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Learning to love myself for first time..!!

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  • November 19, 2017 at 3:33 pm #178679
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear All,

    It’s great pleasure to be part of this forum. I came here to share my story, provide inspiration and also get inspiration from others.

    Basically one thing that I am working on currently is “self love”, “self acceptance”, “self esteem”. I have come to realization belatedly that I have never loved myself truly or deeply. I was making some notes the other day and realized that I expect too much from myself and in the process can be very harsh with my own self. Further I noticed that there is need to be perfect somewhere within me. To some degree or other I have these aspects in me which has made my life bit of living hell for myself. I have suffered from cancer in the past from which I have recovered physically but it has left many wounds mentally and emotionally. But as I am coming to realization about some of my personal traits like too much expectations from myself, need to be perfect,  being harsh to myself, not feeling confident enough, feeling guilty, need to punish etc. I am engaging in meditation and some exercise to help myself. I must confess that my schooling has been not good and it’s from there itself where I believe I picked up negative self image and self hatred about myself. So you see I do suffer from issues like lack of self confidence, lack of self esteem, lack of self acceptance, lack of self love etc. These issues makes my recovery difficult as deep down somewhere I believe that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I need to punish myself etc.

    I suggest anyone in same situation to listen to Louise Hay. There is lot of stuff on YouTube from her. I am listening to that every day. I also try not to criticize myself anymore.

    Engaging in self love and self acceptance after not having loved for so many years can be difficult at first I believe. But what I am doing is giving it a go so I can have enough chance of recovering and living a happier life.

    Can someone who has gone down this path let me know if this is good? What else have you done to be happier? How did you overcome entrenched self hatred?

    Please please please share your ideas, thoughts, tips, tricks etc.

    Just trying to bring some better balance in my life as my emotions are not in great shape.

     

    Cheers,

    November 19, 2017 at 9:50 pm #178689
    Defined Sight
    Participant

    Thank you so much for sharing the message of self love. It is exactly what I needed to be reminded of and see today. I think what has helped me most with self love, is living a faith filled life. Believing in a power bigger than me is humbling, yet empowering. The self love happened naturally after that. Wishing you will find it too!

    November 20, 2017 at 3:11 am #178701
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gaurav:

    Glad you posted here.

    You wrote: “I need to punish myself… How did you overcome entrenched self hatred?”

    When you need to punish yourself, hating yourself, that means you are angry at yourself, believing you deserve pain, that you are a bad person, isn’t it so?

    No matter what you practice to love yourself, the belief, the Core Belief, that you are a bad person will remind you its there in moments of imperfection… and there will continue to be many of those.

    Confront the Core Belief, go back to the time when it was formed. Challenge it. Best done in quality psychotherapy.

    If you would like, you can share here anything you think may have brought this core belief about.

    anita

    November 20, 2017 at 3:57 pm #178805
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You wrote “When you need to punish yourself, hating yourself, that means you are angry at yourself, believing you deserve pain, that you are a bad person, isn’t it so?”

    Yes I agree to some extend I do believe that I need to punish myself. My sub conscious mind has endured lot of trauma as I believed that I caused cancer to myself. I don’t smoke cigarette and live pretty health lifestyle but still cancer was caused. And somewhere deep down there I believe that I caused this still. Hence there is this guilt, need to punish type feeling that is hampering my progress.

    Please help me to challenge these stupid beliefs so I can change myself and become more loving and kind person towards my ownself. I always believed that “self love”, “being kind to own-self” etc. is bit of feminist type thing and for soft people.

    But considering mental trauma that I have gone through and considering my mental health I believe it’s time to embrace these concepts. I don’t know how it will happen but I am trying. Please let me know your thoughts on this. Feel free to let me know your ideas as I am really glad to discuss.

    November 20, 2017 at 4:02 pm #178811
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Thanks Defined Sight. You said “Believing in a power bigger than me is humbling, yet empowering.”

    You see though I am religious person who believes in god to some extend, I never really accepted that there is something bigger than me who is looking after me. My mind somehow just refuses to believe that someone is there who is looking after me and I am being cared for. I am trying to think other way around and starting to believe that there is something out there who wants me to succeed and wants to care for me.

