HomeāForumsāRelationshipsāBoyfriend is depressed (I think) and broke up with me
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Hailie.
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March 15, 2018 at 11:00 am #197451
HailieParticipantSo this is the first time I’ve ever posted on this site or any site like it. But a week and a half ago my boyfriend of about a year and a half broke up with me out of the blue. We met about 2 years ago and were friends for a few months before dating. I knew since we started dating that he has struggled with depression in the past, and in the beginning of our relationship he would sometimes have episodes of becoming really sad and going to a “scary place” without any cause. This hasn’t happened for a long time, but he has always struggled with self confidence issues. Our relationship has been very healthy. We really loved each other, laughed with each other, were very open and honest. We had a lot in common and were very very similar for the most part. He has always been very fun, sweet, caring, emotional, laid back and what I would describe as having an “old soul” He was always very affectionate and open about how much he loved me, and I was the same way.
In the past couple of months I have noticed a small change in him. He hasn’t been eating, hasn’t been sleeping very well, or over sleeping and being late to work very often. He also has been crying at random times for no specific reason. He has had a more negative view on life. complaining about his job that he at first really loved. he has also been getting more angry and small things, and it seems like his patience and temper haven’t gotten shorter with many different parts of his life. He has also been saying how he hates himself, and wondering why all of his friends hate him. It used to be whenever I would get upset about something, he would just say how “he’s the worst” and how he “can’t make me feel better or make me happy” even though I made it very clear to him that wasn’t true. He has always not been very confident in himself and his looks, but it seems to be more extreme in the past two months or so. So I have noticed that his behavior has changed, but nothing has changed in regards to how he acts towards me. Up to the day before he broke up with me, he was acting just as affectionate as he always had, saying how much he loved me and how happy I made him, he was also talking about our future, what my wedding dress would look like, moving in together, etc. I lost my job about a month ago and he suggested he could ask his boss if they were hiring, and how he is so confident in us and our relationship so that doesn’t worry him.
I was with him Sunday night and everything was fine. Monday morning ( the day he broke up with me) he was supposed to come over early but didn’t come until about 1, and lied about being asleep up until then. He then started talking about how much he is hurting, and how he can’t explain why and how he “feels like he’s going crazy and needs to go to pine rest” he then said that he doesn’t love me the same way, and can’t give me what I deserve anymore. That he can’t handle my problems on top of his, and just can’t be in relationship anymore. This came as a huge shock based on his recent behavior. I am so devastated and confused. I recently talked to one of our mutual friends, and he agreed that he thinks something is going on with him and that he may be depressed. That same night I received a text from my ex boyfriend. Sounding so angry and mean saying that he was going to send this and then not text me again because he had to move on. He said that he was fine. he wasn’t in pain and wasn’t not himself. He was just so unhappy because of how unhealthy our relationship was and how it wasn’t growing anymore. But he never told me that he was upset or feeling uneasy about our relationship, Something that i would’ve expected him to do. and i don’t agree with him that our relationship was unhealthy. We were arguing a little more than normal recently, and didn’t feel as close, but I believe that is because we haven’t been able to see each other as much.
So i guess i’m just so confused and hurt and wondering if anyone has gone through something similar to this or has any advice on what you think may be going on? I guess i should just believe him when he says that stuff. But i also know that depression can cause you to blame other things for the pain you are feeling, and clouds your vision and feelings. and i am SO sorry for how long this is. I just wanted to include the whole story.
March 15, 2018 at 11:16 am #197455
AnonymousGuestDear Hailie:
I would like to understand better, therefore I ask:
You wrote, “We were arguing a little more than normal recently”- how often did you argue in the past, who initiated arguments and what were they about? What words were used during such arguments by you and by him?
And recently…?
anita
March 15, 2018 at 11:21 am #197457HailieParticipantWe didn’t really argue that much in general. It was never over anything big. Just little disagreements I guess I would call them. Most of the time it was one of us overreacting to something the other one said, or interpreting it the wrong way, or one of us would be feeling insecure about something. And we never yelled at each other, put each other down or anything like that. We would both explain what we were feeling and then resolve it in a timely manner. He said he felt that we weren’t resolving things and were arguing over the same thing, which i’m not really sure what he’s referring to. A lot of the time they would turn into a bigger deal because he would react by saying “I’m just the worst” or “you should just break up with me because I’m shitty and you shouldn’t settle for that” which would then make me more frustrated because I never said any of those things, and that’s not what I wanted. So I guess that was one of the main things we would argue about. Not even the thing that upset us in the first place – but how he would react to it.
March 15, 2018 at 11:34 am #197465AnonymousGuestDear Hailie:
Can you give me an example of he said/he said of an argument. It doesn’t need to be exact, of course. An example of a significant argument that took place?
anita
March 15, 2018 at 11:35 am #197469AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
March 15, 2018 at 11:39 am #197473HailieParticipantSo a few weeks ago he brought up that he could talk to his manager and ask if they were hiring so that i could apply. This was right after I lost the job ( that I really loved) So I just told him that “That’s a really good idea and i really appreciate you trying to help I’m just not sure if that would be somewhere I would want to work right now” and he said “I should just stop trying to help because I can’t help or make you feel better” and then didn’t respond for an hour or so. and then started saying how ” I should just break up with him because he’s just shitty and can’t make me happy so I probably just want to break up with him, etc.” I asked him if that is what he wants and he said “no not at all. i guess I’m just convincing myself that you do.” Just things like that, both of us overreacting and letting our insecurities get in the way. But again, we resolved it, at least i thought. but maybe to him we didn’t? because he still thought he just couldn’t make me happy or feel better
March 15, 2018 at 11:47 am #197475AnonymousGuestDear Hailie:
In the example you gave, I failed to see your overreaction. Where is it? Also, I read frustration on his part, I fail to see anger or frustration on your part, where is it? Nor do I read you disagreeing with him.
