Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off?
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May 17, 2018 at 12:22 am #207887
EveParticipantFrom what you described, I think you have doubt on him. You don’t really think he loves you enough or put equal effort to the relationship. Otherwise you wouldn’t say you can find someone loves you and respects you during argument.
It means that you don’t trust him. Maybe he did fail you or your insecurity was making up stories.
If you can think of something he did contributing your mistrust, then you were not doing it absolutely wrong.
And from what he did after breakup, he doesn’t seem like a good partner material.
You are better off without him. Sorry that you’re still suffering from the breakup. The pain, it too shall pass.
May 17, 2018 at 5:06 am #207907
AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
You wrote: “We shared a great year together & then he was out of work for two years, which he lived rent free & everything else free”- was he living with you rent/ everything free, that is, were you supporting him financially during those two years?
Another question (my purpose asking is to understand your situation better), you wrote that there “was absolutely no discussion of anything before he left”- but you did mention discussions or maybe arguments about his bad credit, about you finding another man who will love you and respect you, about putting off the plan to buy a home together.
Weren’t those discussions before he left (although not in the same day of his leaving)?
anita
May 18, 2018 at 7:06 am #208049
BellaParticipantThank You for your input~
May 18, 2018 at 7:14 am #208055BellaParticipantHi Anita,
He didn’t know how to communicate. When we decided not to sell the house, it was because I tried to get him to sit down and talk about it & he never would. He would just say, don’t worry about details and it will work out. (Temporary housing while new home is being built/where to store our furniture/what about wills & life insurance if something happened to one of us to protect the other & future plans~and when I found out his credit was terrible, he said it was not my business~ Whenever I tried to talk about most things he all of the sudden got tired & would just tell me to go to sleep & it would be better the next day.
May 18, 2018 at 7:19 am #208057BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, I was supporting him~ He did work around the yard & took care of things, but not financially~ I had a home & he had no money~ He had child support and loans for his children he was paying on. And he had also left his ex wife with everything he had and he accumulated most of the credit card debt.
May 18, 2018 at 7:29 am #208059BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I believe he has answered my question with his actions~ It has been several days since I had left the text that I stated Urgent on, & he never questioned if I am o k. That hurts the most.
I won’t contact him, but my Heart is breaking…I know I am not the first female to understand why someone would just walk out. There are a thousand things it could have been, but the biggest thing I tell myself is if he really cared he would have had some type of a discussion before he left.
If he can move on so easily with someone else so quickly, that also says a lot. I have no desire to even talk to another man at the moment~ I feel numb!!
May 18, 2018 at 7:50 am #208067AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Reads to me that he suffered/ suffers from anxiety regarding financial matters and detailed future planning. He didn’t sit down with you to talk about selling the house, about buying a new house, about wills and life insurance as well as about storing furniture because thinking and talking about these things was distressing to hm.
This is probably why and how he got bad credit: not attending to financial matters, not planning his future in detail. When he told you, “don’t worry about details and it will work out”- he told you so because this is what he tells himself. When he told you that his bad credit is not your business- although it was your business- it was because he didn’t want to think/talk about it. He may have “left his ex wife with everything” because he didn’t want to deal with financial matters.
You recently asked him for some help and he answered that he can’t help you because he has a girlfriend. Reads to me that he wanted to hurt you so that you will stop asking for his help, so that you will feel too uncomfortable to call him for help. Do you think?
anita
May 18, 2018 at 8:15 am #208077BellaParticipantHi Anita,
You hit the nail on the head! I don’t have words to describe how it makes me feel. I can’t understand why he wants to hurt me & make things harder than they are~
I have not asked him to come back, or even try to discuss with him why he left~ I just asked him for the help he offered~
I haven’t contacted him in any way shape, or form since the 1 text 3 days ago…
I will not humiliate myself, or do anything to add to the hurt. I don’t get it and guess I will never understand my original thought of, “How could he have ever really loved me” and I don’t want to sound like one of those people that say But He Loved me. We were together 8 years and everyday he would say he loved me & give me a kiss before he went to work. But that doesn’t make up for all the time I would spend alone and him never talking about things.
