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Uncommon, and sometimes Uncontrollable, Anxiety in my Relationship

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • August 17, 2017 at 7:26 am #164360
    Lucy
    Participant

    Hi Michael,

    Thanks for sharing your story!

    Well, you definitely aren’t the only one who feels these levels of anxiety in a relationship! I have experienced that anxiety in a relationship, especially regarding the sexual history of my current and previous boyfriends.

    First of all, consider whether you are self-confident now, to the extent where you could be single and happy with who you are without feeling the need to please anybody else. The reason why I ask is that if one is truly content with themselves and confident in who they are in their own skin without needing anybody else to validate them, then we are on the right path to love someone else and be a part of a healthy relationship with heaps of trust in each other.

    It sounds like your boyfriend truly cares for you and isn’t afraid to show you that he loves you, you both have a past but the longer that you hold onto these anxious thoughts, the harder your relationship will be to sustain. He might feel like he’s at a loss over what to do as he doesn’t know how to relieve you from the anxiety you feel, but he can only help you to an extent, which is by showing you he truly loves you and by having an honest and communicative relationship.

    If he wanted something with somebody else, from his past or not, he wouldn’t be in a relationship with you or be so loving with you. The anxiety you feel could very well be due to the bad endings of your previous relationships and if they have dented your self-confidence to the point where you might not feel like you’re ‘enough’ for someone which is definitely something I used to feel, then you two definitely need some time apart so you can unpack any past or present feelings which you may not have dealt with.

    Don’t let past issues affect your present, you’re taking control of the situation which is a very good thing and this relationship definitely sounds like it’s worth fighting for – it’s repairable for sure.

    Good luck to you both!

     

     

    August 17, 2017 at 8:12 am #164384
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michael:

    You wrote:  “(I hate being needy)”- can you elaborate on what “being needy” means to you and what you hate about it?

    You are stuck on “how to prevent those anxious thoughts from hurting my confidence or putting me back into a cycle of unhappiness and neediness”- will attend to this later, if you respond.

    And you wrote that you are “trying to rediscover the line between anxiety and my actual needs and desires”- our actual need is to be well, to experience peace of mind, reasonably, to be okay. Anxiety is not congruent with well-being, peace of mind. So your actual need, I believe, is to manage and heal your anxiety.

    anita

     

     

    August 17, 2017 at 6:38 pm #164508
    Michael
    Participant

    Dear Lucy,

    It’s good to know I’m not the only who has faced anxieties in relationships before. I’ve definitely been suffering with this form of anxiety since before I began my relationship with my current boyfriend. I thought I was in control when we began, and perhaps I was, I simply found my way back to that level of insecurity and have had a lot of trouble getting out of it. I’m definitely embracing the space we’re taken as a way for me to really find myself and focus on building my confidence, however, it still comes with the difficulties of trying to stay focused on moving forward. My anxiety has definitely made me believe he isn’t giving me enough love or showing it how I want, however, I notice a different pattern between my last few relationships and ones where I was confident. I agree I need to be confident and validated in myself and am currently working towards that. I think time and dedication is the only way to truly switch these automatic thoughts that cause me anxiety.

    Dear Anita,

    I think by needy I mean always seeking love from him to feel better. While it may not always seem that way, oftentimes I feel as if when I’m unhappy for any number of reasons, I seek his love, or attention, to make me feel better. I like being in a state of mind where I don’t need others to make me happy, where I can be happy and content in my own self. While I don’t think it’s bad to seek help, I don’t like being accustomed to always looking to my boyfriend to feel better. I definitely agree what I need right now is healing, I guess I’m just confused between what I actually need from a partner to have a healthy relationship, and what is simply anxiety/insecurity making it’s way through. Perhaps managing and overcoming the anxiety will make that clearer.

    August 18, 2017 at 7:23 am #164560
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michael:

    You wrote: “I’m just confused between what I actually need from a partner to have a healthy relationship, and what is simply anxiety/ insecurity making it’s way through”-

    This is how you can tell the difference: if you look up to him to make you feel better, like a child looks up to a parent for comfort, than it is not a healthy relationship, and it is the anxiety of past operating. On the other hand, if you look to him as an equal, asking for and receiving comfort from him, on one hand, and on the other, he is asking you for comfort when he needs it, and he receives it from you, then you have a healthy relationship.

    You wrote in your original post that before this boyfriend you “had been through a series of relationships that ended badly, causing me develop relationship anxiety”- what is the history of the most powerful relationship/s in your life, the ones with your parent/s?

    anita

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