Help me learn to deal with people. Bullied and culture shocked.

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This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.

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May 2, 2017 at 5:07 pm #147787

buddhaofhollywood
Participant

Learn to say NO!

May 2, 2017 at 8:36 pm #147803

Anonymous
Guest

Dear James:

I read a good part of your post but need more time with a rested brain to re-read and answer your post thoughtfully and thoroughly, and so I will do that in (my) morning, in 10-12 hours from now.

anita

May 3, 2017 at 8:18 am #147863

Anonymous
Guest

Dear James:

I attentively read the second part of your thread.

Before answering, I must attend to the concern you expressed at the end of your share: retaliation. You are afraid of retaliation, a possible consequence of you asserting yourself.

You already suffered bullying in both places, your original (Western) country and in the country where you attended medical school: rude remarks, people leaving the table when you arrive to it.. What other, future consequences (as a practicing doctor, otherwise) are you afraid of?

At this point I will answer your questions assuming the feared consequences, once examined, are not your life, your physical safety or your livelihood.

1. If you’re about to leave a place/institution where you were just playing it nice but have no intention of keeping in touch with people, what would you say to them on your last few days when they ask you to give them your contact details so they can keep in touch?-

that is a retroactive question, isn’t it, since you already left the country where you attended medical school? Retroactively, I would say to any and all those who acted disrespectfully to you at any time and who did not apologize and corrected their behavior: “I am not interested in keeping in touch with you because you disrespected me” OR, if that answer would have brought more rudeness on their part, I would say: “let me have your contact information and I will think about it (it, being keeping in touch with them)”- that may have motivated them to further act nice so to influence you to keep in touch with them.

2. What about if they get in touch with you after you left, act nice, then reveal that they want your help to help get them to your stage, but all you really want to do is cut them off for good?-

Here, you have to say: “Not interested.” If they ask for a reason, “because you acted disrespectfully toward me when I was in your country (and you can give examples).

3. I respected their culture while I was in their country, but that’s not the culture I belong to nor would I adapt it. Yet, when they migrate to my country, they find it a shock when I’m different to what they’ve seen, and feel the need to question me on every difference. What do you say to them when they ask you “why are you doing this” or “what on earth are you doing” or “what’s wrong with you” etc.-

To Why are you doing this?” say: because you acted disrespectfully toward me when I was in your country (give examples). To “what on earth are you doing?” – I am not interested in interacting with people who disrespected me as you have (give examples). To “what’s wrong with you?”- you can say: this question is really a statement, you are telling me that there is something wrong with me and that is disrespecting me.

4. How do you deal with people who hold you back (e.g,. Question why you are the way you are as opposed to being like them; or e.g. those who criticise you for being different). They want to bring you down to their boring, suppressed selves.-

You have nothing to do with them, no interactions. If they work with you (through no invitation or consent on your part)- keep contact minimal and professional.

5. How do you deal with those who are nice to they can use you.-

you see to it that they are do not succeed in their endeavor to dishonestly use you.

6. Trusting or associating with someone who is close to people you don’t like or are your enemies. Frenemies.-

unfortunately, I would let them go as well, have no contact, but let them know, if they were never disrespectful to you directly, that you appreciate it.

7. I’m afraid of being seen with someone who might not be socially acceptable e.g an older woman-

I didn’t understand your question. Can you elaborate- the older woman part?

8. Bullies/haters who hate seeing me making friends with others. They want to see me alone. They tell others to isolate me and badmouth me. They think I should fit their expectation of not having any friends. That I should be considered awkward by all.-

You can’t control what people say to others outside your presence. Again, my answer: have no contact, no interactions whatsoever with past and present bullies.

9. Dumb questions like “what are you doing”? “Why are you doing this”? I don’t mind giving a legit answer to genuine people, but it’s those hyperinquisitive, nosey annoying types who want you to feel odd – the ones who ask you in a “wtf is wrong with you” tone.-

again, no contact, no interactions-> no questions to answer.

anita

May 3, 2017 at 9:53 am #147885
Joe
Participant
Hi James

I really resonated a lot with your post, having to deal with people like you described.

