fbpx
Menu

discovering how to be alone

Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→discovering how to be alone

New Reply
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • September 8, 2017 at 9:15 pm #167970
    Patty
    Participant

    I broke up with my boyfriend of two years several weeks ago. Before that I was also in another 2 year relationship, and before that…another one for about the same time. Needless to say, I have always jumped from one relationship to another since I can remember.

    I always told myself that I liked being with someone…that one person. It was always comfortable and for the most part enjoyable, but in each relationship I still had a desire to be on my own, to be “independent.”

    I recently met a guy who I was interested in, and got a little attached to him (or the idea of him) once I knew how interested he was in me. Once he experienced that he immediately distanced himself and stopped talking to me. I was extremely upset when it happened because I blamed myself. And although I am not/wasn’t looking to be in a relationship, I was so attached to the idea that I still had someone there with me.

    Through all these emotions I was feeling at the time and still am feeling, I finally woke up. I realized how scared I am of being alone…because I don’t know how to be alone, especially as an adult.

    So I am reaching out to you all, hoping to find some insight if you’ve experienced something similar – what did you do? Or any words of wisdom I can use to figure out why I don’t want to be alone, how to release my attachment to being in a relationship, and fully embrace being with myself. Or any tips on living fully as a single woman who wants to only focus on her growth and development.

    Thanks in advance.

    September 9, 2017 at 12:22 am #167996
    gia
    Participant

    Dear Patty,

    Your post struck me as incredibly courageous, self-aware, reflecting honesty and wisdom. I am not sure I could offer any answers of worth to the barrage of profound questions at the end of your post, as I am whirling from the chord the clarity with which you wrote “got a little attached to him (or the idea of him)” and “once I knew how interested he was in me” struck in me. It took me quite a while to learn to step away from my tendency to create a person and become attached to the person I created. Another point you made is that you were misunderstood in your affections as a sign that you wanted something more — a relationship perhaps — from that guy. I am sorry to hear that, but I get it: you had needs after your recent breakup, and your affectionate nature together caused the guy whom you met to put two wrongs together, causing him to distance himself from you.

    I am sorry I don’t have any easy answer for your questions.

    Gia

    September 9, 2017 at 7:00 am #168010
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Patty:

    You wrote that you “realized how scared I am of being alone…because I don’t know how to be alone, especially as an adult”-

    I am thinking you do know how it feels to be alone, you experienced it, as a child and it was scary. This is why you’ve been scared being alone as an adult. Being alone, for a child, is often a scary experience. This is why a young child, when walking away from her mother so to explore something, walks away, then looks back to make sure her mother is still there (that she is not alone, without her mother), then keeps walking away toward the object to explore.

    Do you have memories of being alone-and-scared, as a child?

    anita

    September 9, 2017 at 7:51 am #168016
    Patty
    Participant

    Thank you Gia. Even your perspective and your personal experience helps. My questions are definitely not easy ones to answer, and as I come up with some on my own I’ll be here to share.

    September 9, 2017 at 8:14 am #168018
    Patty
    Participant

    Anita, you touched a soft spot for me with that question. I can’t even find a word to describe my childhood. Up until I was in middle school I had a great childhood with the best parents who gave my siblings and I everything we could ask for. It wasn’t until then through high school that my parents, individually and as a couple, started to struggle. It was tough and a constant fight with bad influences from friends and family, lots of anger and hurt. Thankfully I’ve come a long way since then.

    Looking back I never would have thought that I felt alone, but now I can see it, especially during that rough period. Scared – yes. Anger – hell yeah.

    I think since then I’ve always felt alone. I’ve just been good at hiding it, not showing or expressing my true emotions/thoughts, masking it with friends, activities, a smile.

    Since I started yoga three years ago and began teaching, I’ve gotten more in tune with my emotions and expressing myself. I love it; it’s a blessing. I also feel that is has made me feel all my emotions harder – including sadness and loneliness that has been suppressed for a long time.

    Thank you Anita for your question… It has really made me dig deeper into why I’m experiencing this now. It’s hard for me to do it on my own. Your perspective was that extra push I needed. Next is figuring out the work I need to do to move past this.

    September 9, 2017 at 8:44 am #168020
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Patty:

    You are welcome. You wrote earlier: “… any words of wisdom I can use to figure out why I don’t want to be alone, how to release my attachment to being in a relationship, and fully embrace being with myself. Or any tips on living fully as a single woman who wants to only focus on her growth and development”-

    Keep doing what you have been doing: expressing your emotions, no longer “hiding it, not showing or expressing my true emotions/thoughts, masking it with friends, activities, a smile”.

    If you’d like to share, what was your fear about, in middle school through high school as your parents were struggling?

    anita

    October 24, 2017 at 6:14 pm #174693
    Sha
    Participant

    Hi Patty,

    How are you feeling?

    I found myself in this position before. Years ago, I was in a relationship and it was very toxic but loving. After we broke up I did not feel comfortable being single. First, it was because I wanted to beat him to the punch and show him that I can be happy without him. Than, it formed into me believing that I moved on and was ready to be in another relationship when I was not. Part of the reason why many of us jump into relationships as quickly as we do is because we have a void that we are experiencing and look to others to fill. Through reflecting and trial and error is where we find what those voids are. Through seeing and understanding those voids for what they are we can limit feeding them by turning to others. We can also limit attracting those we attract with those voids we have. For example, my void is confirmation and vulnerability. I look to date men who will define who or what I think I am – when they treat me well I think lovely things about myself and when they treat me with disrespectful I do not think kindly of myself. I also force them to be vulnerable with me because I struggle with intimacy and through these two voids I often welcome emotionally unavailable, and sometimes abusive men to me.

    I hope this can give you something to think about.

     

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.