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how to help cheated-on friend?

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  • July 12, 2017 at 10:30 am #157654
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JuliaM:

    You read like a very reasonable person and it reads to me that she is adamant about her decision to go ahead with the wedding. Because you cannot change her mind, and you do respect her right to make the choice to go ahead with the wedding, what I would do, if I was you, would be to no longer voice to her your concerns. Instead, adapt as positive an attitude as you can: after all, it is possible that the marriage will work out.

    Keep in mind: if he cheats on her again and if she experiences more heartache in the marriage to come, that will not be your responsibility, not something you caused and not your job to fix. Just as it is now, not your responsibility or job to fix her heartache or situation. You already voiced your concerns, and that is all you can do. And so, you already did all you can do.

    anita

    July 12, 2017 at 10:31 am #157656
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t submit correctly…

    July 12, 2017 at 10:52 am #157676
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Julia,

    What a terrible position for you to be in. I think that all you can do with your friend, is engage in a conversation about what happened, just listen, and accept whatever decision she has chosen to make. I agree with Anita when she said, “Keep in mind: if he cheats on her again and if she experiences more heartache in the marriage to come, that will not be your responsibility, not something you caused and not your job to fix. Just as it is now, not your responsibility or job to fix her heartache or situation.” Really, it is not your job to fix that. You must be an observer as an active listener in this situation, not a participant whose intention is to “fix it.” Who knows? Perhaps it will work out. But be patient and listen. That is the support she needs.

    Pearce

    July 12, 2017 at 4:44 pm #157822
    JuliaM
    Participant

    Dear Anita and PearceHawk,

    Thank you both for taking the time to provide some very thoughtful and empathetic advice.  I appreciate what you each have suggested, even as I see that’s the hardest advice for me to take.  At core, you are both pointing to the same truth: I cannot “fix” this thing, it is not my issue to solve.  I feel I am being driven by an inner sense of “responsibility” to protect this person I love but really my responsibility to her is not about interfering with a messy situation but just being present with my friend as she decides how she wants and needs to move thru it.

    So thank you for giving kind hearted advice that’s going to be hard for me but also hits home and reminds me I cannot take other people’s lives on as my responsibility, even if I want to out of a feeling of love.

    Best,

    JM

    July 13, 2017 at 10:20 am #157914
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, JM. Post again anytime.

    anita

    July 13, 2017 at 3:52 pm #157964
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Julia,

    I just want to share something ever so brief that I recently shared on this site. I told someone, “The only person you are destined to be, is the person you decide to be.” I cannot recall who said that, but it is a quote that I often times refer to myself. When I do that, I return to being grounded. Sometimes the difficult decisions we make are necessary to overcome adversity. By making a difficult decision to achieve what we need often times results in getting what we need. It also makes you stronger. Know that we are ALWAYS here for you. Just reach out and you will have a heart to hold on to.

    Pearce

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