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Break up, Is it really all my fault? Am I crazu

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  • April 29, 2018 at 9:11 am #204741
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mika:

    I suppose you came into this (now past) relationship with your issues, your unresolved conflicts and she came into it with her issues, her unresolved conflicts. I don’t know if there are any two people who enter a relationship otherwise. Issues may be big or small at any one time, upon entry into a relationship, but issues exist, on both sides.

    Question is: are the two people entering a relationship willing to work together for the benefit of each other and the relationship; are the two parties in a relationship willing and able to help each other?.

    You wrote: “I was hoping to find a solution that makes both of us happy”- this is in line with helping each other, you wanting to help yourself and help her in the context of the relationship.

    Were there any efforts on her part to help herself and to help you in the context of the relationship?

    anita

     

    April 29, 2018 at 10:04 am #204757
    Mika
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your answer. I guess the answer is yes, but only after I gave in. She never agreed to go to therapy. She told me she was not ready. That she needs her pain.  She never, ever gave me any credit when we disagreed about something. When she was sad, I was doing my best to understand what she was thinking and feeling. When I was feeling sad, it was just about me being demanding, complaining or negative. She never said she is sorry (like she ment it). Not a single time. It was always 100% my fault. And she really knew what to say to make me feel really bad about myself. And I think she chose her words to do exactly that. It was like I became her enemy or something, like a burden. And now she says that I am selfish and only care about myself. Seriously? Now, when I write this I can almost hear her voice in my head saying things like: “Now you are crying about your stuff in internet forum. PATHETIC!” “Stop lying!” “This is not what happened!” “I was acting like I was because you were so selfish!” “You were not good enough!”

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Mika.
    April 29, 2018 at 10:16 am #204765
    Mika
    Participant

    All I wanted that we could help each other to be happy. That we would support each other. And now, I feel betrayed. Maybe she was seeking revenge. If that´s the case, she got what she wanted.

    April 30, 2018 at 3:11 am #204829
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mika:

    You wrote about her: “This woman … she is spoiled, negative and complaining… she put al the blame for (her ex)… she has a problem with eating.. wants to be thin… obsessed about that… she has not many friends and does not like to be around people… she does not feel any connection to animals”

    She told you that you are “drastic, negative and complaining.. a person who only cares about myself… very selfish… that I should think first before I speak sometimes so I won’t end up saying things that will hurt other people…that it does not matter if I apologize thousands times when the harm is already done.”

    My input: I think that you attending counseling is a very good idea. I see a lot of hurt in you from a time before you met this woman, a hurt that is projected into this past relationship.

    My first paragraph above includes quotes of your complaints about her, the second is what you mentioned to be her complaints about you. The fact that you complained about her eating and thinness concerns as well as her lack of connection with animals (topics that are not related to a relationship with you) leads me to think that you are trying to build a case against her, suggesting she is a sick and/ bad person.

    Her complaints about you, on the other hand, do not include items that are not relevant to a relationship.

    Seems to me that during the troubled part of the relationship, you projected into her pre-existing unresolved issues. According to your sharing, it is my understanding that she felt that you didn’t see her for who she was, that she felt invisible, unheard, unknown by you.

    anita

     

    April 30, 2018 at 4:10 am #204843
    Mika
    Participant

    No,Thank you again Anita. I think you are right, and I have to take responsibility of that. So do you think it is true that this is all my fault? Or do you think this was an encounter of two broken people? Im asking this because those feelings of being invisible, unheard and unknown apply to me as well. Maybe the old saying “water seeks its own level” is true.

    April 30, 2018 at 4:28 am #204851
    Mika
    Participant

    Actually I agree with you 100%. She said to me once that she is not like the other women II have met. And now I understand what she ment. I think its me who was abusive, narsistic, selfish punk. How was I so blind? I feel so ashamed now that I could just crawl in the hole where nobody finds me…

    April 30, 2018 at 4:35 am #204853
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mika:

    You are welcome. You asked if “this was an encounter of two broken people?”-

    I don’t know personally of any person who is not injured, who was not injured in childhood, somewhat, somehow. And so, any two people coming together bring their past injuries into the relationship, I believe.

    One very important element in a healthy relationship is that each person takes responsibilities for the consequences of the injuries suffered earlier in life. By responsibility I mean, really, not blaming the other for what they are not guilty of. For example, you feel lonely- it doesn’t mean she neglected you, might very well be nothing wrong that she has done. Let’s say she feels invisible, doesn’t mean you don’t see her.

    The two people have to communicate effectively, to ask questions and listen to answer, so to check and find out what is from the past, the then-and-there, and what is from the present, the here-and-now.

    When you inaccurately project your past into her, you don’t see her. If she does the same, she doesn’t see you.

