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I'm a man and I don't think any woman can ever love me

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  • May 8, 2017 at 8:04 pm #148565
    Sean
    Participant

    Background,

    I’m a 29 year old man. Hetero. I’m a teacher and am very comfortable with my career path. I have many things going for me. I didn’t date anyone by choice for four years. I had a very nasty breakup which left me very scarred. Now I’m entering the dating scene again. However, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety and despair over it. I find I doubt myself a lot. I find myself feeling very inadequate. I can’t deal well with the innumerable rejections. I’m beginning to think I just don’t appeal to women and that I’m never going to be able to love myself and be confident enough to be a good boyfriend.

    I don’t know where to find the self-love and self-confidence I need to be a better man. I want very badly to be loved and to love someone. Yet I also feel sometimes that it’s my desire to love that turns off women. I feel like if I was crueler and didn’t actually desire love or loving that it would make me a better mate.

    I feel very hopeless, depressed and angry over it. I want to believe that I can make the changes I need to but sometimes I don’t know if I did that it would yield anything.

    I want to be in a relationship and I wan to believe I can find love. But some days I just want to give up. I wish I could be a ‘real man’ and just not feel any negative emotion.

    I know that’s rambling. I hope I can gain some sympathy and some clarity.

    Thanks

    May 8, 2017 at 8:48 pm #148591
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sean:

    I hope you feel better soon, that your anxiety and despair about dating lessen significantly.

    You wrote: “I wish I could be a ‘real man’ and just not feel any negative emotion”- a real man feels real emotions, and all of them, the pleasant and unpleasant.

    You wrote: “I also feel sometimes that it’s my desire to love that turns off women”- maybe the way you express your desire to love turns off some women, not your desire itself. If you have one date with a woman and call her the next day every hour to chat, and at the end of that day you tell her on the phone that you are in love with her, well that behavior may turn off a woman. But that is an extreme example.

    You wrote: “I feel like if I was crueler and didn’t actually desire love or loving that it would make me a better mate”-

    What would be a crueler behavior on your part that you are considering..? And what are the desiring-love-behaviors that you have exhibited in the past unsuccessfully (behaviors that turned women off?)

    * will be back to the computer in ten hours or so.

    anita

    May 8, 2017 at 9:22 pm #148597
    Alice
    Participant

    Dear Sean,

    I understand your pain very, very much.  I suffer from feelings like this too, and I understand that it is very hard sometimes.

    I know that after a hurtful rejection like that, it may be hard to piece yourself back together.  However, always remember that you are an awesome human being, and that it is their loss if they cannot see it.  You are trying very hard every day, and you are definitely not inadequate.  There will be people that notice you, and will come to treasure you.  Do not worry, there is always someone out there, rooting for you!

    And as to being a good boyfriend, just look out to be kind, every day.  Not only will it make others see you as the good person you are, it will change you from the inside out.  A caring word here and there, lending a hand when it is needed, a small present for someone, these can all affect you and others in a positive way.  Kindness and caring will heal you, and help you continue on.

    And it is not wrong to want to be loved.  It is a feeling that all of us have, a desire to fit in, to be accepted, treasured by someone.  It is not wrong to feel negative emotions, it is never good to hold it all in.  Men cry too, just like any other human being.

    I truly hope that you feel better soon, and I hope that you will meet that special someone one day (which you will)!!!

    -Alice

    May 15, 2017 at 1:09 am #149493
    Shae03
    Participant

    Hi Sean,

    i was so compelled to reply because we are in very similar boats. I’m 29, teacher and single now for almost 3 years after a rough breakup (my middle name is also Sean.. creepy!)

    i know exactly how you’re feeling right now, and I know there is plenty of others who do too!

    You sound like a great guy, and this part of your life isn’t forever. Even though it might seem it sometimes if you can’t catch a break.

    For me, it took a lot of soul searching to be happy single and not tie self worth into a relationship, and that’s something to come to at your own speed. As you said, self confidence is something found attractive, and I think people can pick up on that easily in others. Think to yourself, what is it you’ve always wanted to do /who you always wanted to be, and never had the courage to follow through and figure out a plan to that path. The passion it brings out in you, people will want to gravitate towards your positivity.

    Your part about being crueler, I get what you mean but probably wasn’t worded the greatest. You see girls chasing the bad boys and wonder why, it’s the confidence those type of guys have that is appealing, not the jerk attitude..

    hope this helps! Keen to hear back from you mate

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