Dazed and Confused

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This topic has 33 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 7, 2017 at 8:35 am #156822

Jeff
Participant

I am a 45 year old male who is 3 years post divorce. I have 3 kids who live about 100 miles away. I see them every other weekend. I started dating a woman about 1 year post divorce and we have been dating for 2 years. As you can see from my other posts, we were having some troubles with our relationship. She preferred exclusive, but casual dating. As we both have kids I saw her 1x during the week and then every other weekend. I wanted more time or more communication. We recently decided that our goals were different and we broke up. This has left me in a very strange place. I cannot stop thinking about her. I want to reach out and talk or text her. She was one of those people that just “got” me. Our humor matched and we were good together. The problems were when we were apart. She’s an introvert and needed her space. She also has kids with more the 50% custody. So there wasn’t enough time to go around and that wasn’t going to happen as she couldn’t give me more time

I had played out in my mind that when her kids were out of the house that things would get better (many years from now). I think I created my own fantasy that she would change and things would be great.
I knew that people don’t usually change core beliefs, in her case introversion.

So here I am and I feel isolated and confused on the direction of my life. I recently move to this new area and the only real friend I had here was my ex girlfriend.

My ex wife had an affair and ended our marriage so I was mad and then there were all the other things going on at the time (dividing assets, custody etc.). This breakup almost seems harder as I don’t have anything else to focus on and it was essentially a mutual breakup. I still probably love her and she was a good friend.

I’m not sure how to process the pain and constant thoughts of my ex girlfriend. I have been seeing a counselor for a few months, so that is in place. I exercise, have a good paying job and great kids. That seems like a good life when I look at in on paper, but I’m missing the connection of my ex girlfriend. It has only been a week, but it seems as if things are getting worse and not better.

Moving on sucks and I unfortunately have the thoughts going through my head: she was so much fun to be with, witty and smart. Understood me and was in great shape. I am just having a hard time coping and concentrating. There are no quick fixes in life but this has been difficult.Somewhere deep down I know I will move on, as I did after my divorce, it just seems like right now I will be alone and lonely for some time.

July 7, 2017 at 1:34 pm #156912

Craig
Participant

Jeff, I hear that you’re going through a hard time. I remember your earlier posts. I had a feeling that your now ex wasn’t going to budge. She had lots of great qualities, but she didn’t have the quality of wanting you to be a significant part of her life.

Now I think all you can do is put one foot in front of the other. Continue your counseling. Make new friends. If you meet a woman you like, date, but don’t push, and certainly don’t worry about it. Exercise. Read Al Turtle on-line if you haven’t found him yet.

I’ve been where you are, and every now and then slip back a bit. You’ll probably miss her for a while. My ex just contacted me after 4 months (she also was not a particularly “available” person) and yes, I got triggered a bit. But I’m going forward.

Keep going!

July 8, 2017 at 5:29 am #156976

Jeff
Participant

Craig thanks for the reply.

So she did text the day after we broke up and asked how I was doing. I told her I was sad and wondering if we had made a mistake. I needed to get my kids, so I didn’t really say much else.

Once I got back home and settled a bit I did text back a long text about how I felt when i was with her. If she would reconsider I am here. I’m just not ready to give up yet. I will no longer text or call, but it does take a lot of will not to. Of course I still have feelings for her. I feel like I found someone I really clicked with and we enjoyed each other’s company. I am not sure if I will find that again. I am fearful for the future of being alone and lonely.

I understand it most likely isn’t in the cards for us, but it just makes it difficult that in my marriage I was told I wasn’t invested and now I am told I’m too invested.

I am hurting and not sure what I should do next.

July 8, 2017 at 5:36 am #156978

Craig
Participant

Hi Jeff,

Who told you that you weren’t invested in your marriage? What do you think that person meant?

Who told you that you are too invested (now?)? What do you think this person meant?

July 8, 2017 at 6:32 am #156980

Jeff
Participant

Craig

I felt that I had “checked out” of my marriage and my ex wife had made allusions to that. Basically she was saying that I was on autopilot and was not fully engaged in my family and kids. Since then I have a much deeper relationship with my kids and I am grateful for that. That was the best thing that has happened post divorce.