    November 21, 2017 at 4:31 am #178887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gaurav:

    I think that practicing kindness toward yourself is a very good thing, and do practice it regardless of the  more time consuming work of examining your core beliefs. Notice your thoughts: when you think of yourself harshly, change your thinking to kindness. Think of yourself as a little girl who has been mistreated. Every time you catch yourself  mistreating her in the way you talk to her (self talk), correct what you say to her. Be  very patient with her, and gentle.

    Regarding your core beliefs of being  a bad or faulty  person who caused your  own cancer, can you elaborate on how you tell yourself that you caused  the  cancer you had (at what age?)

    Are there other bad things you caused before it and after?

    anita

    November 21, 2017 at 10:19 am #178945
    Defined Sight
    Participant

    Your comment about “I caused this cancer” also made me reflect on my past 2 yrs of miscarriages. One can not completely get over the feeling of guilt that, “it’s something that I did wrong that caused this.” One of the ways that I learned to cope was to educate myself on this subject. I read lots of blogs, YouTube documentaries of other women miscarrying and also visited with many women who experienced multiple miscarriages. The phrase that was actually the best for me to hear was, “it’s ok to miscarry” in your situation, it may be, “it’s ok to get cancer.” It’s hard to say this statement! Because we want to be angry and yell, “no it’s not ok!” But, somehow, I eventually started believing the words, accepting them, and myself. I stopped being the victim. “It’s ok to have bad things happen, here’s my strategic plan of how I am going to cope and fix it to the best of my ability” I do believe that people are put in place in our lives. Like the old saying, “for a reason, a season, and a lifetime.” The people that I kept meeting and visiting with I believe now were put there for that reason. To help me cope and understand. I didn’t realize it at the time when it was happening, but I do believe a power bigger than me did that!!! Reflect back on your past for those type of people that may have helped too

     

    November 21, 2017 at 7:18 pm #179033
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Defined Sight. As you can imagine this is first time in my life I am starting to look after myself mentally closely.

    Anita you wrote “can you elaborate on how you tell yourself that you caused  the  cancer you had (at what age?)”

    I have to say few things here which are bit personal. However, here it goes. I suffered from testicular cancer when I was 25. I didn’t have any social or family support when this happened as I was away from them for my studies. When this happened I was obviously under lot of stress, trauma, grief, guilt etc. Somehow and somewhere my mind believes that this was caused by me due to my masturbation habits. I can message you personally more. I would appreciate your help really. Now already having low self esteem, low self confidence, expecting too much from myself etc. didn’t help in such situation. I started believing that I am guilty and needs to be punished. This caused me anxiety and depression issues which I am still going through. It was very difficult for me to let it go as I kept thinking about it day and night.

    November 21, 2017 at 9:22 pm #179049
    Defined Sight
    Participant

    I think you are on the right path of not suffering in silence. That’s an important step. I’m not a medical professional – but I would assume there’s all conflicting reports out there of what does/doesn’t cause cancer cells to flare up. We all have cancer cells. That I believe. And we just don’t know when they’ll become active. I would think a male, or even female pastor would be a great subject matter expert who could help get you through this as well!

    November 22, 2017 at 4:35 am #179097
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  howtoloveme:

    I couldn’t find online any evidence whatsoever that masturbation can cause or increase the chances of testicular cancer. I read a few male teenagers concerned  about this, but no professional input on the matter. I read  positive health consequences of male masturbation, no negatives. (I suppose one can bruise oneself that way, or maybe cause urinary infection, perhaps, if using  a dirty hand).

    You can schedule a medical appointment with a medical doctor, a specialist, a urologist perhaps, and get as definite an input as  you can about whether there is any evidence to what concerns you so. You can tell that medical doctor all the details of your masturbation history. (You wrote that you can message personally with more details, but I am not a medical doctor, for one, and I will feel uncomfortable, here or elsewhere with such details).

    People focus on the sexual as  proof of their … badness. It is a common focus. But the belief in one’s badness is often formed earlier and irrelevant to sexual practices. Would you  like to elaborate on why your family was of no support to you when you were sick, at 25, going through such a difficult time?

    anita

    November 22, 2017 at 8:01 pm #179143
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Thank you both again.