You are under NO OBLIGATION whatsoever to stay in contact with these people. I would just block and delete them – if they carry on whining about why you have deleted them, just don’t respond. These people do not get to dictate to you who you should and shouldn’t associate with, and they do not get to make you feel bad for wanting to do your own thing. Or if you are feeling really brave, you could just be blunt and brutally honest about why you don’t want to know these people anymore. Being brutally honest gets easier the more you do it.

I agree with Anita when she states that you can’t control what other people say to other people. Some people have nothing better to do with their mediocre lives besides gossiping about others and that’s a poor reflection on their character, not yours. Something else I have recently learned for myself that has helped me be assertive when it comes to dealing with difficult people is that you are not responsible for how other people react. If these people are going to whine and be awkward about the fact you don’t want them in your life anymore then that is their problem, not yours.

Best of luck to you

Joe
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Joe.
May 3, 2017 at 7:26 pm #147985

James
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to consider my case and be so thoughtful in your response. It means a lot to me and I really appreciate that.

My response to some points you’ve raised are:

– “What other, future consequences (as a practicing doctor, otherwise) are you afraid of?”

>> The medical field is cut throat, and group strength means a lot. My fears are that doctors will nitpick me for mistakes I make and badmouth me to others and ruin my credibility. This will affect my career progress. I will do my best to maintain a professional relationship with everyone, enemies and frienemies included, but unfortunately, once bridges are burnt (including non-professional bridges), people have a tendency to take it into the professional realm and can quite possibly continue to tarnish my career.

– 6. “unfortunately, I would let them go as well, have no contact, but let them know, if they were never disrespectful to you directly, that you appreciate it.”

>> I plan to say something like “I really appreciate your company. Like yourself, there are many good people that I’m glad to have met, but I’ve moved on with life and my situation has changed. If we cross paths in the future, we’ll stop by for a chat then. All the best with everything.”

7. “I didn’t understand your question. Can you elaborate- the older woman part?”

>> Basically, I have met great people who are of all ages. I have gone out with (romantically) with women who are 4-5 years older, because we connected emotionally. However, many would consider this unacceptable for someone in their 20s, esp people from non-western cultures. It has previously led to me being questioned on why I’m hanging out with a woman who is older than me, wtf is wrong with me, why can’t I just find a girl my age etc. When multiple people ask me that, it makes me feel down and abnormal, and uncomfortable with the criticisms. It makes me wonder why people can’t just mind their own business and why they feel the need to butt in on my life.

I’ve read through the rest of our advice to the individual specific situations and am trying to take it on board. The question I have is, if you look away and ignore someone for their nonsense questions, and at some point you may need that person (like I did for translation), would that person not crush you as they have done so to me in the past? I guess if the person had no power over you (they aren’t your boss, you don’t need them for translation or group work or whatever), then it’s pretty straight forward to ignore them, but when you need them for something, they basically have power over you, so I find it difficult to ignore such people.

Once again, thanks a lot for your advice.

May 3, 2017 at 8:34 pm #147995

Anonymous
Guest

Dear James:

You are welcome.

Let me see if I understand: these medical school bullies bullied you when you were in their country. Now you are back to your country and they are interested in working as medical doctors in your current country. Am I correct? If so, they are not in a position of power over you. In the past you needed their help in translating, you wrote, but not anymore, since you are no longer a student in their country.

How can they possibly hurt you professionally if they are not employed as doctors, if they are not employed in the same place as you and if they are not your supervisors?

In the US there are attorneys who are also medical doctors. They handle MD’s legal issues, understanding medicine and law. If you could talk to such a person and find out if and how those bullies can hurt your professional career as an MD, that could clarify if there is at all a basis in reality to your fears.

You were not protected from bullies in high school or in medical school. I do hope that the law will protect you as a practicing medical doctor. As a MD, you may finally be protected.

I think that it is very important that you have no contact whatsoever with those bullies (and with people friends with those bullies) and have them all be in your past. To be nice to any of them, to help them in any way, to associate with them in any form will keep you in a fearful state of mind and give them further opportunities to hurt you.

