Dear sunseeker1:

There are multiple items in your thread: the breakup of last December, the other guy, online dating, lack of friends, age, childbearing, weight, race. First thing I want to do in my reply to you is go to the Serenity Prayer. I am not religious, so I start it with: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The things you cannot change:

1) your current weight. Whatever it is currently, you cannot change it at this moment, and you cannot change it significantly by tomorrow or next week. Losing weight and maintaining a desired weight is a long term process involving changes in thinking, managing emotions and changing habits.

2) your current single status and having no viable candidates, currently, for a romantic relationship that may lead to marriage and children. Your ex doesn’t read like one, neither does the other guy. Some women never get married and never have children. This may be your reality. Maybe not. But accept the possibility with as much calm as possible will benefit you. Paradoxically, calm with the possibility will increase your chances of getting married and having children.

Things you can change:

1) your weight, over time. If you want to, not for the sole purpose of causing men to be attracted to you. There are plenty of thin or thinner women (of any race) who are unhappily single, men not being attracted to them. (Weight in the context of relationships is not The Solution to having a relationship and life is not easy sailing once a person loses weight). This may be a worthy goal for you, involving diet, exercise, meditation, a new lifestyle.

2) you can stop seeing the other guy because you are not interested in that kind of a relationship. You are interested in marriage and children, so aim only at men who are interested in the same and don’t waste your time (however much of it you have, outside of work) on men who are not clearly and sincerely interested in the same. You don’t have to make do with any man just because a desired man is not present or available.

What do you think/feel about my input so far?

anita

Hi Sunseeker1,

Maybe instead of focusing on wanting to make new friends (which you can always try to do!) you can instead start focusing on yourself so that you love to be alone. It doesn’t matter if you are fat, or black. You can always love yourself. I like to make a list of things about myself that I want to change or improve, and then to create steps or strategies I can take toward achieving that goal. And then go out and take the first step! Appreciate the ability to be able to get better, to move forward.

Depression is often a sign that you are not letting go of something that you should be moving on from. If it is your ex-boyfriend that is making you depressed and preventing you from moving on, I often like to focus on the things they do that we usually block to make the person into someone better than they actually are, our idealization of them. Focusing on these instead of pining after the things you miss can help you start to move forward. Sometimes moving forward may be gradual, and sometimes it may seem so rapid it is overwhelming. But it is important that we try not to look back at things we cannot change. Instead, as Anita wrote, focus on the things you can control. And I think you may find more positive changes you begin to make in yourself the more the more other people will want to be around you.

Also, I just want to suggest perhaps focusing on other people instead of yourself. I only started to move forward from some issues that were holding me back when I started to trying to help other people. You say you have one girlfriend. What can you to help her? Or is there someone at work you can do a nice thing for? As the Dalai Lama XIV said, “We are visitors on this planet. We are here for one hundred years at the very most. During that period we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives. If you contribute to other people’s happiness, you will find the true meaning of life.”

Hi Sunseeker1,

Just wondering if you are feeling any better and how things are going for you. I hope you will stay in touch..

Dear sunseeker1:

You are very welcome. I know how difficult it is to change habits so ingrained in the brain. I struggle with a lifetime of overeating myself. I went as far as developing anorexia at the age of forty so to undo weight gain of five years, at that point. I succeeded but at a very high price of incredible anxiety (not recommended!)

Yes, I know how difficult it is. Last evening I ate only three small pieces of a chicken dish after my vegetables, what a pleasure it was to eat just a little of something, made me feel very good. The next morning, the overeating is pushing its way through, as it does every day.

It takes an incredible amount of patience and perseverance. It is working for me very, very… slowly.

I also understand being focused on a person who is not good for you- our emotions, despair, when intense, are very powerful. And when we feel powerless to withstand distress, we do whatever needs to be done to feel better, quickly, any which way.

I call the kind of patience it takes to change ineffective and/ or destructive habits, I call that kind of patience “excruciating patience”-because that is what it takes. That and gentleness with oneself. When you feel horrible and hating yourself when you eat junk food, that is not being gentle with yourself. I am still practicing this (with … excruciating patience), practicing empathy for myself instead of being critical and angry at myself.

I had this self-empathetic thought recently regarding the origin of my overeating habit: I suffered so much in life, no wonder I got attached to something sweet, something tasting good. I sure needed a break from my ongoing misery and distress.

It is empathy that will work for you, for the purpose of acting for your benefit, NOT self disapproval, anger and hate.

I hope to read more of your thoughts and feelings any time you are inclined to share them.

anita

Hi sunseeker,

I think the thing to do is look forward. You don’t have to keep holding on to the past. You don’t have to hold on to this image of yourself. You could even forget about yourself. Focus on what you love and hope. You are only 36. You still have so long to meet someone to spend your life with.

If you are having trouble concentrating mindful meditation can really improve your focus. I think the trick is continuous stretches of sound. When we are actively listening we are present, but when stop listening we tend to sink into our own worlds, and if we don’t like ourselves, those worlds can become very dark. Try to find more ways to shine more light into that world. Awareness helps to do that.

Also, I wanted to suggest maybe going to churches and sort of “scoping out” the church for potential friends or partners. I know a lot of churches have those after-mass get together or monthly dinners. Even if you don’t meet a friend or partner, maybe someone will can introduce you to someone who would be a good match.