I am feeling like the Universe and/or the Gods hate me or at least don’t care about me at all.  First I had what was supposed to be a minor surgery on my sinuses but the doctor poked a hole in my brain.  He didn’t know it.  (I honestly think the hole happened when he stabbed scissors up my nose to remove the packing without looking and without warning me but the doctor who fixed the hole in my brain said that’s not possible.)  Even though I called his office 6 times in 8 days saying something was wrong.  I had all the symptoms the exit paperwork said to call immediately if they appeared but, he refused to see me.  He said I was being hysterical and needed to rest.  I ended up with dry brain and brain droop.  I had meningitis and my eye popped out 2mm.  I went into cardiac arrest.  I tried to sue him to no avail since a CSF leak was a potential complication of the surgery.  Why wasn’t he held to the fact that he should have known that too?

The eye specialist measured the 2mm eye pop out during my first visit.  I called her in panic because I was trying to pop my ear and sucked my eye back in instead.  She said she was out of the country and wouldn’t be back for 2 weeks but if it didn’t hurt it was fine.  I saw her after she came back and the 2mm difference was gone.  She then said I was imagining it to begin with and removed it from my chart.  (This was a specialist at UCLA so not a small fry.)  The nurse while I was in the hospital overdosed me.  The nurse who replaced her was male he made negative sexual comments about my body.  I complained and the hospital said it didn’t happen.  I have PTSD which was majorly effected by all this.  My work retaliated against me because I missed a month of work and had to work from home for 2 more months after that.  I made a complaint to the EEOC but it is unlikely they will have consequences.  It’s been a year and a half and I’m still not back to my full physical or mental health.  I am still a wreck and I am beginning to think that what I was sure were mystical spiritual experiences throughout my life were more likely mental illness.  I worked so hard for justice and believed I would get justice too, to no avail.  When I wonder about bad things the universe delivers in a hot second.  When I wonder about good things – nothing.  Everywhere I look, my fellow spiritual followers say I just need more faith trust and pixie dust and I used to believe that so much. Visualization, affirmations, belief, not giving up even when it takes time but nothing.  After years of trying and decades of working hard to still struggle financially, it is all starting to sound like what charlatan Christian faith healers say – you just don’t believe enough.  I don’t know what to do.  I am so very exhausted and tired.  I am starting to lose faith in the gods and the universe.  I don’t know if I want to be a part of either anymore even if they do exist.  They seem so cruel to me now.