Hello all,

I was hoping to find some support and/or suggestions on deal with a spouse who has depression. First: we have seen a doctor and have a low dose of generic Zoloft prescription. I believe a higher dose would be better, if not a new medication. My spouse overall agrees, but doesn’t want to “waste time sitting around a doctors office just to go and talk to a stranger about our problems.” This mindset is why therapy has been out of the question.

A little background: my spouse had a very tough childhood. She has 6 older siblings who were bullies, a father who disappeared, and a mother who also bullied and abused her. Due to the unloving environment and the trauma she faced as a child, I suspect she may actually have BPD, but I cannot get into diagnosing that with her yet (with a professional, I mean.) She has severe anxiety and almost immediately closes up in public. This makes grocery shopping very stressful and we almost always argue. She also does not get up until after 12pm most days. She doesn’t clean up/do chores around the house. She DOES feed the animals. I know she WANTS to do more, and she even has said things along those lines. However, she says often “it’s the depression. I don’t even want to get up and do anything.” I try to stay patient and not demand things or even ask, but I fear I’ve just created this contentment bubble that she won’t leave now. Almost every discussion ends with the depression or how her mother treated her as a child. (ex: she rationalized not wanting to clean because her mother would make her clean as punishment, so now she sees it as torture. Our house is a mess no  matter how much I do. She will also become angry with me for cleaning saying “you’re not spending time with me” or something similar.)

On top of all of this, she has outbursts of anger (lots of yelling), she forgets nearly everything (not just conversations, but things a few seconds after having them), and she won’t give up drinking (family history of alcoholism, too). As I pay the bills, I’m able to curb the drinking a little, but there’s always some kind of guilt trip at play. I know drinking with Zoloft is a very bad idea, but it doesn’t stop her. I’ve come home at about 4:30pm after she has woken at 12pm to find her already drinking.

I don’t know how to talk to her about this. Bringing things up (especially therapy or help) only causes a bigger fight. I don’t want to fight, but I don’t want to leave. I just want to be able to work WITH my spouse to figure this out. It seems like I’m dealing with a teenager instead of an adult though. Our arguments go around and around, usually losing the point that started it all. She will say hurtful things, and when I defend myself or ask for an apology, she has some kind of defense or excuse. I feel like we’re drifting apart and it’s heartbreaking. We used to be so happy and awesome. We were always on the same page, but now I don’t even know if we’re in the right book.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I would greatly appreciate any advice or to hear from someone in a similar situation.

-Honour A.