Hi Nina,

I’m sorry you are feeling so low and upset. It takes time to trust someone and when they betray that trust it’s horrible.

it reads to me like he still had feelings for his ex and you too and he was basically trying to be two people at once-one with you, and one with his ex. It’s nothing to do with you and all to do with him and unfinished business from his past. I would see it as a lesson that you can love someone so deeply and can trust someone, that’s a gift in itself, but try not to dwell too much on the good times and try instead to think about the relationship rationally. Would your soul mate do this to you? If the answer is no, then see it as two people coming together to learn certain lessons and to try and look forward. Very much easier said than done though.

in terms of a letter, that might be a good idea. I did it just to say my side honestly, but don’t think too much about getting him back, just see it as closeure for you.

the best thing is to hang out with friends, get your nails done, watch a good series, read a new book, get your hair done etc- just little things to boost you up a little as it takes time to get over someone.

Dear Nia N:

On your part, it is unfortunate that there was a combination of a few unfortunate events and some bad planning that resulted in you having no place to live during the summer, leading to you living with him. Living with a man because you have no other place to stay in is not a good situation for a woman, a great disadvantage, and indeed, it proved to be a disadvantage, leaving you “Betrayed, confused, nd broken”. His spending money on you, as on your car repair, and on your mother, on her hip surgery and outings has been a draw to him and also contributed to your current emotional devastation.

His part in all this: he doesn’t know any better than to say whatever needs to be said so to make it comfortable for him at the moment, whatever is convenient. It is not truth and honesty that he values, or that he even pays attention to. It is what is convenient for him that he values, that matters to him.

He explained to you his reasons for lying to you: “because he didn’t want me to worry”, that “he ‘needed to get it out of his system’ and that them sleeping together confirmed that his feelings had changed”, that “it’s hard to cut her off because he is aware of how attatched she is to him and he doesnt want to hurt her”- if it is convenient, he says it.

He told you that “he knew that if he explained the situation to me, I wouldn’t want to be with him” and when you asked him “why he lied, and he says he was afraid I would leave”  – it is very clear right here. If he told you the truth, it would be inconvenient for him: you would leave him, and that was inconvenient for him, not what he wanted at that point.

He promised you “that from that day forward, he’d be honest about everything about her and that he was cutting her off anyway, so I didn’t have to worry about her anymore”- because that was convenient for him, it calmed you and he wanted calm.

Finally, you “scream at him and ask him why he did this, and he said it was none of my business anymore what he does. I continue to break down in front of him, everyone staring at me…He stares at me coldly and asks me why I’m even still standing in front of him and to go away. That was the last interaction I had with him.”-

at this point he it is no longer convenient for him to be in a relationship with you. Reason is: he cares what other people think of him and you broke down in public, people staring. He is uncomfortable. And so, he is no longer motivated.

At one point in his very young life he was honest, he naturally communicated his thoughts and feelings. The result is that someone hurt him for it. He learned that what works for him is to say whatever brings about the results he is interested in.

You can’t change a person like that, that young, honest boy is gone. What is operating now and will continue to operate with everyone in his life, is a lying man who doesn’t know any other way, who is not motivated to try any other way, and is not likely to relearn his way. All you can do is recover, best you can. Learn from the experience all you can learn.

I hope you post again.

anita