Regarding dating an older woman- it is your business, of course, and no one else’s.

I do hope that your experience of being bullied has ended. It is regrettable that it ever took place. Do not accommodate bullies/ abusers. Do not submit to them, or to anyone who disrespects you.

anita

May 3, 2017 at 8:44 pm #148003

James
Participant

Hi Joe,

Thanks for responding to my message. It’s always cathartic to hear of others who can empathise with my situation.

We’ll have to work on becoming stronger, independent, assertive and kind at the same time.

May 4, 2017 at 4:10 pm #148079

James
Participant

Hi Anita,

You are correct – they want to migrate to my country to work. And you are right, I won’t need them and they won’t really have direct power over me. I guess i’m having some form of PTSD where I feel like I need a solution in cause I re-experience that traumatic experience where I’m in a situation where I need to depend on bullies to survive and I have no escape. And feeling guilty about cutting off the few good people who are unfortunately, close to the baddies.

How can they hurt me? By spreading negative word about me to others – e.g. don’t trust him, he had no friends at med school, no one likes him, he’s incompetent, etc.

On a side note, when I’m try to meet new people, I am often asked why i go alone or don’t have a group of friends and that this is very unusual for a guy my age. I tell myself that people who judge me for my social worth or on what others say about me are not worth it, but unfortunately, there’s not much I can do when some very beautiful and educated women are turned off by me not having friends.

In my country, the judicial system offers very good protection for bullying and harassment for people who are adults.

Once again, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me through. Thank you.

May 4, 2017 at 8:30 pm #148091

Anonymous
Guest

Dear James:

Will read and reply in about ten hours or so. If you read this by then, question: did you consider attending competent therapy to deal with the affects of the bullying on you (this “form of PTSD” you mentioned above)?

anita

May 5, 2017 at 7:16 am #148103

Anonymous
Guest

Dear James:

You wrote: “they want to migrate to my country to work”- don’t help them (bullies) in their efforts to migrate to your country. You suffered from their bullying in their country. It would be insane (wouldn’t it?) to help bring them to you now. They bullied you before, they are nice to you now (for immigration purposes), they are likely to bully you again once they no longer need you.

You wrote: “And you are right, I won’t need them and they won’t really have direct power over me”- you had to sit near them in medical school because of the alphabetic order. You don’t have to sit with them now. Don’t invite them to have access to you now or in the future.

You wrote: “I guess i’m having some form of PTSD where I feel like I need a solution in cause I re-experience that traumatic experience where I’m in a situation where I need to depend on bullies to survive and I have no escape”. – part of the PTSD symptomology is feeling as if you are still in danger although in real life, the danger is no longer there. I understand. This is why I suggested competent psychotherapy, so to heal from the trauma (the T in pTsd) and place the trauma in the past.

And again, don’t bring the past to you by helping the bullies immigrate and live close to you.

Regarding you “feeling guilty about cutting off the few good people who are unfortunately, close to the baddies”- that is the problem: if you help the “few good people” immigrate, let’s say, they may help “the baddies” immigrate as well and that is against your well being. Your job is to promote your own well being and no job is more important than that.

Another note, about the “few good people”- if they are friends with “the baddies”- what does that mean? Do they participate in the gossiping, in bullying people some of the time? What do they have in common with the bullies… Or are they bullies themselves, only… not as bad as the bullies in comparison.

You wrote: “How can they hurt me? By spreading negative word about me to others – e.g. don’t trust him, he had no friends at med school, no one likes him, he’s incompetent, etc.”

Who will be saying that? Fellow doctors you work with I a hospital setting? Supervisors? Patients? Janitors working there? A band of bullies barging into the hospital to spread the word…?

The bullies are at the stage of trying to immigrate to the country where you live. Don’t help them in any way. Put a distance of place and time between you and the bullies. Place the bullying in the past. Attend competent psychotherapy if that is what is needed to place them in the past.

You wrote: “I am often asked why i go alone or don’t have a group of friends and that this is very unusual for a guy my age…” Who are the people asking that? Who are the people in your daily life presently who negatively criticize you?

anita
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