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Feeling Conflicted

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  • November 1, 2017 at 8:20 am #176027
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jo:

    It reads to me that you did the right choice, the healthy choice. Thing is, if it is healthy for you, it is also healthy for him. It works that way.

    The fact that he told you that his ex wives told him worse lies than the one he told you indicate to me that indeed he is far from being prepared to have a heathy relationship. He doesn’t understand that when he lied to you, betraying your trust in him, you were hurt. You didn’t and couldn’t have reacted to his lie thinking something like this: .. before I get hurt, let me think if people tell lies worse than his and figure out if I should get hurt, and if I should feel hurt, then let me adjust the extent of my hurt to the degree of his lie compared to a hundred lies told by …

    No, we get hurt when betrayed.

    As to helping him in his pain- I don’t think there is anything you can do. If he was experiencing hunger pain you could offer him food. But emotional pain of his kind, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Only endure your pain of not being able to help.

    anita

    November 1, 2017 at 11:28 am #176073
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Jo,

    If he is constantly lying that is one thing, but if it one lie (I think as humans, sometimes it is nature to tell a white lie now and then, as long as it is not hurtful to the other person, or done repeatedly). In this case, he apologized, and felt very regretful. I think he wants to change, and he cares for you very much. It could be an issue of mistrust given to him in previous relationships.

    You had mentioned seeking therapy. I would do a wait and see approach. Especially, if in other aspects he is treating you well. Lying is something that can be resolved and worked on with quality Psychotherapy. I would take a step back from the relationship for awhile until he gets his issues with distrust, etc resolved. If the lying contines, I would re-evaluate the relationship..as when trust is broken, it is almost impossible to get back. Keep us posted with your thoughts. x

    November 1, 2017 at 2:04 pm #176111
    Jo
    Participant

    The lying wasn’t the sole issue, just the one that made me feel I had to step away. I have always been clear throughout our relationship that I want honesty above all else. He had a tendency to deal with his emotions in an unhealthy manner; giving me the silent treatment, refusing to acknowledge the issue, etc.

    I guess I’m probably struggling so much because I don’t want to just give up. I’ve already set up an appointment for a therapist for myself, and I guess whether he follows suit is up to him.

    November 2, 2017 at 5:21 am #176189
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jo:

    I hope that in quality therapy you do work on your issues, as healing is possible for you, however difficult.

    Regarding his healing- it may be better for him to not be in a relationship with you, depending on how you interact with him. For example, you wrote that he gives you silent treatments, but if you talk and talk to him, on and on, giving him no break, then it is understandable that he will withdraw.

    You wrote that he lied to you, but if you asked him the same question again and again until when tired, he broke and had to stop your asking by lying, that is understandable too.

    anita

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