I’m not sure what a scripted relationship is.  For me, it’s been always clear if I want to be with someone long-term or not. I also don’t expect him having to do fancy things for me either. Right now, if I text him something, he will answer right away until he stumbles on a question from me that he doesn’t want to answer. I feel like the culprit for our breaking-up is the miscommunication. But I’m not sure how to fix it, how much his feelings for me now and if we could work it out. He travels for business a lot lately, like nonstop, and he also mentioned that it was a very lonely path.

Is it possible that I (we) work it out and mend our relationship?

I have met him for a closure, which he agreed. He said he wanted a break to think about our future goals, but not intended to break up with me. Since I sent that breakup letter, it was official and he didn’t want to do an on-off relationship, especially for his age. Also, he told me we were at different stages in life. He doesn’t know if he wants a life partner, marriage and more children. If he wants to get married, it’ll be in a year of knowing each other. To him, he wants to spend his time for relaxing and traveling, while I’m still pursuing my career goals and won’t be ready to get married in at least 2 years (I think it’s a minimum amount of getting to know each other before marriage). He didn’t think we would have a future together, and he wanted a more experienced person as there was something he could not talk to me about. He said he could do friend with benefits with me, which I refused. Then he said he could only compromised to date me, while we also needed to date others. It won’t be like when we were together, with sleepover and meet every week. I also rejected this option, as it was painful to see him dating others while my feeling still linger on. He also mentioned my career was not stable yet. Well, I make a relatively good salary compared to other in my age range. Of course, it’s no where compared to him, but I can live comfortably by my own with my current salary. He told me if we started again, it would be at least 6 months, contact him then if I still want to be with him. I asked him what about 3 months. He said if only I have dated enough to know what and who I want.

I’m confused as I want to believe his intention is good. Maybe after enough time has passed, I may realize we aren’t meant for each other. But right now, I’m just heart broken and the breakup repeats over and over in my mind. I don’t know why I’m willing to compromise the fact that he has children and I will never be a top priority, but he cannot compromise my relationship experiences. I have a hard time to swallow the fact that there’d be no chance to start again. Even though I know it’s unhealthy for me to keep false hope.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Alan.
• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Alan.

He told me for example, parenting (but it doesn’t make sense, as he started hang out with a woman that was not even a parent), and relationship goals. Actually, I think the relationship goals talk is the one causing all the doubts. We had this talk right before he went on vacation, which made him rethink about of relationship and wanted a break. In the talk, I was sort of crying when he mentioned he “might not” want more children at this age (although it might depend on the women he’s with, but more children is not in his need) and couldn’t imagine living at one place forever. He has a future goal of a comfortable living in an Asian country when he retires early.  He said it was just a discussion but it seemed like I didn’t handle well.  He said I might not even know what I wanted, as all the future goals I mentioned was higher education, opening new businesses and advancing my career. He asked among those goals, when I would have time for a family life and future kid. I admit I’m a very driven and ambitious person. It’s not only about getting rich and providing my parents (as immigrants) a better life, but I also want to be a part of innovative future and see how far and high my ability can be expanded. But at heart, I’m still a traditional woman, I value a family life which partners support each other. He told me to date others in this time, to know what kind of man I really want, like a man with stability but older like him who’s already had a past life, or a younger man who is also building a career or someone else. I don’t see my future goals and his are totally opposite to each other. In a relationship, there’ll always be a compromise of some sort, won’t there?

Happy holidays Anita and everyone,

I and my ex are still in contact. He recently wished me a holiday and stated that he missed me, asked me about my dating life and was jealous when I said I started dating others.  About him, he’s currently not dating anyone, although I don’t know how long it will be that way. I started warming up and responding to him, in which he asked me to a coffee meetup but later postponed. I think he sensed my expectation so he became cold again. It frustrates me so much. He told me I should have my own independent feelings about him and us regardless of how he feels, and that I see things in black and white while he wants space to develop gradually. He also mentioned the reason he wanted a break because he felt guilty that he went off on adventures and traveling without me. He didn’t think we would break up but rather each enriches our lives with more experiences and be a stronger couple.

He’s a very intelligent man, which makes his rational side overpowers his emotional side a lot of time (like you said). The things he said somehow even confused smart people with more life experiences than me, as I have consulted with others. It’s not entirely about our life goals, but more of experiences to communicate feelings well to each other. I actually don’t want to let things between us go, but sometimes I’m getting tired of uncertainty. I think he has prejudges about people in my age and combining it with his rational thought that large-age-difference couple won’t work to shadow any feelings he has. He requires maturity level as of 40s, but maturity also comes with acceptance, accept life the way it is, while 20s is the time of trials and errors and taking risks. For me, I did tell him about my future plans with all the businesses I want to open, further education and advance my career. But I didn’t clearly describe him conditions and priorities of each plan, which made him feel like I want to do all and it’s really risky, time-consuming and show that I’m not stable in life enough. If I just stick with one job, it’s not me anymore. Maturity also refers to emotions. I guess that’s why I see things black and white and don’t accept any grey areas. I just don’t understand why expectation is necessarily a bad thing.  I do know we’re both strong-headed even though we want to make it work. Which areas do you think we should improve in order to make it work?

Dear Anita,

After canceling the coffee meetup, he contacted me to ask for a different time to see each other. There was some personal stuff came up on his side on this new scheduled day but he tried to make it work this time. It was a date (dinning out at a fancy restaurant and having conversation at a bar) and for a moment, I feel like he put efforts in making it work again. Since our past relationship started out as friend with benefits and he was my first sex-wise, he doubted that I didn’t like him for who he is and sex clouded my judgement. He thought I needed more dating experiences in order to know whom I want to be with. We sort of falling back to texting each other every day and we hung out again a couple days later. But this time, when I expressed about getting back together, he told me he didn’t want to have a relationship, he didn’t see the value of having a relationship and why don’t I just enjoy the time we have together. He said things could not came back like in the past and our huge age difference created a difference in maturity that he saw no point in trying it make it work, and he’s too old for this. He felt being contained when we were in a relationship. He said I still needed a lot of grown on my own and he got tired of hearing me asking about it all the time we hung out together. At least 6 months he said before a relationship can be recovered. During this time, if I want to continue dating him casually or not is my choice, but he himself prefers to continue dating without the pressure of a relationship. I’m just afraid if I choose this, I cannot get over my jealousy when he starts dating new people. After that last time hanging out, our texts got lessen.

In my retrospection,  I realized I had tendency to depend on my boyfriend for my source of happiness when we were in a relationship and I need to work on it. I, however, don’t agree that having a lot of dating experiences is worthwhile, life experiences yes, but not dating experiences. In rational thought, I know it’s better to keep a distance away from him as it just affects so much on my emotional side, but still, it’s a really hard thing for me to do. I think I need to find a way to enjoy my life by myself first so that my emotion (coupled with anxiety) will stay in check.