    Anita you wrote “Would you  like to elaborate on why your family was of no support to you when you were sick, at 25, going through such a difficult time?”

    Being from conservative culture these things are not discussed openly even with parents sometimes. It has been difficult for me to open up about these things with them. We were geographically very far too. Also all they understand is about depression and not really about how isolated, tormented, anxious and fearful I felt during difficult traumatic times. I guess they did whatever they could do best for me in their best ability. This trauma and negative event has left lasting impression on my mind and my mental health. Having said this I have already seen psychologist and also psychiatrist to overcome these issues. Currently I am on couple of medications under professional guidance. Even I have done some research around testicular cancer and it’s causes and been unable to find any concrete evidence to say that my way of masturbating has caused this. But somehow my brain had just decided to feel guilty, bad, depressed, anxious etc about myself as I can expect too much from myself at times. Perhaps it’s due to not having great self esteem and being harsh on myself etc. from beginning due to my difficult schooling. As I had mentioned before somewhere down there I believed that self love and being gentle with own-self is for soft people. I have never even smoked and still got cancer was also one of the mental thought pattern during those times. All in all it was very difficult time for me mentally than physically. I still can’t drink coffee as it gives me anxiety. But as I said I am “trying” to look after myself with some kindness and self love. I am just trying and I am not sure where it will lead. Also trying to develop a thought that someone is above me and helping me to get through this. But first step I believe is to be bit more gentle/kind and increase self esteem which I believe has always been low.

    I hope this all makes sense to you. thank you

    November 23, 2017 at 4:49 am #179201
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear howtoloveme:

    This belief that “self love and  being gentle with own-self is for soft people” is a block in your way to love yourself. Here is my input on this belief: strong people are healthy people, physically, mentally healthy. Because all our emotions are natural, we are born to feel hurt, sad, scared, happy, tired, hungry, angry, and  so on, we are  healthy and therefore strong, if we let ourselves feel all those  feelings, and not push down any, not try hard  to not feel any of these.

    It is the pushing  down of  feelings, treating our natural feelings as  if they were  unnatural, as if they were the enemy, that keeps us sick and therefore weak.

    Look at  your own progression as a man trying to.. not be soft. How has it worked for you?

    anita

     

    November 23, 2017 at 3:32 pm #179259
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear Anita as I realise as I am trying to make changes in my thinking and beliefs. I know it will take time but it can be done. I am realising that not being gentle to my own self in difficult times has created more issues for me. But it’s not too late to change things and look at things from different perspective. I am engaging in meditation and I find things from Louise Hay very useful. Sometimes I can’t help myself but feel negative about myself. I am confident that I will be able to change these negative though patterns in coming months. thank you very much..

    November 24, 2017 at 4:55 am #179293
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear howtoloveme:

    It  does  take time, a whole lot of time, and then more. It does take a whole lot  of patience. And being gentle to yourself every day, intentionally, repeatedly, catching yourself when harsh on yourself and changing  to gentle. Again and  again.

    It takes examining those core beliefs, the beliefs formed  in childhood and challenging them, changing them if they are not correct.

    It  is a combination of insight (the examining I mentioned) and practice (first paragraph) over time (did I mention a … a whole  lot of time). Post again anytime.

    anita

    November 30, 2017 at 4:53 pm #180165
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear Anita, starting to realize that I have not listened to my own self but everything else. I mean to say that I haven’t looked after myself very well on emotional level. I have prioritized other things and other people over my own self. But as I am realising things that needs to be changed I am gradually and kindly making changes. I am doing affirmations, practicing self love and trying to be kind to myself. Most importantly I am telling myself that I deserve a better healthy and happy life. This can be overwhelming but I am not in a rush to make sudden change as it’s a gradual and long process.

    Negative experience from the past has caused me to harp myself with constant self hate and and unforgiving thoughts due to extreme guilt. This has disrupted me on emotional level. But this will change as I am looking to change my life. I am realising that the most important thing in my life is my happiness.

    Please help me in loving myself. Please help me so I can learn more kindness towards my ownself.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by howtoloveme.
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