    * just saw your recent post- please don’t take all of the responsibility for what happened. It is hardly ever the case. Two people are responsible for a relationship.

    anita

    April 30, 2018 at 5:06 am #204863
    Mika
    Participant

    Well, I guess there is nothing I can do to repair the damage I have caused. I know she will never, ever forgive me. All I can do is to hope that she will be very happy in her life and pray for her. So sad. We were so good to each other before things got messy.

    April 30, 2018 at 5:36 am #204869
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mika:

    Reads to me that the relationship is indeed over. Best you can do is learn all you can from this past experience. Learn what you did that you can do better next time.

    It takes two to make a relationship work. Figure out what about a potential girlfriend is okay for you to accept and what is not. Then do not proceed in the future with a woman who is not a good choice for you, where a healthy relationship is not possible.

    If a heathy relationship with a particular woman is possible, see to it that you are attentive to your behavior, that the communication is effective, that is, that you are heard and she is heard, and take it from there.

    anita

    April 30, 2018 at 6:06 am #204875
    Mika
    Participant

    Yeah, I hope that too. I was hoping that she goes to therapy so she can heal her own pain, not because I thought there is something wrong with her. Her father left her and her family when she was baby. Now when I think it was not bad luck or anything that we met. We both have terrible fear of being abandoned (she told me she is afraid that I disappear). I think by acting how we act we make sure that this trauma keeps repeating itself. And this is the reason why I believe that in a perfect world we would share the responsibility of our failed relationship. It is unfortunate for her that she did not want to do that.  I hope that in some day she understands her own part in our failed relationship and gets free from this own relationship patterns and find somebody who truly loves her in a way she deserve to be loved.

    April 30, 2018 at 6:13 am #204881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mika:

    Your thoughts read reasonable to me; you are making good sense.

    It is a good thought: two people fearing abandonment getting together and providing that comfort for each other, neither abandoning the other. It is easy to think this, to put it in a sentence like I just did. But in real life, any one of the two people fearing abandonment, coming together are more likely to abandon the other because of this fear.

    anita

    April 30, 2018 at 9:59 am #204929
    Mika
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, especially for helping me to see my part on this. This is always the most difficult part. I also understand that it is very difficult to see your own flaws sometimes, and the big part of personal growth is to own your own shadows. Altough she did some hurtful things to me, I know she is not a bad person. She carries a lot of anger, lot of grief. The most difficult part of this is that I really wanted to help her to help herself, and instead of that I only caused more pain. And at the same time I know I have to forgive myself. I know I did not want to cause harm. I just did not know what I am doing. And I think this applies to almost everybody. People do not intentionally hurt each other. It makes me really sad that she thinks that my apologies had 100% selfish motive. What I tried to do was validating her hurt feelings and make sure that she does not take all the guilt. I have to admit that I needed that too, so thats why I went to counseling in the first place. With her I was never able to get that validation. But again, her reaction tells me that she really cared about me and I let her down. I have always felt so unlovable that it was impossible to believe that somebody really loves me and will be there for me. I hope that maybe one day she understands that I cared about her too. I know that right now she does not think that way.

    April 30, 2018 at 10:21 am #204939
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mika:

    As I read your sentence: “I just did not know what I am doing”, before I read your next sentence, I thought to myself isn’t it true to so many, many people. It has been true to me too, for the greatest part of my life. Your next sentence is: “And I think this applies to almost everybody”.

    You wrote: “I tried to… make sure that she does not take all the guilt”- but she may not have been inclined to take any guilt, from what you shared, no? It may be that you inaccurately projected that to her, that is, believed that she is inclined to feel guilty because this is your inclination. May not be at all hers.

    anita

    April 30, 2018 at 12:27 pm #204961
    Mika
    Participant

    I talked with my counselor today. I told her everything I have told here, and some other things as well. We talked about my childhood and my mother as well. I am not going to details, but this breakup is MOST DEFINETLY not my fault only. All I am going to say is that I am really happy that she is not in my life anymore. It does not mean that I do not wish her well, I really do. Now I am safe again.

    May 1, 2018 at 2:35 am #205007
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mika:

    You answered your own question in the title of your thread: “Break up, is it really all my fault?”

    Answer: “this breakup is MOST DEFINTELY not my fault only”.

    I agree.

    What a relief that was yesterday as you posted the above, following your powerful counseling session, wasn’t it? This is because you understood the truth, and the false core belief was corrected.

    False core beliefs unfortunately don’t get easily and permanently corrected, they don’t disappear following such understanding as you had yesterday. A false core belief will reappear if not in one context, then in another. It is so because a core belief is imprinted in many neuropathways in the brain and a longer process of healing is required to change one, a long time and a lot of work.

    Therefore, if your counselor is capable (as he or she seems to be, according to your sharing), and you are able, keep attending counseling. Explore there the origin of this particular core beliefs (that it-is-all-your-fault, it being whatever it is that is wrong). I hope to read more from you.

    anita

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