No one told me I was too invested, but I wanted more time with my girlfriend. I was everything that I wasn’t in this relationship compared to my marriage. I was very complimentary, warm, a good listener. Unfortunately it wasn’t good enough.

So at this point I am going through the grief of a breakup and I am miserable.

July 8, 2017 at 8:08 am #157020

Craig
Participant

Hi Jeff,

Some of what you say about your relationship with your recent ex comes across as if you think there is something wrong with you. You said “Unfortunately it wasn’t good enough.” It’s as if you think your desire for connection, and the ways you sought it (being complimentary, warm, a good listener), were faulty.

Unless you were standing under her bedroom every night plinking her window with pebbles, then I don’t see why wanting and seeking connection with her means you’re not good enough.

No person (that I’ve met, anyway) has unlimited emotional resources and desire to connect. It may be that the quality of your experiences with your ex were lovely, but she just doesn’t have it in herself to do that more often. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, or with her.

July 8, 2017 at 9:40 am #157046
Jeff
Participant
Craig

I agree that wanting more time together wasn’t wrong, I do sometimes feel like I should have tried harder to give her that. My friends kept telling me they didn’t understand why she couldn’t give more time to me. My two best and most trusted friends quit talking about it because they thought it was a toxic relationship for me.

Im struggling with new town, new job, limited friends (actually in the area) and too much free time. My kids are here every other weekend so that creates much open time. I work 4.5 days a week. But all my evenings need to be filled in.

Im lonely and miserable. But my friends are telling I was the same with her on the nights I didn’t see her.

And the constant ruminating and urge to reach out are out of control!
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Jeff.
July 8, 2017 at 9:29 pm #157124

Dawn R
Participant

Hi Jeff,

Of course, you’re feeling lonely and miserable. You still love her and miss her. It will take a lot of time to grieve for this loss. When you break-up with someone, it’s normal to remember all the things you appreciated about them, all the things that brought you together in the first place. But you also need to remember, that you felt lonely and miserable in your relationship with her, as she wasn’t giving you the time, energy, and attention you wanted and deserved. And that is why you chose to break up with her in the first place. It’s difficult even when it’s mutual.

You must honor your feelings of loss. Actually feel sad and lonely. Maybe write them on the page. Find a way to process and express what you’re experiencing right now. The intention is not to share them with anyone (including your ex-girlfriend), but to share them with yourself. To find out more about who you are and what you want. To give you a constructive way to grieve.

In the meantime, try to be patient with yourself. Be kind and loving to and compassionate with yourself. And try to do something each day that makes you feel a little better.

One day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this.

Take Care.

Dawn

July 9, 2017 at 7:44 am #157158

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jeff:

The good news is that you have “a much deeper relationship with my kids and I am grateful for that”- I am sure they are even more grateful, as they need you so much. You wrote: “I am fearful for the future of being alone and lonely”- thing is, you are currently alone and lonely. You fear it happening in the future while it is already happening. And you can survive it and change it. Consider the likely possibility that this loneliness you are experiencing is temporary.

This is not a life sentence.

You wrote: “I’m struggling with new town, new job, limited friends (actually in the area) and too much free time… all my evenings need to be filled in. I’m lonely and miserable. But my friends are telling I was the same with her on the nights I didn’t see her”- like your friend said, if you were still in a relationship with her, you would still feel alone and lonely during the time you would not be with her. So, she seems to be the solution, but she is at best the solution to a little bit of your time.

Aim at being engaged in a healthy, loving relationship with a compatible woman in the future, maybe even the near future. This is what you need and you can make it happen.

anita

July 10, 2017 at 8:08 pm #157414

Jeff
Participant

Thank you Craig, Dawn and Anita. I am struggling with this. I knew it was coming and I still struggle. It is true what studies say, a broken heart is like taking away a drug from an addict.

It has gotten slightly better over the last few days but I’m constantly talking about and I don’t want to wear my friends out. It’s very similar to my divorce, except unfortunately, I’ve been down this road before. Not sure what I’m going to do. Right now I’m working and kind of vegging out at home in the evenings. It has been exhausting so I’m doing a lot of resting.

Im glad and appreciative of the responses.

