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October 21, 2017 at 11:23 am #174117
AnonymousGuestDear Elliot8:
First thing to do is stop the panic, de-escalate the fear. You are not in immediate danger. You can take a deep breath. Calm down best you can. Take a brisk walk outside, in the cold, a hot cup of tea. Relax best you can. Reasonable thinking is not possible when under the influence of.. escalating fear.
When calm, consider this: you have made decisions based on what society considers the right choosing- more money. You have to fit your decisions to who you are, to how you operate, not to society’s expectations. You have been bullied earlier in your life, I understand. The distress you experienced then is activated when you deal with work place bullies or rude people at work. The distress you experience is greater than it would have been if you didn’t experience earlier life bullying.
You have to take this into consideration when making decisions, this is what I mean by fitting your decisions to who you are, to how you operate. You need a work place environment where you do not come in contact with rude people. Others may be able to take it, maybe even thrive in it. Not you.
At this point, have some empathy for yourself. You have been trying so hard and for so long, with best intentions. It is time to try… wiser, not harder.
Let me know, if you will, what you think of my reply so far, and I will reply again.
anita
October 21, 2017 at 12:16 pm #174125
Elliot8ParticipantHi,
Thanks for replying. It’s funny because the employer offered me counselling after putting me through all of this and the lady i spoke to said pretty much the same thing. I just do not know what to do. Every choice i make leads me to the wrong place eventually, i seem to bumble through life with a “cursed road-map”.
I know if i stay there is a fair chance that this will break me but i am not sure if just jacking next week will be any better.? I could possibly make a decision that could cost my family everything and i wonder if it is better that i just stick it out for them. But i cannot believe i am going through this, i have tried so hard in my life to work hard and not take advantage of people and look where i am now. Also is it really possible in life not to meet nasty, horrible, selfish people?
Contemplating suicide seems my only option, that or i have an accident and it ends that way.
October 22, 2017 at 5:52 am #174157AnonymousGuestDear Elliot8:
I will be glad to go over the various choices with you. Can you state those choices as #1, #2, #3, then clearly and succinctly state the action each entails, the pros and cons. I need it organized.
Regarding the suicide thinking: it is comforting that there is a way for all this pain to end, isn’t it. No more fear, no more shame, no more sadness, no more struggle. The good news is that this solution to all pain gone is real and will happen as it happens to every human, every animal, every plant, every living thing.
What a relief, knowing that these pains, physical, emotional are not forever. Good thing. Take comfort in death. But don’t rush it. It will happen on its own.
Until then, you can reduce your pain, minimize it, prevent future pain. If you remove the shame from your pain, that will help. If you remove the guilt, that will help. Then all you will be left with is the reality of the moment, the choices, and with rational, clear thinking.
anita
October 22, 2017 at 10:49 am #174207Elliot8ParticipantHi,
Thanks again for replying.
Choice 1: I stick at it, try and just think of the money but hate him and the situation and also not be the husband,father that i could/should be but be able to provide in a relatively stable job (Until the next time they do it to me! Massive trust issues now i am afraid!) It isn’t a physical job but the stress of everything that goes along with it is very hard. Ironically enough i found out Fri that the person making my life so miserable has a job interview mon in a different role so if he gets it maybe that is worth considering as a reason to stay? Bad timing though as i need to know by thurs.
Choice 2: This week i jack and go. Maybe burn a bridge and perhaps that will maybe return to haunt me in the future? Do my induction for my new job fri and return to what i know but for less money, harder physical work but hopefully (?) have less stress and work with nicer people. Again i have trust issues, know what a lot of people in my industry are like and am not sure that i will ever work in a place without nasty, selfish people. Maybe within a new company something different will arise and perhaps i may have a new career within my industry ? I know tough that if i turn them down again then that will be it.
Choice 3: I end my life! sorry, but to me that is a choice. My father in law this afternoon said to me that that Company is not worth your life, marriage or relationship with your kids. It is killing me and when i awake in the dead of night i think this what death must be like? Silent and black.
There you have it.
That is as best as i can summarise the situation.
Thanks again.
October 22, 2017 at 10:53 am #174211Elliot8ParticipantOh,
Option 2 will entail a lot less money and stress fianancelly!
October 22, 2017 at 11:08 am #174215AnonymousGuestDear Elliot8:
You are welcome.
I vote for choice # 2.
If and when you choose #2, it will not be a “happily ever after” life, no doubt. But between #1 and #2, I believe it is the better choice.
