Showered with troubles and seeking for advice

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This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 24, 2017 at 12:11 pm #165496

None
Participant

Hi!

I haven’t been here lately and I have been putting into practice the positive pieces of advice that some of you people gave me a month ago for which I am extremely thankful. So for a while I though that I was in the right direction of recovery and tried to stay positive and fought negative thoughts really hard, yet all of my effords for my staying positive came to an end yesterday and I am here again seeking for help and your opinion in a rain of bad thing happening to me- I almost think I could get a Guinness record for troubles for the last year of my life.

So, a couple of months ago we got a baby in our family- my cousin gave birth to the tiniest and the most cute little thing in the world. So since then I am literally begging her to go and see this little boy( we live in the same city, but not together). I usuallytell her that me and my sister will visit them in advance and it’s like kind of a ritual for me to do that so that I don’tbother her. So last night I was chatting with my cousin’s boyfriend who is the father of the baby I was talking about above trying to ask for permission to go and see the baby and this guy started textig me like he was a friend to me and asked if I trusted him and he always aks about personal things of my life and try to never give him an answer because I am not that open about my life with everyone. So… he came to the part where was suggesting me that i should get a boyfriend and started asking me if at that moment we were chatting I wanted something so I told him I wannahug and kiss the baby and he started getting nasty and saying sexual things to me (” i will eat you because you are cute”, “the forbidden fruit is the most wanted” and things of the sort) and I was playing like I don’t get the point so that he could leave me. I was really shocked!!! Really!

At the end of the conversation he asked me to delete the chat history so that he could be calm and I said that I would not and I felt that he is beginning to act aggressively. His begging continued for at least 10-15 minutes and finally he gave up. I really wanna see my cousing’s baby, but I am really shocked of what happened last night and I wonder what to do- it’s my cousin after all and she does not deserve to be treated this way by some kind of sex/women-abssessed jerk. I am afraid to tell her, yet if keep silent I will act strangely and they will wonder maybe what is happening. I was thinking of sharing this with my cousin’s mother for throwing up some wisdom in the situation but I don’t think I will have the guts.

I feel really awful! Please help with a piece of advice.

August 24, 2017 at 12:32 pm #165498

PearceHawk
Participant

Hi None.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. Sheesh. I think that when he asks things like “asking me if at that moment we were chatting I wanted something so I told him I wannahug and kiss the baby,” you should be vague and say something like, ” No, I don’t need anything. I’m good.” The way you answered, ” I wannahug and kiss the baby,” was an opportunity for him to create an “opening” to get into your life a little more, apparently a place where you don’t want him to be because, as you said “I am not that open about my life with everyone.” One option is for you to invite your cousin to brunch, lunch, or whatever, and start off with a simple question, “so how are the two of you doing now that there is a baby in your life?”. I wouldn’t ask that right away. I’d focus on the cute baby at first then ask that question. If she says they are doing great, or fine, then I would bring it up and show her the text. If she says they are having some troubles, you can explore that then show the text. Either way, personally, I think she needs to know. I’d definitely put some distance between you and him, subtle enough to let him know that you don’t need a player in your life. I’m just a little harsh with this sort of thing because it happened to me. It started off with a text like the one you got, too many “private” phone calls, etc. I left to go to the Middle East and when I returned I found out she had been with this guy pretty seriously. You give these kind of people an inch they will take a mile. Should you choose to NOT mention something, things go bad to worse, and your cousin finds out that you have known about this for a while, this could easily be seen as betrayal, it could easily be seen as you were in collusion with him, that your cousin could easily ask, “how long have you known about this?” or “why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Nothing good really comes out of this sort of thing. Distance yourself from him and consider telling your cousin.

Pearce

August 24, 2017 at 12:47 pm #165502
None
Participant
To the answer I gave him when he asked what I wanna do at that moment at first I told nothing and then he continued with the dirty talk and I mentioned the baby so that he could come to the ground and realize that he is a father and get ashamed a little bit- but nooo, that ain’t happen. I am appalled and I really right now I wanna spit in the face of that man and feel sorry for my cousin. As far as she is concerned, I really don’t know what to expect from her and how to tell her- maybe she knows, maybe she doesn’t. What I forgot to mention is that they are constatly arguing about small things and this woman has been making a living for both him and her. That is gonna be pretty hard as we also don’t talk that much and are not that close to each other but anyways I really get troubled how I am gonna do this…
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by None.
August 26, 2017 at 3:28 pm #165788

Eliana
Participant

Hi None,

I know it’s going to be hard, but I think she needs to know..

August 27, 2017 at 5:43 am #165810

Anonymous
Guest

Dear None:

If I was you, I wouldn’t tell the cousin or the cousin’s mother about what the cousin’s boyfriend said to you. I would also not engage in future communication with the cousin’s boyfriend, none whatsoever.

The relationships between the cousin and her boyfriend and probably between the cousin and her mother are messy. Stay out of this mess, have None of it.

If accessible to you, focus on the innocent part of all this, the baby.

anita

September 1, 2017 at 9:32 am #166530

None
Participant

Thanks for sharing your opinion! Huge thanks!

So after i have read the firs advice that PearceHawk gave I was determined to tell everything and was filled with negative emotions, especially disgust and hate towards this man. I told him that night that the day after me and my sister are going to visit them but eventually it came out we could not and , most of all, I was too angry to go there and meet that shitty person. So he texted me again the next day asking if we were to come and I saidwe were busy and after that I barely answered his messages and finally told him that if I wanna go and see my cousin and her baby I am gonna text her. So that did not seem to trouble him and he continued to ask what me and my sister were up to and asked if I was mad at him about something(really?). I did not text back and he gave up. Since then I have not contacted my cousing or him, or anyone else and I plan to do this way. After all, they did not treat each other with respect and as if they are a couple- as i said they are constatly fighting and my cousin is sometimes really aggressive towards him which makes me think that she knows what he is up to, but still stays with him. I will probably listen to you , anita, and not involve myself in this family drama anymore and keep in touch only with my cousin and ignore him. anyway, I am still worried that the next time I go there she will probably notice the change of my attitude towards him( I would probably look at him with disgust and be more protective when she is concerned) …

September 1, 2017 at 9:46 am #166534

Anonymous
Guest

Dear None:

I still believe that indeed it is best for you to not get involved in this drama.

As far as your concern about your cousin picking up on your disgust with the guy when they are both in your physical presence (“I would probably look at him with disgust”)-

as you see him in the periphery of your vision, do not focus your eyes on him. You can see him in the background, that way, but without focus. This way you are not likely to feel that intense disgust and it will not show on your face.

anita

September 1, 2017 at 11:20 am #166546

None
Participant

I will , for sure, try not to look at him still he is one of the people that are always nagging on people- either with his words, or behavious… that is the point where I think I am gonna act really aggressively or try to say something nasty about him and that is what bothers me.

September 1, 2017 at 11:54 am #166558

Anonymous
Guest

Dear None:

If you don’t think you can handle him without acting “really aggressively or try to say something nasty about him” – you should not place yourself in his presence at all.

anita
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