(If there was none, no anger on your part expressed, no frustration, not even disagreement on your part, there was no argument. It takes two to argue).
anita
March 15, 2018 at 11:54 am #197483HailieParticipantI didnāt overreact in this case. I think what would happen was he was just making a problem out of nothing, and then I would get kind of frustrated. Or I felt like instead of focusing on the main problem, or the thing I was upset about, he would turn it in to ā oh Iām just the worstā which made it hard to really get all of my feelings out there.
March 15, 2018 at 12:09 pm #197487AnonymousGuestDear Hallie:
regarding this example, assuming prior to that verbal exchange you did not complain to him a lot about having lost your job, not going on and on about it (leading him to come up with his suggested solution), then from the information you provided, reads like you are reasonable and he is unreasonable, or has become unreasonable (if he wasn’t before), making a functional relationship impossible.
anita
March 15, 2018 at 12:10 pm #197489HailieParticipantMaybe a better example would be about a week ago he was hanging out with one of his friends that he hasnāt seen in a while. I told him that I would text him later to let him have time to just hang out with that friend. And he got upset because he thought I was saying I just wanted him to leave me alone, which is been a problem in the past. Because I have said oh Iāll just leave you alone when I felt like I was interrupting something he was doing. But I texted him back saying thatās not what I meant and thatās not what I wanted, but he continued to just ignore me for a few hours. When he finally responded I told him I was upset that he didnāt text me back or at least acknowledge the fact that I told him I didnāt want him to just leave me alone. He then got defensive saying that whenever I said that, he was hard for him to understand what I actually wanted. To which again I said, but I texted you saying I didnāt mean I wanted you to leave me alone. Ā So just stupid little stuff like that. None of our arguments, or whatever I should call them, weāre over anything big or serious.
March 15, 2018 at 1:17 pm #197499AnonymousGuestDear Hailie:
Will be back to the computer in about 15 hours. Will reply when I am back. If you would like to add any more information that may be relevant by then, please do. I hope other members will reply to you before my return.
anita
March 15, 2018 at 3:33 pm #197513HailieParticipantI also wanted to add something about when we would argue/ when i would be upset about something. Whenever I would get upset about something, even if it wasn’t a huge deal, he would as I said go straight to just blaming himself and say he is the worst. but he would also often times hit himself in the head, really hard, over and over. I know this is not healthy. And i am so upset at myself for not telling someone about this – but i didn’t know what to do i guess. But anyways, he would do that, sometimes hit the wall or throw things ( not at me) and would lock himself in another room where I could not get to him. At one point ( I don’t remember what the problem was) he began to hold his breath for long periods of time, to the point where it seemed he would be close to passing out. All of this happened when me, or someone else in his life, was upset at him. Even as I’m writing this i’m feeling so horrible about not letting someone know this was happening, because i know how unhealthy it is that he is doing this. but i felt it might explain the situation more, so I wanted to mention that.
March 16, 2018 at 5:10 am #197589AnonymousGuestDear Hailie:
What is clear to me is that this man was mistreated when he was a child, given the message that he was a bad boy, the worst, all those things he has been accusing himself of being. He was told those things.
What is unclear to me is whether you were honest with him about your anger toward him or not. For example, when you told him that you will leave him alone so that he can spend time with his friend, whether you were okay with leaving him alone, or it was said angrily. I don’t know if you said it before, and knew from past experience that it will upset him to hear it, and yet you said it, being passive aggressive that way.
He carries things from childhood, no doubt, and is inclined to see offense where there is none. Problem is, there are people (in addition to his parent/s) who are offensive, who are aggressive, passive aggressive if not directly aggressive. So sometimes he is correct about his present evaluation of people’s intent. Sometimes people do try to hurt others.
Question is: when you are upset or frustrated, do you resort to saying things to hurt him, indirectly if not directly. I don’t know.
anita
March 16, 2018 at 7:57 am #197625HailieParticipantI think when I would say this in the past it would be coming from a place of me being insecure that I SHOULD leave him alone, because he’s doing something else, or hanging out with someone else, and I don’t want to interrupt. It was also maybe a way to get reassurance that he did want to talk to me. which is dumb, because i should’ve know he did if he was talking to me, But in this case I truly did just mean what i said, which i explained to him, But i can see how it would be confusing for him.
Thank you so much for responding to this, I really appreciate it!
March 16, 2018 at 8:11 am #197631AnonymousGuestDear Hailie:
You are very welcome. I don’t think he can handle any ambiguity from a person in an intimate relationship, or otherwise. He has to know that you mean what you say and say what you mean. Otherwise, he will be lost in torture because of the thoughts he has, thoughts that get activated when he encounters ambiguity.
These thoughts are that he is the worst, a bad person, needs to be punished and so forth.
anita
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