Dear Brittany:

You wrote that you had “daddy issues… (and) a rocky relationship with my father pretty much my entire childhood (up to age 14)”- I don’t know what it means, for you, having “daddy issues”, would you like to explain?

And what was the nature of the rocky relationship?

anita

Dear Brittany:

You are welcome. The title of your thread is: “What’s wrong with my love life?” Well, you are experiencing difficulty with your very beginning love life because you are afraid. Anxiety is fear, a recurring fear,  not following a “clear and present danger” situation.

You had a date, the guy did not threaten you, scream at you, hit you or anything like that, so you were not in a clear and present danger situation, yet you felt afraid.

Your long history of anxiety means that fear will show up in different circumstances. Your troubled relationship with your father added to your anxiety, at the time. Maybe your anxiety started with the beginning conflicts of your parents’ marriage, maybe before; maybe at the beginning of their separation. At one point, your home was not safe anymore and you got scared.

Did you see a competent, quality psychotherapist for your anxiety?

* will be away from the computer soon for 7 hours or so.

anita

Hi Brittany,

I can relate, as I too had problems, trauma, etc as a child. In my 20’s and 30’s, it seemed, I had no problems. I lived in Florida, has lots of friends, was living the good life, had a better relationship with my father. Had a condo on the beach..everything seemed great. Yet, I could not seem to maintain a long term relationship despite intensive counseling and medication.

When I got older and out of college, I lost my Dad, and everything seemed to go downhill. I was to the point where it a man found me attractive, I had so much anxiety, I had to have a drink or two just to go out on a date. I have not dated in over a decade due to fear. I put too much pressure on myself and Psych myself out, and get extremely anxious where I had to cancel the date. This might be what you are doing. Putting too much pressure on yourself..like “will he like me”? And everything else our thoughts lie to us about. Instead, try thinking instead of “a date” think of it as “meeting a new friend” and just keep telling yourself that. Eventually you Will believe it, and it will take the pressure off. Instead of thinking “will he like me” think “what can this man offer or enhance my life” is he nice? Are we compatible? Am I having fun with him? Is he funny? That will also take the pressure off. Try to go somewhere that is not intimidating, like a comedy club, an athletic event, a video arcade, the whole time thinking “I am out with a friend”. Keep us posted.

Dear Brittany:

You wrote: “My mom said they were good at hiding the problems from us since we were so young”- unfortunately it is very difficult to hide problems and distress from children. Children are very perceptive, very sensitive. When a child senses the parent or parents are distressed, it feels unsafe, dangerous (the logic is something like: if my parent is unwell, who is going to take care of me?)

Regarding the other issue, you wrote: “my subconscious is saying ‘no, men only have sexual intentions.'”

Reality is that almost every single young man has sex on his mind. Sex is a very strong urge for a lot of young men. And some men (of any age) do have only sex on their mind when they encounter women- this is reality. This is why it is best to get to know a man without being sexually involved with him, get to know who he is, what he cares about… most importantly, does he respect you. Take your time to get to know the man and only after you know enough and like what you know, then consider further intimacy.

anita