July 11, 2017 at 3:28 am #157426

Craig
Participant

Hi Jeff,

There’s something about a broken heart that demands an explanation so profound and perfect, that the pain will go away. I’ve never heard such an explanation. I think there is no shortcut to the passage of time.

All the things you can do to help heal – exercising, eating well, talking with others, writing, reaching out to friends – will matter a lot, but I believe time is an essential part of the healing equation.

July 14, 2017 at 2:35 pm #158170

Jeff
Participant

So it has been 2 weeks and today was the worst. I had a breakdown 2x. Once at the DDS office. It was embarrassing. Last time I had anxiety there and my ex texted me out of the anxiety. I also went a trail run, first time, and couldn’t help but think about all the hiking my ex and I did. Again another breakdown.

I don’t have social support outside the work environment. I have friends I can reach by text or call. But that is it. So I am basically alone. I am also petrified about the future. It is going to take me getting out there alone and I’m not sure I can do it. I have always been shy and it’s tough for me to meet people. Work is also not a place to meet others as I work in a medical clinic.

I met my recent ex through online dating and not sure about that right now either. It may seem like I am wallowing, but I am scared about being alone.

I have a counselor and we are working on some things like why I’m always looking for validation, low self esteem and overall low self worth.

If anyone has a few good books to read about any of this let me know. Really struggling with life at this point, but as Craig has said 1 foot in front of the other.

July 14, 2017 at 3:27 pm #158176

Eliana
Participant

Hi Jeff,

What you are going through is the normal grieving process. It took me three years to get over my ex, but because of severe childhood trauma such as neglect and constant abandonment and rejection, I have a difficult time getting over the loss of a love. Once I got fired from a job over him, because I worked in a call center, and had to keep getting off the phones to go to the bathroom and cry.

I would come home and be so devastated, I would barely talk to my roommate, just isolated myself in my bedroom. I could not get him off my mind, Nothing seemed to help, not even counseling. Finally, I started to get out of my head, as it was destroying my emotional health and started volunteering at a homeless shelter and an animal sanctuary. Seeing people who had so little, yet had happiness inside, made me feel better. Animals, and being an animal lover brought me comfort. I also joined a book club and met some friends.

I bought this book on Amazon dot com called “”How to get over the loss of a love” and “Co-Dependent no more”. Those books really helped me. Keep us posted. It will take time and patience, but it does get better.

July 14, 2017 at 3:34 pm #158178

Craig
Participant

Hi Jeff,

I’ve got a reading recommendation, though it’s not a book, and it won’t cost you a cent. My personal and relational growth progressed dramatically as I began to understand the ideas in Al Turtle’s website. If you get into it, I think you’ll find his views are unconventional yet to my mind, make a lot of sense. He’s a retired couples therapist who earlier in his life, decided to really drill down into why most relationships are unsatisfying, if not failing altogether. He is available by phone and I’ve spoken to him many times. There are solutions…

Anyway, I see myself in much of what you write, so maybe this will be of interest to you.

July 14, 2017 at 11:21 pm #158222

Dawn R
Participant

Hi Jeff and Craig,

Thanks Craig for sharing Al Turtle’s Relationship Map. I think all of us could learn a thing or two from his research and experience. He has many thought provoking ideas of things/behaviors/ideas that help and hurt relationships. I appreciate his insights. Jeff, I think you would too.

Jeff, It is true. Grieving is a long process. It’s not a “wave a magic wand” and you’re over it. You spent time building your relationship with your ex-girlfriend. And it will take time to grieve for the loss of it as well. You will spend much time contemplating the good things about it. That’s ok. It will also be necessary for you to think about the reasons why you broke-up. The things that you didn’t want. The things that you were longing for.

My biggest question for you is Why are you so afraid of being alone? Or what is it about being alone that scares you? Maybe this is an opportunity to get to know yourself better. To learn to love and accept yourself where you are, while striving to become a better version of yourself. I don’t know if you’ve ever done that in your life or not. I just know that it is important to be comfortable in your own skin. Before you jump into another relationship, contemplate just “Dating” yourself. I know it sounds weird. But look for the things that bring you some relief. Bring you some joy. Stop running away from yourself. You might find that you actually enjoy your own company and that you’re a good man whom, someday, some woman is going to feel really lucky to have in her life.

Take Care.

Dawn
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