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Self-destructive behaviour has ruined my relationship with the one I love

Homeā†’Forumsā†’Relationshipsā†’Self-destructive behaviour has ruined my relationship with the one I love

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  • November 29, 2017 at 10:15 am #179949
    Anonymous
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    Dear Bud:

    You wrote that “forĀ  someĀ  reason that I truly can’t explain” you mess up again and again. I understand that you do not know the reason but there is a reason. InĀ  quality psychotherapy you can find out the reason, or reasons.

    Yes, itĀ  is my experience that itĀ  is possible for a person to exit such “self-destructive behavior”- but itĀ  takes time and work. FindĀ  out the reason/s (insight) and learn to tolerate distress, so that when you feel distress you don’t resort to habit, to automatic behavior, the quick and familiar ways of reducing that distress.

    ItĀ  takes time,Ā  inĀ  quality psychotherapy, to do these two things: insight into the reason, which isĀ  most likely in your childhood experience, and learning and practicing the skills to endure distressĀ  without reactingĀ  to it automatically.

    Reads to meĀ  that you areĀ  inĀ  no position to resumeĀ  this relationship, no matter how stronglyĀ  you feel, no matter how ashamedĀ  or guilty you feel. I hope she agrees and able to stay away from you as a boyfriend, at the least, until and if you heal.

    Healing enough is what will make you trustworthy. Through enough healing you will be ableĀ  to trust yourself and to be worthy of her trust.

    anita

    November 29, 2017 at 10:22 am #179953
    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi Bud,

    It sounds like you are really suffering at the moment which is sad to hear.

    My advice would be to be gentle on yourself, cutting yourself down because of things you’ve done in the past, won’t change the past, but will just make it harder for you to see a brighter future.

    self love is key to moving forward. I find listening to videos by Jason Gallant, Louise Hay or Michael Singer to be really good for this as they switch your mind off from your thoughts to focusing on another point of view. Also websites like talkspace can help for emotional support as you can write all your thoughts out and get help on them. Perhaps you should enroll on a AA program as it sounds like you have issues with drinking as this may provide the social and emotional support you need to change eg having a ‘buddy’ to call when you feel low, instead of chatting to girls. You are worthy and good enough as a human being, without the attention of random girls- you just need to believe that fully yourself.

     

    we all make mistakes and are all human beings, and that’s okay. It’s just about learning from our mistakes and moving forward.

    if you find yourself sat there crying (as I’ve done many times in the past) perhaps try and do something, even if it’s just listen to a meditation, have a shower, go outside, make some food, clean a small space of your house, make a cup of tea etc. If you feel apathy/numbness/sadness try and sit with it, but if you cant, try and do something constructive for you, and sometimes your feeling changes slightly whilst you are in the midst of that action.

     

    about your relationship, only you and her know that, but i would say that if she has stuck by you for 10 years then she may do now, but the chances will be increased if she sees you making an effort to make positive changes for yourself. You need to see a future that is bright for you and wholly believe you can get there and it can be achieved, otherwise the short term pleasures\temptations are too strong.

    one last thing, when we feel low we always believe that the feeling will last forever, that it won’t end and that life will always be bad, whilst when we have a good feeling we are quick to think this will end soon etc, when in reality both the good and the bad experiences pass- so although it may not feel like it, things WILL get better, if you look to make them so.

    sending you good wishes.

    November 29, 2017 at 10:29 am #179955
    nextsteps
    Participant

    And i agree with Anita, there is a reason why you drink, but it’s hard to see for yourself as you are too close, that’s why therapy can help as they see things from a different and independent viewpoint.

    perhaps when you get an urge to do something self destructive, something your gut feeling knows is wrong, then maybe just pause and think why? What has caused you to feel that way? What are you trying to achieve by that action? Is it lonliness? Fear? Anger? Hurt? Shame?

     

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