Hi Everyone!

I began dating an incredible guy 8 months ago. But before then, I had been through a series of relationships that ended badly, causing me develop relationship anxiety, because of what I believe a loss of self-confidence and ability to live my own life. I spent about four months after my last relationship recovering, however, the anxiety stuck around. For the most part, I spent a lot of time overthinking my past decisions and relationships, trying to understand what went wrong and what “love” is and so forth. I got past that though and began to slowly become more confident in my ability to be in a healthy relationship.

Then, 8 months ago I met by current boyfriend. I’m being honest, setting aside any infatuation or attraction, he is the one for me. My brain says it and my heart says it. He has a good heart and strong mind, and he’s very good at loving me. When are relationship began, I was confident and happy in it. Then, people from his past that he had had sexual encounters with began show up in a coincidental manner (there weren’t many). He’s the type of person who can be friends with anyone, and values all of those friendships. That being said, he hadn’t shut those people out of his life or ghosted them persay. I suppose I should see that as he doesn’t use people or have sex irresponsibly, but my anxiety tells a different story. I began having terrible thoughts and even imagery over his past sexual history with theses people, questioning who he really was and if I could really trust him. I knew it was all in my head, so I pushed it away. But it kept coming back, to the point that I couldn’t even rest easy if he was hanging out with other gay men or traveling somewhere far away. I discussed these feelings with him, and he had simply had random sexual encounters within the last six months before we met. Possibly as a result of moving 2,000 miles away from family and having been recently single. So, I can relate to why he would do that, and of course he was single, so why not? I’ve had my history as well.

But ever since those thoughts began, I became consumed with insecurity, freaking out at ignored texts, and when he didn’t seem to want to call me (He lives two hours away, so we only see each other on weekends). It got to the point where he would only do things for me out of fear of me getting upset. In other words, the relationship became more about my needs than his. Fast-forward to now, and we’re taking some space because he became so overwhelmed with the emotional manipulation I was forcing upon him.

To be honest, he was probably the most innocent guy I’ve ever dated. And I know it probably has something to do with my past relationships (I was only cheated on once though). So, I’m not really sure why the sexual history anxiety is the one anxiety that is so hard for me to overcome. And that anxiety just opens the door for so many others.

Since we began taking space, I’ve evaluated how to really love someone, and the difference between healthy love and selfish love. Because despite the anxiety, I somehow managed to provide enough for him that he’s still with me. I’ve owned up to that fact that I messed up, and I’m taking steps to correct my behavioral pattern, and giving him space to heal his sense of self, so he doesn’t feel like his life revolves around just us. And I’m doing the same, focusing on my confidence levels and living my own life, hoping that it will help me to prevent over-obsessing over stuff.

What I’m stuck on right now though, is how to prevent those anxious thoughts from hurting my confidence or putting me back into a cycle of unhappiness and neediness (I hate being needy). Because I know that’s all it is, anxiety. I’m also trying to rediscover the line between anxiety and my actual needs and desires that I should fight for. Nevertheless, there’s never been a moment I haven’t truly felt loved by him, so I don’t understand how my anxiety can take such a hold on me. Please help!