Hey Luna

I have read over your story a few times. I understand your confusion during this trying time and hope you can maybe find some peace with some things i share with you. I have seen a very similar scenario play out with a pair of friends of mine lets call them Bob and Jane.

Now in the end Bob has done the exact same thing that your previous boyfriend has done and Bob is a extremely close friend of mine however iam a long time friend of Jane before I’ve even met Bob. But the the things Bob has shared with me i will share with you much of which Jane won’t hear because its how he felt and he chose to be silent to her much as what your boyfriend has done to you. In my experiances dealing with Bob please do understand the dynamics of this relationship may be entirely different then the ones you have experienced so also keep that in mind. Bob would explain to me that he cared a lot about Jane initially then they lost the light they once had and had a sour breakup and tried it again but to no avail ended again. However on the third time they were weeks away from buying a house together when Bob got cold feet and ended the relationship for the third time. Jane had never ended the relationship once all the doings where Bobs. Bob explained to me when he would do this it was during a time of overwhelming anxiety caused by the relationship even if you don’t see it, it can lie below the surface. The way Bob and your boyfriend chose to end things from what I’ve seen is minimal self impact way to go about things for themselves by ex-communicating you they are putting themselves in the driver seat being the one who chooses to answer messages or sends messages leaving little room to be hurt or vulnerable which unfortunately leaves you with the short stick.

This situation sucks lets get that out of the way right now there is no easy way to say it. But do know everything has a silver lining the boyfriend you had i feel never was “faking” loving you that could be as real as the sky is blue but do know that fundamental ability to deal with hard emotions like doubt or uncertainty had caused him to make immature and unfair emotional decisions (i have at times done the same we are after all human). But if you can understand the constant breaking up and getting back together may be his attempt also at not wanting to be alone and running back to something familiar emotionally. He knows exactly what he’s in for going back to the relationship instead of the bleak emptiness and loneliness that comes with a break-up, but unfortunately thats not fair to you. And while i don’t know you, i do know this: You deserve to be with someone who has both feet in the water, not one in one out. You also deserve to be talked to about issues in your relationship not for someone to shut you out when times get tough. You deserve respect and its not what you getting with this relationship in my opinion.

Your youth is among you and you will have many relationships and friendships its time for you to explore unless you whole heartedly love this person and want to work things out then i would suggest having serious talks and reading books to help overcome situations like this. However like if it is as said you were together for one year. Time will come and go, pain heals and loneliness is replaced but losing time to people who do not value yours is something i learned and should never be compromised with a brief feeling of a happiness for years spent in uncertainty. You will remember he has done this hurt to you and as much as you want to forgive and forget you will always have doubts and lack of his trust regarding commitment. It is not a pretty road to go down, be careful of your path and know your worth. You seem like the person your looking for is there but maybe not with the person.

All the best,

Mike

Luna I can empathize with you. To answer your questions, I don’t feel he was pretending, at least until the 1^st break up. Has he been immature about  it as you asked? Well, his actions sure show that YES he has.

What’s happening here is just so very common. Once the “in-love” or “limerence” phase in a relationship ends (usually a year plus or minus or so) the transition to what is known as a deeper love then has to take place. LOTS of people don’t know how to transition from “in-love to” to a “deeper love”.

Usually the person that is committed most and understand what a deeper love looks like is the one that can transition the best at this crucial time of a relationship. Also, this person understands “butterflies” don’t last forever.

Then there’s the person who thinks “butterflies” has to be present at all times during of a relationship. And when the butterflies leave – so do they – discarding their past love interest like a used washing machine. He appears to be chasing this shallow type love. Some out grow this and many do not. You are both young and still learning through experience. Hugs.

* didn’t get submitted correctly…

Luna, Anita’s third paragraph explains the “deeper love” that I was referring to in my post very well. That is what deeper love is all about… it’s about giving, first.

Your bf made the relationship about him, that is the only perspective that he saw. I can tell that you truly loved him and valued him enough to see things from his perspective throughout the relationship. Just remember, the worthy person in your future will also see it that way. And when people show us who they truly are – believe it!

Hopefully third time is a charm, let’s try again…

Anita’s third paragraph explains the “deeper love” that I was referring to in my post very well. That is what deeper love is all about… it’s about giving, first.

Your bf made the relationship about him, that is the only perspective that he saw. I can tell that you truly loved him because you valued him enough to see things from his perspective throughout the relationship.

Just remember, the worthy person in your future will also see it your way. And when people show us who they truly are – believe them the first time!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Rob.

You are very welcome, Luna. Post anytime you need to.

anita