Hello.

For the past 4 years, I have been in a long term relationship with a man who lives in Amsterdam. I live in the US. We make it work by traveling back and forth every few months until my son finishes HS in 2020. I have an EU passport and I was going to move there once my son starts college.

Anyway, I feel like he feels he is never wrong and when I try to confront him about saying something hurtful, he shuts down. He accuses me of insulting him. However, it is open season on me and again when I tell him it hurts, he shuts down. He shuts down until I apologize. I will always make apologies when I am wrong, however, I feel like I am apologizing to him even when he is wrong just to get him to talk.  The issue is merely swept under the rug and never solved.

So, the other day, he made a comment that was offensive to me. I told him that it was a hurtful comment and I proceeded to explain why. So, he stops talking to me and I went into panic mode and tried to get him to talk. I did get heated out of frustration of feeling ignored. So I told him I thought he had intimacy issues and I feel like he only cares for his own feelings and nobody else’s. I also said I felt emotionally abused.

I woke up to messages of him accusing me of threatening physical violence. He said he doesn’t enable abusers and he takes abusers’ threat of physical violence at their word. He said this was the second instance of me threatening him with physical violence. My jaw dropped open. I have never, ever threatened him or anyone else with physical violence. I swear on my son’s life, I have never threatened this man with physical violence!  My mother was both emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child. He knows this. I am very violence avoidant.

Even though I know I didn’t threaten him, I scrolled up to double check. There is nothing that can even be construed as physical violence. So, since he made the assertion, I told him the onus was on him to show me both instances of these threats. He has read the messages, but hasn’t responded.

I feel like this is the final blow. Like I said, I am very sensitive about physical abuse due to my mother. I have been nauseous since this happened. I need to get out of this relationship. I feel like a frog being boiled alive slowly.

When we first met, he was so lovely and got along so well. I think I have stayed so long, because I keep hoping we can get back there again. Every now and again, he is that person and I think we are back on track, but to make such false and egregious accusations about me is the final straw.

How to let go of a fake person and how do I let go of this feeling anger about being accused of being physically abusive. I have never been in such a relationship before.

Thank you. <3