doing”.  If one approaches the transition accepting the anxiety its not long a crisis but a Midlife transition. (How we label things matters)

I noticed from your lists of concerns that most are based on a concern about imagined future – essentially your feeling the pain to day for an imagined fear of the future.  To move forward you may want to work on the list and identify any cognitive distortions and dissonance’s. In this you well be able to identify the real issues behind your anxiety create a plan to deal with them.

Strawberry,
Do not fret, you are not in this alone! All of your points are valid concerns, and I am sorry you feel unworthy. While I am all for doing a 180 and completely changing your life around, it may not be necessary. I think the reason you are feeling so “stuck” is because you’re unsatisfied and self-conscious about your lifestyle. You see others around you who are “better off”, are “more successful”, etc. But this is just your perception! None of that is true. Where you are now, is perfect. You have everything within you to feel happy and content, but it seems as though you have lost the ability to find fulfillment. I want to address each of your points, and show you how you can keep your job while you find happiness until you figure things out. There is no rush on this lifelong journey, and who knows if 30 is your halfway point! Each day needs to count.
1) You are feeling guilty. At some point in your life, you must have adopted the belief that since you have privileges (a job, money, health), you must give back and feel guilty for your life. Wrong! You have no reason to feel guilty. You worked hard to get where you are, you’re successful, and you should be proud. You can make a difference every day too. I urge you to look up “small acts of kindness”. There are so many things you can do day-to-day that may not seem as detrimental as saving lives, but you never know when you are doing just that. Making somebody smile is one way you can help alleviate suffering, start there.
2) Everyone needs to express themselves creatively in some way. Which is your preferred way? Art? Music? Dance? There are thousands of hobbies which you can use to express yourself, and which will bring you fulfillment. Personally, I love gardening, and this helps me stay sane despite working over 50 hours per week. Without expression, of course, you will feel stuck!! We humans need art! I recommend the book, “The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron.
3) The reason you feel trapped in your loop is also your perception, I’m afraid. Routine is highly effective for the human body, actually, and sleeping/eating/etc. at regular times are quite good for you. If you want to shake up your routine, I recommend waking up early! I know, I know, this seems crazy. But it feels so good to get up early and do fun things before the rest of the world has even had their first cup of coffee. Read this, it might inspire you: https://zenhabits.net/10-benefits-of-rising-early-and-how-to-do-it/. Also, I’m not sure if you’re into gardening/homesteading, but I also recommend the book “Made From Scratch: Discovering the Pleasures of a Handmade Life” by Jenna Woginrich. She was a late-twenty-something in a corporate 9 to 5 job who had the same crisis as you. Instead of leaving her job, she kept it, and fulfilled her dreams of having a homestead in the morning/afternoon hours! Honestly, be selfish with your extra time! You work to support yourself, but also so that you can have fun! Without having fun, you’re not truly living.
4) This might sound bad… but NEVER listen to other people rather than yourself. Not even me. From your post, it sounds like you truly know that you aren’t happy. Good! Listen to YOU! You have intuition, and you should follow this. Read this article https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16951/7-tricks-to-uncover-trust-your-intuition.html/ Other people have advice that is valid, but every person in the world has a different opinion, and what makes them right? There is no right or wrong decision. Every decision is a good one as long as you are making it, not other people. Don’t let them make you feel you’re doing something irrational. Only the wild ones make “stupid” decisions; “swim against the current” (my middle school yearbook quote 😉 ).

5) One day at a time, my friend. Everything will work out. Yes, life will change, and we can’t do anything about it. “The only thing we can count on is change”. No job is reliable. If you are worried about your job not being as reliable as everyone says it is, consider doing something on the side! Even though I work 50+hours a week, I still babysit most weekend nights. This is a nice source of income, but I do it mostly for the satisfaction of hanging out with children. Sign up for care.com or something like that. I think you would benefit from the great wisdom of children. They find satisfaction in the mundane.

6) Hmm… I think most of your stress is created from the high standards you hold of yourself. Check out lonerwolf.com (specifically on the articles concerning self love and the shadow self), poke around tinybuddha (the articles AND the forums), read some Buddhist text like “The Wisdom of No Escape” by Pema Chodron, “Against the Stream” by Noah Levine, and “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh. You have the power to find happiness, and you need to stop comparing yourself so harshly to others, my friend! Having a house, car, and husband may be the “American dream”, but it doesn’t have to be your dream. You have everything you need inside of you. Love yourself, no matter what. Love yourself during your “success”, during your “failure”, it is all the same. You are doing great, so love yourself, and accept this moment as it is! Trust yourself, you know best, and don’t let others affect YOUR life. You might only get one! And having a strong support system always helps. Your family and friends should support you no matter what decision you make, and if they don’t, then you need to find people who do.

7) Don’t we all! Childhood was so nice! But who is to say you can’t embrace your life like a child anyway? Example: bring a fancy sandwich to lunch and have a playdate scheduled after work, I promise they will make your day THAT much better ;-).

My friend, you are not in a crisis. You are in the pre-awakened phase. You are now on your journey to self-acceptance, happiness, satisfaction and enlightenment. I am not saying that quitting your job is the first step, but this whole chaotic confusion in your head is the first step. Love yourself through this journey, take each day one at a time, trust yourself, and find joy in each step. Good luck!

Dear Strawberry:

Following are quotes from your share and my comments:

You wrote, “I can’t derive that satisfaction when doctors save lives, or a teacher changing the life of a kid gone astray”. Having been in schools for many years, I have seen lots of jaded teachers, teachers making time till retirement, holding on because of the great benefits, paid vacations and good salary. I don’t know if there is a workplace with a higher percentage of jaded employees.

You wrote, “I always feel I wanted to do more to make some impact one day but I don’t know how… to inspire people… to make big impact.. to benefit people in need”- I think this is a key, right here. We all need to feel that we are making a difference in other people’s lives. You too need this experience. Question is, like you wrote, how.

“I miss .. being young and not worrying about future”- I think you want to look forward to something positive when you wake up in the morning, not the same old, same old. You want to be motivated by something exciting, not by worries and that you are tired of being responsible without an emotional reward to it. It is living so things don’t get worse, not living for something good. Am I understanding correctly?

If I am, can you close your eyes, when you are relaxed, maybe listening to your favorite music, or lying under the sun, and imagine what kind of life you would like to live, if all options were available to you, no limits to your imagining, and then share it here?

anita