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Should I accept him?

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  • May 1, 2018 at 2:57 am #205013
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pineapplegirl:

    You wrote, “He didn’t take a stand for me… he should fight for me”-

    but he did take a stand and he did fight for you. You wrote that he “told her (his mother) he wanted to be with me… He was fighting with his family all the time to be with me”. Telling his mother that he wanted to be with you is taking a stand. Fighting “all the time” is a lot of fighting that he did so to be with you.

    Unfortunately, because of the culture, and because a child is so powerfully influenced by what parents tell the child at an early age, his mother’s input is very powerful. He got tired fighting.

    His mother, it seems, at one point gave in to her son.. somewhat, not whole heartedly. There may be a chance to convince her. Maybe. If you are able, if you have what it takes to withstand the distress involved, then maybe you should cooperate with the man to win the acceptance of his family.

    But only if you are able, if you are able to fight this battle and if the two of you are very likely to make a good team in life.

    (I would suggest that he abandons false responsibilities to his family of origin, free himself from this breadwinner role, marry who he chooses, when he chooses… but I am aware of how unlikely this is to happen, how powerful parents are, and I am aware somewhat of the culture).

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 4:40 am #205029
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Pineapple,

    I agree with everything Anita wrote.  Your boyfriend fought for you and stood up to his mother and family for you.  You are getting a good view of what life will be like with your boyfriend’s family if you and your boyfriend try to work things out.

    I think it is entirely possible for you and your boyfriend to work things out, and be happy together, but it has to begin with a) your boyfriend being autonomous from his family and b) the two of you deciding what the boundaries will be with his family – specifically his mother.  The title of your post asks “Should I Accept Him?” but what you really need to ask yourself is if you can accept his family and the dynamics that come with it.

    For you, your boyfriend is like finding a ruby among a pile of debris, made up of stones, sand, dirt, garbage.  The situation you have here is that you can carry the ruby with you, but you must also take the debris surrounding it and carry it with you everywhere, every day, unless you and your boyfriend make some drastic changes to eliminate the debris or at least carve a very clear boundary around it.  The deeper the boundary, the better.

    Airene

    May 1, 2018 at 7:05 am #205067
    pineapplegirl
    Participant

    Thank you for the great advice. I am just afraid it is too late to work things out now. My family is now against his family. I want things to work out but he wants me to live with his mom or close to her. I made it clear I wanted things to work but I would like my privacy but since he has to support his family he can have her live in another house close to us once we are financially strong enough.

    I just want him to be able to support me when his mom talks against me. I am really really confused. I have been given a month to think about this. My friends say I should not be thinking about it at all and let go. I am trying to move ahead but I cant stop thinking about him. I am from a wealthy family and he isn’t, but I never took that as a negative. I feel love is enough for two people to live a happy life but I fear he will always choose his mom over me.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by pineapplegirl.
    May 1, 2018 at 7:30 am #205075
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pineapplegirl:

    Reads to me at this point, that better that you do move on from this relationship, that you let it go. Living with his mother, or living close to her, having her in your life on a regular basis reads to me like a bad plan. I see her attacking you covertly if not overtly, indirectly, if not directly and I see him expecting you to live with it. Not a good plan. Not at all.

    And so, I join your friends in recommending that you indeed place this relationship in your past. Long term, you will feel better for it, much better.

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 8:07 am #205077
    pineapplegirl
    Participant

    I don’t know how to move on. I thought I had finally found someone worth spending the rest of my life with. I am under a lot of pressure to marry. The society is unkind. I just do not want to think about any man because I am really sad right now. I see him everywhere and miss him and everything about him. He is for me one of those guys I have a really hard time getting over especially because despite everything we were happy together.

    May 1, 2018 at 8:43 am #205085
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pineapplegirl:

    There is no easy solution at the moment, is there. Whatever you choose there is some misery to follow: if you do manage to marry this man, there will be the misery of his mother in your life and his support of his mother. If you don’t marry him, there is the society’s pressure to marry, judging you negatively for not being married. You may then rush to marry someone else, and that may not be a good  marriage.

    I  would say best for you  is to not rush to a solution at the moment. Think and evaluate the situation over time, best you can. Perhaps you being of a wealthy family can be useful for you, maybe counseling will help, counseling with a qualified person who is very aware of the culture and all that is involved.

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 9:29 am #205103
    pineapplegirl
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thankyou for the advice. I agree I feel a pressure over me to make a quick decision when what I really need is time to think about it which I will. Thankyou so much!

    May 1, 2018 at 10:07 am #205115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pineapplegirl:

    You are welcome. I hope you take your time and post again.

    anita

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