Dear Ying:

You were clear and direct with M, she was and is unclear and indirect with you, something that when in conflict or in an unclear situation, is very frustrating for the one who is being clear and direct.

Because this situation has been going on a few years, I would say, determine in your mind that your acquaintance and association with M will soon come to an end. This will not last forever.

No solution is possible through communicating with her (it takes two). Because there is no solution, there is no  point to thinking about a solution. It is like having a thorn in your foot that you cannot take out, for now. You have an appointment to take it out in a week. For the week, you have to live with it.

What do you do? Focus best you can on other things. The thorn will bother you again and again, tell yourself: this is unpleasant but it won’t kill me. It will pass, oh, how nice it will be in a week when I am free from this unpleasantness.

anita

Dear Ying:

The issue you posted about does not at all seem trivial to me. I hope you feel comfortable to share more about this or about any issue at all. If it bothers you, it is not trivial.

You wrote about that incident you described, “I believe it was unjustified”- reads unjustified to me. Notice the word justice in in “unjustified”. Injustice is a reality we all live in, has been the reality of human life throughout history. All I can do, all you can do is make your behavior just. But as you do, better expect injustice to be part of life. Accepting reality with as much peace as we can is congruent with mental well being.

My advice “for focus and concentration”- do your best to be at peace with reality as it is, the reality you cannot change, from having the roommate you are having at the moment, to injustice in life and everything in between.

Continue to minimize communication with the roommate, do not try at all to be nice to her. Make the communication with her truly minimal, in verbal output and emotion. No need to smile at her, for example. Do not reach out to her in any way.

Any of the following can help, and you can do this or that at any one time: take a fast walk outside, a hot shower, exercise, yoga perhaps, a calming guided meditation, relaxing music. And post here anytime you would like, if it helps you through the assignments and exams. I will consider nothing to be trivial and will continue to reply to you, if you’d like.

anita