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Should I move on from long distance ex or am I stupid for wanting him back?

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  • January 21, 2018 at 9:14 am #187893
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nees:

    Would you like to elaborate on that “simple argument”? And about the complicated drama it developed into, details, that is, he said/ did, she said/did kind of account?

    anita

    January 21, 2018 at 1:03 pm #187939
    Nees
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Our arguments always start with him observing a behavior of mine that he does not like then it will blow up because he will connect it to a bigger issue. Sample: me not hearing what he said because of the volume of the TV (he then says I don’t listen) or me eating cereal in his room and not realizing I might spill it on his computer monitor (connects it to not valuing his thing). I recognize his concern and say sorry all the time but I just feel humiliated — he treats me like a kid and calls me immature. I feel like he has some issues or he is deflecting some parts of himself onto me. He gets upset way too easily and I am always the one saying sorry.

    I rebooked my flight because it was too much for me – the humiliation and not knowing if I was being manipulated into thinking that it was all my fault.

    January 22, 2018 at 3:32 am #187983
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nees:

    It is easy for me to see that it was wrong of him to yell at you, whether it is in public or in private, for one. If that pushing to bed you mentioned was an aggressive pushing (not a gentle, playful one, not in anger), then it was wrong too.

    On the other hand, it was wrong of you to have the TV volume so loud that it distressed him, and then to not turn it down, or to keep having the volume up. It was wrong of you to go into his room with cereal/ food when he already expressed that it distressed him. These behaviors on your part are “small issues” to you, but not to him. When you disrespect his feelings, ignoring his distress, mistreat him in these ways, it is wrong of you.

    Saying these three words: “I am sorry” and then repeating the behaviors you apologized for cannot possibly work. Three words don’t neutralize in themselves hurtful behavior.

    You wrote that you feel humiliated and manipulated. You feel these but from my reading of your sharing at this point, I don’t see his behavior as manipulative, and other than the yelling (and pushing perhaps, I am not sure about the circumstance of that), I don’t see his behavior as humiliating.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    January 22, 2018 at 4:09 am #187989
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Nees,

    I don’t think you are stupid for wanting him back, because you developed feelings for him before all this happened, however, I don’t think it is a good idea to actually get back with him. He seems very unstable, emotional abusive, disrespectful of your feelings. Like you said, you have done all the investing and apologizing and he has not done his part, no apolgy, where one was due. What he did should not be tolerated. It’s like kicking a dead horse. If you were to continue a relationship with him..would he change? Get therapy? Apologize? Probably not, and in the end you will end up frustrated and miserable. I think you are missing the man you met, instead of the man he became, and the future you wanted with him. He is not looking for that. You want a loving, stable, supportive man in your life, a best friend and life partner and he can not provide that. I hope you find the love you deserve. x

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