Dear Angel:

I can relate to having a controlling mother – mine was very controlling.  I spent / wasted a lot of precious time and years trying to ‘not rock the boat’ – trying to have a relationship with her – while leading my own life. Much of my life was spent in secret, also, as a result.  I have grey hair and have the benefit of wisdom… of being able to share how much I regretted not listening to my own heart in my life – and do so now … but not as fully as I could be had I had good practice doing so my whole life.

Ditto to what Anita said !!

May I also recommend that mentally you really sever the cords with your mother – to not emphasize too much her happiness in your own mind.  It’s your life: she gave birth to you so you could live your life.  Not so you could live hers. She has already had a life.  What you do with your arms, legs, mind, spirit, body is your business – no one else’s.  Mother or not.  You are not being a bad daughter or horrible person by being you – if you were supposed to be her, you would see her face every time you looked into the mirror.

All human beings are here learning and growing – life is a process of growth. What one person likes, another does not. Oh well. That’s just called uniquenes and individuality: we are allowed to pick and choose life partners, life experience, where we live, study and work without undue influence and control by other people: they have their own choices and lives to live.

Shut the door on that mother-daughter connection and let a new one begin: one where you do not tell her as much perhaps … (is it any of her business who you date?)… where you decide whether the lotus blossoms of your heart ought to be shared with someone – parent or not – who does not have the ability to be present with you, to have compassion for you, to have true love of you – which would allow – even encourage- life experiences regardless of his/her personal preference.

When you are old or when you are sick and dying, which life do you want to say you will have lived? Yours? or someone else’s?

And this is no boyfriend’s business – what goes  on with your mom.

If the ex boyfriend is now with someone else (that was the impression I had from reading your message), then you may have to be prepared that you will be pining for him but alone.  You can tell your current boyfriend that you don’t feel you are ready to commit to someone else yet … but if he wants to keep it light hearted and date, you can handle that… you and he can have an open conversation that is based on mutual respect:  maybe he would like to date you and others also… or just others…

You can present to him in a very kind and loving way what has been going on in your mind … the push and pull you have felt in loyalty between your heart (not being over an ex) and your mind (this boyfriend), you thought you could think your way to love, and realized that you couldn’t… and how sad you feel at possibly letting him down.

Many a time that a relationship ended for me like this it was fine – my partners and I always remained close friends and no one was disrespected or hurt:  you really cannot help what the heart does. It’s really not in your control: the heart will love as it will.  But it is very refreshing and very honorable to be clear with others about this, too, because in doing so you regain your self-respect:  you will have ‘taken a stand for the heart’ – for what brings emotional happiness and joy – and this is a very important thing in life.  It will be one step on a long road of courage and integrity.

Integrity is not living someone else’s life: it’s being able to live yours, even if that means at times standing alone.

No one can buy integrity.  It comes from having the wisdom and courage to see one’s truth and then live in accordance with it.

I know if I were your mother, I would be proud of a daughter like that.

Best wishes,

Christine

PS As unthinkable as this may seem, it is not altogether unsual for a mother to be a bit jealous of a daughter – a bit like the fairy tale Cinderella:  it’s not even necessarily a conscious jealousy, but what it is is sort of that twinge of realizing that the daughter has youth and a full life ahead of her, and what better way to cure this jealousy but to hold back the daughter unconsciously… in subtle ways?  It took me many years to observe those dynamics in my family and that’s why I am bringing this up. You really cannot know a person even if they are your mother. It took me thirty years to really understand the ins and outs of this ‘mother’ that I assumed really loved me… and wow. I really wish I had not just trusted her so easily and been so honest with her.  There is no describing the infinitely better my life could have been.

I just shared all this because it’s never a bad idea to question what we believe about someone — to really examine what their behaviors are… how they seem to speak … whether it’s with ridicule, derision, or loving.  They may say, “I love you,” but what is the rest of what is said?  I can say I love you and stab you in the back, too, right? So… always wise just to be alert when someone starts to control or seems to have strong negative reactions to something that is nothing of their business but that is deeply important to us. Generally, it means to distance from that relationship and ignore that person’s discontent altogether.  It’s not you who’s unhappy with your heart’s desires: it’s her. Too bad!  She can get therapy if she has those problems!  You’re the one who looks in the mirror every morning and you have to answer to that human being inside — that heart of yours — for the decisions you make in life.

Hoping this helps in some way!