Hi, I’m 22 and I’m from India. The first lowest phase in my life was when I was 16 and had my first break up with my boyfriend of 9 months. The anxiety of what lead up to the break up and then after that was unbearable for the 16 yo me. I cried for days, kept trying to communicate with him, thinking his presence would make it easy for me. I had the most important school exams coming up that time. But I put myself together and gave the exams.  I gave myself an year. I was about to transition from school to college. I knew this was my chance to get over this experience fully. And I did. Over an year of staying single made me strong, I valued my new friends a lot. I came across another guy in college. He was a senior. I thought he was cute. He thought that way about me too. I told him I didn’t want anything serious but nothing too casual also. So the 18 yo me went into that ‘casual’ relationship with him so my friends won’t question the validity of what I was doing. We obviously grew very close over the next year and a half and it turned into something much more serious. But he was emotionally abusive to himself because of some body image issues and thus, to me. He would fight with me stop talking with me, force me to break up with him when he really needed to have someone around. This went on for long and it was almost time for him to leave the city for his MBA. We decided to stay together and go into a long distance. But within 3-4 months of him leaving, I felt like the distance had taken its toll and things appeared much more clear to me. I had been emotionally abused and at the mercy of his mood swings for way too long now and it was time for me to choose myself. Meanwhile, I had been getting really close to a guy best friend I had. I guess I had a feeling he liked me too. Maybe even my now ex did because he mentioned it to me once. After the break up, my ex was really sad and would keep trying to talk to me for the next 2 years. Few days after we broke up, he came down back home. I met him. He tried to kiss me but I knew I couldn’t. I would just be leading him on. He went back home really angry. He would call me 30 times in a row at times, and shout at me for what I did. Around 2 months later, I met a guy at a bar. We hit it off. It was Christmas. By New Years we were a thing.  I gave up on the friend and fully immersed myself into this new guy I had just met and instantly decided to be in a committed relationship with. That one year was nothing short of beautiful. I had my first taste of what I would call an adult relationship where both of us were earning professionals trying to make it big in our careers and our lives while looking out for each other. We loved each other. 7 months into the relationship I found out he was going through anxiety and depression and was seeing a therapist. He would never talk to me about it though because his male ego got in the way. We broke up within an year. Sometimes, I feel like my personality was too strong and outgoing for him to take. He could do with a more quiet, submissive girl. He was going to move to Canada and he absolutely refused to be in a long distance. This was another reason for our break up apparently. I was very upset but after having gone through these breaks ups so many times, this one wasn’t as hard to get over. I still kept trying to communicate with him though. Until he had to block me from everywhere.

After all these experiences, I was pretty sure I didn’t wanna be in a relationship. I just hung out with guys at the bar and used online dating apps for a whole year after this. And I have met a ton of guys. I would never really hang out with the same guys for too long though. I’d give it 2-3 dates and then stop. In between there were definitely guys who’d fall for me too hard and some that I’d keep wanting to see longer than they did. But it was nothing serious, so it was all manageable. I started seeing a guy though who was again going through some mental health issues. I got really close with him and he wanted to be in a relationship with me but I wasn’t ready to be exclusive and commit. Moreover, he wasn’t over his ex. I messed up and he stopped talking to me. Recently, he came back saying how it wasn’t my fault and he wanted me back cuz he was ‘lonely’ and he won’t take it seriously this time around. I had stopped using online dating apps after this experience as it was a bit of an emotionally traumatic experience for me but I went back into it after a month or so. I started talking to this guy. I really liked him. He never asked for my number or to meet for at least 3-4 weeks and that’s what I liked. Because I myself wasn’t ever in a rush to meet guys. The night I finally met him was a drunk texting situation where he picked me up from a bar and dropped me back home. We really liked each other though and met frequently over the next 3 months. I travel a lot for work and he’d make it a point to see me before I left for anywhere. Things were going good but he wasn’t ready for a relationship and neither am I. So I kept seeing guys when I travelled. Meanwhile, my best friend from the past had decided to get into a FWB situation with me to which I had refused. I had asked him for a relationship instead for which he wasn’t ready. Arguments keep happening on that side. But with the new guy I had been seeing things went down. I was always honest with him about other guys I’d meet while travelling and he seemed to Be okay with it. He is kind of an introvert about his feelings and would usually meet me post work super tired. So he wouldn’t talk much. But the second time I told him I met somebody I feel like he really took a step back. He just stopped texting me entirely. No social media interaction, nothing. I asked him to meet me before I left for a trip this time around and after coming back too. This time he was the one to tell me about some other girls who showed interest. But he also told me how he wasn’t interested because he had me. That was New Years. Few days later we met again. It was really good between us that day. Every time I’m with him, things are brilliant. But then we would just not talk and things would go down. I have tried to talk to him about clarity on this situation in the past also and he has been very receptive. He always tells me the things he likes about me and has introduced me to his friends and mom also. He has met my parents once too. Not as partners but friends. But this time around he hasn’t asked me to meet him in the last 2 weeks and said no every time I have asked him to. I was really upset and tried to talk about this situation with him over call. He flaked on me for 4 days before finally calling me the night before his birthday. He was really good to me over call. He has been a great friend. He told me he did wanna continue seeing me but wasn’t ready for a relationship and that if that’s what I wanted, I deserved better. He is meanwhile active on online dating sites.

The thing is I realise I don’t like him so much that way anyway. My situation with my best friend stays bad meanwhile. There are 2-3 other guys I spoke to but the quality of my life is at such a point rn, that I have managed to shun everyone away. What’s bothering me is my inability to let go of feelings, people, thoughts when they’re begging to be let gone of.  My inclination to developing attachments is also bothering me. I am Basing my happiness on these short term pleasures. I want to be alone now for a while and develop my ability to say no to these pleasures that I keep seeking. I want to build integrity and the ability to be true to myself. I want to raise my quality of life. How do I do it? Sometimes I feel like the more I think about these things, there’s so much negativity that I unearth that exists within me and my mind, that I couldn’t bear to live with these thoughts anymore.