So I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and I feel as though my guides have finally directed me to some answers that were right in front of me the entire time.

It started with feeling like I should watch a movie I’d bought recently, where the main character is a young girl setting off on her own for the first time, and learns that despite the difficulties one might face, it is rewarding to believe in yourself and persevere. Then I was inspired to watch a show this morning- earlier than I normally get out of bed- and just listen. And I did.

And I have to say, I’ve had one of my first profound realizations in a long, long time. It’s very refreshing, in a way.

Since I’m off to college in about a month, all my life has been for a while now is trying to decide what I might want to major in. What should I do as a major? Maybe a minor? What about an idea for a job, or a career after college? Why don’t I seem to have a plan that works for me? Why can’t I just make a decision?

Because to me, I felt like it was irresponsible to not have a plan. I felt like, what if I could never make up my mind, and then I was left juggling too many things and still had no job? I have such big ambitions for my life. Not big as in expensive, but big as in, different from the norm. And I was worried that without a plan, I’d be labeled as reckless or irresponsible, despite getting my work done on time, always doing my best, and always trying to be better than I was the day before, and responsible in general with all necessary tasks.

What was I really afraid of? More than likely, other peoples’ opinions.

What seemed to hit me this morning was this: Maybe I’m unable to form a solid plan, because my spirit doesn’t take well to having a rigid plan.

I don’t like being confined to one path or one possibility, so trying to limit myself was like trying to seal off a part of myself and my deepest reality, despite my brain wanting to think it was the best thing to do. I’ve been called a free spirit, but only now have I really started to create a concept of what that really means.

It means I’m a bit more unconventional than my friends, and far more unconventional than my family. It means I don’t agree with people when they tell me without a plan, you’re screwed. That things are going to be hard or that somehow I will lack something that they have. As a child, I used to be so easy-going. I never had plans and never even realized I did things that most young girls didn’t. I played with dinosaurs figurines instead of dolls, I played with the boys at recess because the girls seemed to bore me, I had interests that confused those around me and sometimes even concerned them even when it was harmless. Of course, throughout the years, I took in the judgement and thought something was wrong with me. Only now do I realize I was internalizing what other people thought to be wrong, when really it was just different.

While I do have some wishes in life, such as to live in a small, nicely decorated home (I’m creative when it comes to home design projects), to move out west because I connect deeply with mountains and nature, and to hopefully travel throughout my life. I don’t want to save up a bunch of money and then travel when I retire. I want to travel once, maybe several times a year or every other year at least, and make memories and have experiences. I crave experiences. I don’t care if I end up working when I’m older, because I plan to live each day of my life- not plan to live after I retire. Heck, I can see myself now, in my 70’s and working at a bookstore as the stereotypical librarian.

Of course I realize that it’s necessary to prepare for things. I’m not saying I want to spend recklessly or not have something to fall back on, but I also know that without taking some risks, I won’t be able to live up to what I believe my soul really desires. And I feel like all I’ve been trying to do is find control over something that doesn’t need controlling. I’m trying to force myself to have a plan when deep down, I don’t even want a plan! I can have ideas, and for some people having so many possibilities may seem to paralyze them or make things difficult, but for me it just sounds exciting. I like to let life lead me wherever it chooses to- I am not in control of what may happen to me, but I get to choose how I respond to it, and I get to make my own decisions about how I’d like my life to look. That is what I believe. And I believe that no matter what happens, to really feel fulfilled in my life, I need to let myself get into the flow of things. And I can’t be in that flow if I’m trying to control it.

So while a part of me knows it might be difficult moving forward to not have a plan when everyone around me might keep telling me to think otherwise, I can’t bring myself to find importance in such things. I can’t bring myself to feel like it’s good to think the way that they do or believe what they do. It doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t feel right to me. Even my own mother has expressed a bit of resistance to my admitting that I don’t find placing so much importance on certain aspects of life necessary.

I will not grow to be careless, if that is what they are afraid of. I always try my best, and I do genuinely wish to succeed in college and fully intend to graduate with a degree in something. What I won’t do is force myself to believe that this ‘major’ is the end-all be-all of my life decisions. I will not believe that it limits me, or that I have to know what I’ll do with it after college. Opportunity will present itself to me with time.

If I can’t trust the unknown to help me when the time is right, how will I ever know what faith means, or what freedom from excess worry can feel like?