Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→I'm Unable to be Happy
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May 13, 2018 at 7:23 am #207061
MisanthropeParticipantWas in a doctors office recently letting my GP know I’m reasonably sure I have Dysthymia. Sure enough, I hit all the marks. I also hit nearly all the checks for Avoidant Personality Disorder.
Been how I am for as long as I can remember. Childhood stunk. Young Adulthood was a mess. Adulthood up to now has been a near daily kick in the face. Usually a combination of bad luck, and just flat out not being good enough for much of anything.
I’m married with a Child. I’ve another Child from a practice marriage a number of years ago I’ve little contact with due to distance. Child #2 is happy, healthy and well adjusted. My Wife is happy and for the most part thinks everything is great.
I however, am a mess. I’m unable to be happy. It’s a combination of things that I’m unable to overcome. I’ve tried a number of things ranging from various Antidepressants and Therapy, to physical Exercise to forcefully breaking out of my inherent shell of not wanting to have friends or acquaintances and meet new people. New hobbies, new music, new
and I’ve probably tried it. I’m at the point I don’t think I have it in me to be happy. It’s all too fleeting, and my normal mood is naturally down. I feel better when I self-medicate. Normally alcohol in the evenings after the house is calm (kids asleep, wife is on her spot on the couch, everything that needs doing is done), though I’m seriously considering bumping things up a little to morphine. Yes, yes. I’m aware. ‘Oh my goodness no! That’s addictive!’. I assure you, the addiction bug is not in me. My parents Positive addiction charge cancelled mine out.
Thought I’d toss a line in the water, as I’m nearing the end of my rope. Thoughts of ‘What if I just wasn’t here anymore.’ run through my mind on a daily basis. Thoughts of enjoying self-harm are becoming steadily more frequent.
In short, I’m really tired. Not ‘I need a nap’ tired. The other kind of tired.
May 13, 2018 at 8:03 am #207097
AnonymousGuestDear Misanthrope:
The other kind of tired, you wrote.
“Childhood stunk”- there is the pain, right there. It originated there and it is the pain you keep experiencing. Tired of experiencing it, feeling hopeless of trying yet again what has not taken away that pain.
I believe I know that kind of tired. It takes a whole lot of patience and persisting through distress, keep doing what works through the pain, to heal. A whole lot of time, seven years so far, for me.
Would you like to share what happened in the therapy you attended, what worked and what didn’t work?
anita
May 14, 2018 at 6:24 am #207209MisanthropeParticipantTherapy was an all around waste of time, and I quickly disliked going. It was the normal ‘Why are you depressed. Here’s what you can do to make it better.’ which was what I’d already done in the post above. I often came out thinking ‘I just spent an hour easily refuting advice from a therapist in the business for 20 years.’
In short, it didn’t work.
I’m well aware my childhood was a mess. Who has a good one? I’m sure the seeds of the mental state I’m attached to now were born from there. Short of having a time machine, it’s going to remain as it was. It’s not difficult to see what was bad, and what was good, and how one outweighed the other.
Point being, I’m at the point where staying in bed is preferable to getting up. Especially on weekends. Just detaching from everything and trying to sleep to the point of oversleeping and staring at the wall, is preferable to do anything remotely close to productive. Why would I? It’s like living in the Land of No.
May 14, 2018 at 9:01 am #207233AnonymousGuestDear Misanthrope:
I didn’t understand this in your original post: “the addiction bug is not in me. My parents Positive addiction charge cancelled mine out”. I didn’t understand positive addiction charge, can you explain to me?
Not all psychotherapists are not capable or hard working and so, it is unfortunate that too often therapy is a waste of time and money.
I agree, not many people (and I don’t know personally of anyone) had good childhoods. This is why so many people are suffering, so many people are dysfunctional. The fact that a bad childhood is not rare does not make it any less painful and damaging for any one person experiencing a bad childhood.
Clear to me that you are tired of trying, and understandably so, because you are in the same state, or a worse than you were before trying. What you do not need is anyone telling you what to try next. It will not be helpful to suggest to you that you try anything at all.
So, my suggestion: don’t try anything. It is okay to just lie there staring at the wall for as long as you need to, for as long as you want to. Rest.
anita
May 14, 2018 at 10:43 am #207273MisanthropeParticipantPositive + Positive. Sometimes means you get what the two positives have. Sometimes you don’t. It’s a bad analogy for not getting the addiction aspect of a personality.
I agree in that some people are just not happy, the vast sweeping majority of the time. There are plenty of people out there that are ‘glass half full’ and always have a smile. There’s no flipside to that personality?
The Alcohol helps me sleep. As will the Morphine when it arrives across my door. When this latest batch of SSRI’s is finished with, I’ll just say that they do nothing for me.
I agree. ‘Trying’ repeatedly, is a waste of time. Some have minds that work against them all their lives. Most don’t.
May 14, 2018 at 11:17 am #207327AnonymousGuestDear Misanthrope:
A smile is far from an indication of happiness. Far from it. So you will be trying something after all, morphine. You are not done trying then. A decade ago I tried a narcotic, a very strong narcotic. I have never felt that good before or since. It was an incredible feeling I didn’t know was possible. I was surprised, had no idea it was possible to feel that way, no trouble whatsoever, all was good and it lasted hours and hours and into the next day. Then the good feeling weakened. Of course, I took more of that stuff and felt as good all over again. Oh how incredibly delightful. I would have taken that stuff again and again for the rest of my life, no doubt.
