Hi Jane and Anita,

Thanks for sharing. It’s the first I’ve looked at an online forum and quite surprised that I came across this so quickly.

I can empathize with both of you in a way.

The last 2 years have been an absolute rollercoaster, and I only starting figuring out why last year September. I’m still working on it.

In Feb 2016 I was raped in France, however, I mentally blocked it out for 16 months… completely. Now that I’m in a better state I look at the timeline of things and March 2016 was when I went to the Doctor to get something to help me sleep as I kept waking up with nightmares and panic attacks, but I didn’t know why. I had absolutely no memory of the rape, just the break in. He prescribed anti-anxiety pills (benzos) and I got severly addicted to them, very quickly (I’m talking minimum 10 per day). I also started drinking a hell of a lot… but still… I had no idea why.

I eventually came home in September (I work overseas) after losing 4 jobs in a year (again, I didn’t understand why I was behaving the way I was) and went to a Wellness Centre in Durban. I did a treatment called Ibogaine and the memory of the rape came back. It was terrifying… I’m still working through it with my psychologist… but in a way, it’s helped me understand a bit of what was going on… But…

Since working with my psychologist, I have been forced to admit to myself that I actually have a hell of a lot more memory loss, from my whole life… I was put into hospital when I was 13, with severe anorexia, and we still don’t know why. To be honest, I don’t even remember being put into hospital. I though the memory loss was normal…Aparently not… I have an amazing family and I can’t ever imagine someone harming me… but the more I talk to the psychologist the more I realise how bad the communication has been, in many ways. I think Anita is right in saying we look for 1 major event, but it could absolutely be emotional experiences, over  long period of time… These could have a huge effect. The thing is, especially as a child, even if the other person/people does not mean intentional harm, we could interpret just one thing incorrectly, and that could change our frame of reference in a huge way. Motivated reasoning and all that.

Anyway … I don’t know if this helps at all, but what I have noticed is the more I try remember, the more stressed I get, and the less I remember. We also have to be careful of creating false memories… Very easy to do.

I really believe our brains release these memories when we are ready for them. Don’t force it. It’s hard, I know.