I hate to say it, but I need to just write this off~ It is painful…
May 18, 2018 at 8:28 am #208083AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
You wrote “I can’t understand why he wants to hurt me & make things harder than they are”-
He probably, from my understanding based on what you shared, wants to discourage you from asking him to help you around your house. And it is not that he is motivated to “make things harder than they are” for you- he is probably motivated to make things easier for him.
anita
May 18, 2018 at 8:48 am #208085BellaParticipantHi Anita,
You are so right…
That just confirms, he could not have really cared for me very much~ I guess he was in a good situation with me, until he found another easy ride that made him happier! which made it easy for him to just walk out and be painless for him.
May 18, 2018 at 8:56 am #208087AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
When things get tough, most people go the easier route. It was easier for him to leave as he did. Did he love you before he left- I suppose he did.
I don’t know if he indeed has a girlfriend or he just said he did so to discourage you from calling him, but if he does, I don’t think he loves her or will love her more than he loved you.
Notice this: he left everything to his ex wife, you wrote. Probably not because he loved her, but because it was easier for him to leave it all to her.
I suppose what motivates him more than love is comfort, what is easier.
anita
May 18, 2018 at 11:11 am #208125BellaParticipantHi Anita,
You do have such words of wisdom…
With your words, what can you recommend for me to start healing. Even though I have not been in touch with him, it is not easy. Since he told me he has a girlfriend, of course I do the usual and wonder as to how much fun they are having & how in Love they are remembering the way he was with me in the beginning of our relationship, and then thinking …are they doing the same?
I seem to look at my phone to often to see if he may have left a message & then turn it off only to turn it on again. I even made the mistake of looking at our cell phone bill to see where he is calling…(Which wouldn’t make a difference, because I wouldn’t call the #’s to find out because I wouldn’t want him to have that pleasure of knowing I cared even though I do…Right now I know I should go out and do some things but I am unable to drive due to a temporary disability. It is going to be 4 months more, or so until I should drive again. Let alone go out and try to socialize. So, I am stuck at home with nothing to do but stress myself out alone. When were together it was usually just the two of us because he always worked late & also said I was his best friend and he didn’t want to go anywhere without me. So we did most everything with just one another. So, now I am paying the price, alone/sick and stressed.
Do you have any suggestions how to stop my mind from thinking about things that hurt, but really don’t matter…
Thank You~
May 18, 2018 at 11:36 am #208145AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
You are welcome.
Did you try guided meditation? You can download that online, so I hear. Those used to provide me with a nice break, a break from obsessing and worrying. It worked very well but like anything else, it doesn’t work every time. At times it doesn’t work, a hot bath may or a long walk outdoors.
You can prepare a list of activities and try this or that at different times. Also, best you can, prepare and stick to a daily routine. Routines do help with anxiety.
Social support is very important. It can be in-person and/or on line. You can post here every day or every other day, as you wish and hopefully other members will reply to you as well. You can do so on this thread or start a new one.
Take advantage of resources that are available to you.
anita
May 18, 2018 at 11:53 am #208147BellaParticipantThank You Anita~
May 18, 2018 at 12:39 pm #208159BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I have been digesting everything you have told me & all is sobering.
I never thought about him more interested in easy, more than Love. And if I knew he was just trying to sort through his feelings alone for a while I would be able to feel better. I do understand their is no way I will know. The girlfriend thing is what kills me. I can’t imagine him saying he met someone to hurt me & keep from him. I wish I knew the truth behind all of this.
I know it would make me look like I am groveling if I told him how I felt, which one day last week I did tell him I was sorry for anything I may have done to cause him to leave & that I still loved him. (No reply from him), other than he said one evening he wondered if I ever Loved him. Which I assured him I did, once again hoping for a reaction & nothing. That is what I can’t seem to get a grasp on. It is like if he was wondering if I ever really Loved him why didn’t he ask any questions when I told him I always did & still do.
He was just very short and said he was busy. I told him I wanted to be friendly with one another and hoped we could feel comfortable to talk if needed and he said yes, but it was clearly not so because shortly after was when I called with an urgent text and he never replied. That stick in my gut as to how he could not reply after 8 years of being together.
Am I being stupid & should I start purging him out of my system if any way possible and move on. Part of me hopes as time goes by that he will come around and want to talk. But I know in my Heart, I would not forgive him for the way he has treated me since he has been gone, especially , if he does have a girlfriend.
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