Problem is the fourth or fifth time I vomited. I tried again and vomited again, no good feeling.
Shame. I understand this is the norm, the good feeling doesn’t happen again and again after the introduction period. Somehow, the brain/ body says: not that easy! I am getting you back to feeling the way you used to!
anita
May 14, 2018 at 11:20 am #207333MisanthropeParticipantI didn’t smiling is the end all, be all of happiness. Merely an indication of the flipside of the stereotypical ‘happy’ coin.
I don’t know about that. Moderation being key and all. Once a month? Maybe twice? The body resets itself with enough time in between. I’ve had that happen to myself many times. Daily? Hourly? Chronically? Then of course. Resistance to any pharmaceutical is a thing. But how it’s used is the key to it’s potency in the body.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by
Misanthrope.
May 14, 2018 at 11:26 am #207337AnonymousGuestDear Misanthrope:
Short term relief at best is what I figure any drug can provide. No drug can rewire the brain. The unhappy connections, neuropathways, these can be deactivated temporarily as it happened for me. Then those neuropathways are back in business like before.
anita
May 14, 2018 at 11:37 am #207345MisanthropeParticipantCorrect. I agree. They don’t stay fixed. I see no problem with ‘temporarily’. People take breaks at a job. You can’t not work forever. Doesn’t work that way. Taking a break with X substance? On occasion? Zero issue with that in my eyes.
May 14, 2018 at 11:49 am #207349AnonymousGuestDear Misanthrope:
Do what works for you. Stop doing what doesn’t work for you.
We all want to feel good. We definitely don’t want to feel badly. Definitely don’t want to suffer.
anita
May 15, 2018 at 9:57 am #207465AnonymousGuestDear Misanthrope:
I wanted to bring you back to the first page of topics (before you move to the second page) and invite you to post again anytime. I would like to read about what happens next in your life and reply, if you would like that.
anita
June 6, 2018 at 10:34 pm #211327MisanthropeParticipantIn a month, my dip is continuing nicely.
I’m currently on 300mg of Wellbutrin a day, which has done precisely zero. So that’s ssri #3 that’s an all around waste of time. My job is still slowly wearing me down to nothing and beyond. I’ve no prospects, as life in general tells me ‘No’ on a daily basis. Be it tossing out my resume to a few dozen places in recent months, to applying to a secondary school and denied (3 times no less for my career of choice I feel I would be great at, but early 20’s ‘bar stars’ are preferred by what I’ve seen), to my marriage being stagnant as a whole.
The bright spots are that my child is happy and healthy in every way, and my spouse thinks all is well beyond me being ‘down’ often.
A recent trip to my GP left me being told I’ve undiagnosed Major Depressive Disorder. When I asked ‘But the clouds lift once in a while, no?’ I was told ‘For some. For others it doesn’t.’
I’ve a follow up appointment in a couple weeks where I’m going to be told that since 3 different ssri’s did nothing, and the plethora of other ‘depression breaker’ activities haven’t done anything, there’s nothing else my GP can do (his words).
Thankfully, once this round of meds is done, and i’m fully off them, I can get back to using Alcohol which helps in small bursts, when used responsibly.
That’s about it.
June 7, 2018 at 5:54 am #211373AnonymousGuestDear Misanthrope:
Good to read from you again. You wrote that your wife “thinks all is well beyond (you) being ‘down’ often”-
is it that you don’t tell her how you feel, like you do here… are you behaving in such ways as to protect her and your child from the truth of your despair?
(It is quite admirable, if you do what it takes to protect your child from knowing your despair, and he should be protected. My mother went on and on about her misery, telling me, showing me the depth of her despair and that harmed me a whole lot).
Back to my question….?
anita
June 12, 2018 at 9:15 am #212227MisanthropeParticipantShe’s aware of how I feel. She’s big on the ‘Medication and Therapy work wonders!’. My child has no idea. She’s aware I’m not doing so great. Just got out of a doctors appointment today where the 3rd round of ssri’s had zero effect on me, so my GP gave me a website to google search for therapists in my city, and sent me on my way. So no more meds! Yay!
Beyond that, it’s business as usual. I’m miserable when I wake, I’m miserable at work, I’m miserable when I go to bed. I hide it well so my child has no idea, and a good half the time my spouse thinks all is well. No prospects, as I just recently got another ‘closed door’ to a career I felt driven towards, and 3 more ‘Thanks but no thanks’ notices for resumes I put out there.
That’s that. Nothing more to it but continue dying on the vine.
June 12, 2018 at 12:12 pm #212241AnonymousGuestDear Misanthrope:
You wrote that your child has n idea and yet “She’s aware I’m not doing so great”- that means she has an idea, doesn’t it?
You wrote that you got “anther ‘closed door’ to a career I felt driven towards”- felt driven towards… is that a sign of life in the “dying on the vine”?
Unless you misspoke, or mistyped, will you tell me about this drive?
* Will soon be away from the computer for about 14 hours.
anita
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