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How Do I Help Him Forgive Himself

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  • #170043
    Pickles
    Participant

    Hello there,

    Recently I started dating a wonderful man. We met in Ireland and now the relationship is long distance. He’s had a lot of heart break and feels fully responsible for all of his past relationships ending. When we met (he later confessed) he wasn’t looking for anything and had resigned himself to being single for the rest of his life. Now that we’re together he’s constantly worried he’s going to hurt me and that his history will repeat itself. Recently he did say something that hurt me and while for me it did no permanent damage, he won’t let it go. He’s constantly worried about it and has been having trouble sleeping. I’m worried he’s going to take this as a sign that he’s unworthy of a relationship (something he admitted he had felt for a long time and still felt). Can anyone offer some advice? Is there anything I can say or do to help him heal and forgive himself for his mistakes? Thank you 🙂

    #170093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pickles:

    You asked if there is anything you “can say or do to help him heal and forgive himself for his mistakes?”-

    The nature of his mistakes is crucial to answering this question. Would you like to share what it is that he said to you that hurt you?

    And what does he believe are his mistakes with women in his past relationships?

    anita

    #170147
    Pickles
    Participant

    Anita,

    He went into some pretty graphic detail about being with another women. It was definitely word vomit, but I was shocked he’d share something so intimate that happened with another person. Granted, it was late at night and he was a bit tipsy. . . While that’s not an excuse, I think that lead to his over-sharing. I want him to be honest and open, but it was a bit much for me.

    To answer your question about past mistakes, he hasn’t gone into detail.  What he shared with me is that he ends up saying something stupid or doing something stupid and hurting the ones he loves. He’s sees himself as insensitive and hopeless. He knows he’s going to make a mistake like this again and is afraid that’s going to drive me away.

    For me, what he said is not unforgivable. I told him that at the time but he was so disgusted with what he had done he was up all night. He said what’s bothering him isn’t specifically related to what he said to me, but his fear that it will happen again and that his insensitivity will ruin this relationship.

    Thanks for listening 🙂

    #170191
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pickles:

    Reads to me that he feels out of control, unable to control what he says to you (or what he said to women in past relationships). Thing is, these are not likely to be mistakes but his way of protecting himself from getting hurt. By saying inappropriate things he may be trying to get you to get away from him so that he doesn’t have to stay in a relationship where he may get hurt.

    If I was you I  would ask him to share about his childhood experience, his relationships with his parents then and maybe now, see if there is hurt there so intense that he is still afraid to re-experience it in the context of a romantic relationship.

    If there is such a hurt he may not want to talk about it, but you can learn from his response nonetheless.

    anita

    #170203
    Pickles
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much. I agree that he may be using his “hopelessness” to protect himself from being hurt. I think it would be incredibly revealing to find out the source.

     

    #170229
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pickles:

    You are welcome. Hope you post again with what you learn.

    anita

    #170231
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t get submitted correctly…

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