If you look for a perfect choice, the one to bring you a happily-ever-after life, none of your three choices will bring that. It is unfortunate, for all of us, that the wishful desire for eternal bliss can not happen. For anyone.
#3 by the way, is not a happily-ever-after existence. It is no existence. I can no longer discuss this option with you beyond my input so far. As long as you consider this option, please do have counseling as soon as possible, check yourself into a hospital, a clinic… call a suicide hotline. I am not qualified to communicate with you or with anyone considering such a final choice.
Back to # 1 and # 2- why I vote for #2:
Your distress at your present job is so acute, so intense, that it is now inseparable from this job. It is an automatic response to the job. It is most important, I believe, that you separate yourself from this job, terminate it as soon as possible, this week.
More physical work in choice #2 is fine. It is the emotional distress that is harming you, not the physical challenge. Less money- fine. You managed before.
Place your shame and guilt aside, please. It is about surviving now. You are okay. Really. And you will be okay. Consider not judging yourself as a Failure. It is not your doing that you were bullied earlier in life. That was not your failure and neither is your automatic distress when encountering rude people at work.
Post again anytime. And again, re-read my input on the choice #3 here on this post I am about to submit.
anita
October 22, 2017 at 12:06 pm #174223Elliot8ParticipantHey,
Thank you for your time and response. I do not mean to offend you by talking about suicide it’s just that at times since May things in my head have almost been unbearable.
I truly think that 2 is the best, but not perfect by a long shot! I just have to be brave now and go to bed tonight knowing that i have to stand up to him and say the words ” i resign with immediate effect”
I have never done that though so it will be hard an i am scared off what the future may bring. For me and more importantly my family.
Thank you anita. You are very kind to respond and have been a moment of clarity and light in a very dark place.
E
October 22, 2017 at 12:36 pm #174225AnonymousGuestDear Elliot8:
You are welcome. You didn’t offend me. As I indicated, I am not qualified, not trained and certified to communicate with people entertaining suicide, and therefore doing so would be irresponsible on my part.
Please feel free to post anytime. I will be glad to reply.
Yes, #2 is not perfect. There is no perfect choice, no perfect life ahead. Of your choices, I believe it is best. This dark place you are in, you experienced “a moment of clarity and light” in it. There are many more of such moments for you to experience.
I suggest that you entertain the concept of curiosity, and the desire to learn what matters most in life. Your life is meaningful, as is, if you adapt the attitude of such curiosity.
I hope to read about your assertion with the person at work, you standing up to him. You can practice saying to him what you intend to say, even say it out loud with the tone of voice and look of confidence.
anita
October 22, 2017 at 1:13 pm #174233Elliot8ParticipantHi,
Yes indeed i will let you know the outcome as soon as…
Thanks again, you are very kind.
E
October 23, 2017 at 12:12 pm #174437AnonymousGuestDear E:
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation. Looking forward to an update/ your next post.
anita
October 25, 2017 at 10:39 am #174819Elliot8ParticipantHi anita,
Well i did it. Informed him today that i was leaving and he went nuts. He refused to shake my hand which was pathetic seeing as how he has treated me!
I am scared, worried and nervous and we will be poorer but i hope to become a better husband and father and maybe a better person.
October 25, 2017 at 11:08 am #174845AnonymousGuestDear E:
Congratulations! Excellent choice and performance! He responded with anger because you did not submit to him, not today!
The road ahead will not be easy. Today will not be easy. But you made the right choice, you did well. Congratulate yourself for having done that: good job!
Yes, this move today does promote you becoming “a better husband and father and … a better person”!
I hope you post again… and again through the difficult time ahead.
anita
October 25, 2017 at 12:56 pm #174883Elliot8ParticipantHi,
I hope that times are not too difficult but i know i am in for some bumps in the road so to speak. Strange thing is that earlier on i was offered another job somewhere else doing tree surgery on the railways with some time working away. It will be more money but if anything has hit home is how much i want to spend time with my family and kids but i will give it some thought.
I hope i made the right choice, it has been a rough 5 months but i will push on. Like you said. Nothing is perfect.
Thank you anita and wherever you post from i hope the sun is shining for you.
October 25, 2017 at 1:14 pm #174887AnonymousGuestDear E:
Thank you. I hope the sun shines on you as well. Here it is foggy but your wishes and the sun are in my smile, right now.
anita
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