You seem to feel very hard on yourself for the snooping. But with the mysterious phone calls and what you did find on the emails, it seems that the answers may be there. Maybe it is too painful to see. His getting so upset ( only when you mentioned what you saw on the emails) means he is hiding something?. He then blames you for his hiding, because you would be so upset. He seems to blame you for this and then conveniently is “done” with the relatioship?.  Have you tried to determine who is calling, such as their name and what details they may have said about this, and you could search for the truth. What motivation do you think a woman would take the time to harass you with calls, if she had no relationship with him?  What purpose would it serve if untrue?

For you to say that you are 100% responsible for your actions, yes, that is true. But to call yourself the “bad one”, hmm….a little too harsh on yourself.  I applaud you bravely fighting back the re-occurring cancer and you are brave and strong! Listen to your gut, as it may be telling you something, that you dont want to face about him.

I see you want to tell him face to face you are sorry. Do you think he will forgive and forget? Or make this a convenient excuse to quit the relationship, and still come out looking good socially, as a person who didn’t abandon you in your time of stress and need for emotional support and love in this hard time you are facing?

Is the only accomplishment of going there Friday going to be to say you are sorry? What do you think will happen? What do you want to happen?

The old saying “Where there is smoke, there is fire” may apply here. Hoping he allows you to see him in person to settle your mind and guilt with this.  You are a strong person and the universe wants you be strong and happy, for maybe there is something  (someone) better around the corner….

Dear Coco:

I hope you heal from your cancer. I hope so. If it helps you, do post about your thoughts and feelings regarding your illness and its development, over time.

You mentioned the word truth several times. You want to know the truth. Like you wrote twice, he didn’t express being upset when you first told him that you opened his account. Only after you told him that you discovered that he got together with his ex wife, did he express being upset.

Could be a delayed reaction on his part, but reads to me that he did what a lot of people do when they feel attacked: counter attack. Instead of taking responsibility or his wrongdoing, he blames you for a wrongdoing, focusing on the latter so that the focus is no longer on what he did wrong.

The way his strategy works is that you will feel guilty, you apologize to him, you make it up to him.. and so, he wins.

Such winning is more important to many people than the truth. If winning is more important to him than the truth, you will not be getting from him what is so important to you: the truth.

anita

Dear Coco:

You are welcome, and I am glad you posted again.

I am sure you are lovable and can be loved by a good man, changed voice or not. I suppose if my voice changed, I would adjust the volume when speaking… or speak slower, depending on the nature of the change, so that I can be understood or not overly abrasive to others’ ears.

It is good you have a humorous friend. By the time you read this, you probably had the talk with him? I hope you share about it.

anita