Dear Peyton:

You wrote: “he approaches our disagreements with pre-conceived ideas”- and I have no doubt that he does, because everyone does. Everyone has pre-conceived ideas, ideas conceived in childhood, brought into adulthood. Thing is, if those ideas are congruent with reality, a person can have healthy relationships. If those ideas are not congruent with reality, and diverge from reality significantly, the person cannot have healthy relationship.

Here is an extreme example: let’s say your boyfriend, as a child, was heavily criticized. His pre-conceived idea, as an adult, is that if a person has a different like than him, or a different opinion, or shows any dissatisfaction with his behavior, then that person is criticizing him. He immediately feels angry and lashes out, accusing, not discussing. It is automatic for him.

Do you think this is the case?

anita

Dear Peyton:

I understand you being exhausted as it is not a good way to live, to spend your energy day in and day out on defending yourself from unreasonable accusations. No wonder your body relaxed at the thought of ending this turmoil and it tensed up at the thought of continuing this pain-and-suffering. Good that you noticed.

You wrote: “I don’t know how to handle it and I’m not sure I want to anymore”- I think it is better that you choose to not handle it at all by ending this relationship.

anita

Dear Peyton:

You wrote that he brought the flowers to you as his apology to you (“he shows up at my work with flowers apologises”). Here is a definition of the word “apologize” (or apologise, different spelling): to express regret for something one has done wrong.

Later he told you that “he was glad he bought flowers because it showed that he could forgive”- to forgive suggests that it is you who has done something wrong.

This leads me to believe that his apology gesture (flowers) was not sincere. I think it is a good choice on your part to take a break, better make it a very, very long break.

The title of your thread is “Am I overthinking it???”- maybe an appropriate answer is something like this: once you figure out the person you are dealing with is insincere, you stop overthinking because you already figured out all you have to figure out in regard to the person.

anita

Dear Peyton:

Like you suggested, I agree: he is likely demanding apologies from you that he never got from his parents. He probably deserves apologies from them, as they offended him. On the other hand, you didn’t. He is likely to go through life, unfortunately, demanding apologies from non-offending parties, pointing the finger of blame at others.

I like your positive attitude, stating that you are okay, and that when you are not, you soon will be. I hope you post again, anytime you’d like.

anita