HomeāForumsāRelationshipsāHealing from a traumatic, toxic, on/off relationship…
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April 24, 2017 at 11:25 am #146507
AnonymousGuestDear erin:
You wrote: “Please donāt call me stupid ā I already know that I was.”- I am not calling you stupid because I don’t believe you are or that you were, not as in not being intelligent or observant. I will explain: the love you saw on his part toward you was real, from my understanding of your story. The sincerity you heard in his voice when he confessed about his cheating, wanting to not hurt you- was real. He was not/ is not a cold, manipulative man who fooled you.
You were correct: he did need your love, love is what can heal him, so you loved him best you could.
Now is the chance of increasing your wisdom: the fact that he loved you/ loves you is not enough to make him change his cheating behavior; neither is your love for him enough to make him change that behavior.
The problem causing him to sleep around predated you by a long time, many years. It is the lack of love he received in his childhood home that injured him and he keeps bleeding from that injury. Nothing short of healing from this injury-over-time will help him. Such healing is possible in competent psychotherapy where he will be doing a lot of work and go through a lot of distress in the process, becoming more and more aware of what he has been trying to not be aware.
You cannot heal him.
All you can do is protect yourself from a person who cannot be trusted to be in a monogamous relationship. Doesn’t matter his reasons, the behavior itself, the cheating, hurt you nonetheless and understandably so.
You ended your post with: “How did I let myself become this gradual and unrecognizable mess of insecurities and anxiety? And why do I still long for his love?”- because we people do long for love, and when we get attached to a person, we keep longing for love from the object of our attachment.
You let yourself become a mess, as you put it, because you correctly observed that he loved you; you took his love in, you loved him in return, but you didn’t see the bigger picture: his cheating stems from before he met you and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, not now, not in the future.
Your thoughts/ feelings?
anita
April 24, 2017 at 2:03 pm #146547
erinParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your reply. I have turned to several for advice on this, and your response has brought me the most peace and kindness thus far.
There were many times in this relationship when in the peak of my anger I would ask myself how I would want to be treated if I were the one I loved; if I were him, what would be the kind of treatment I craved and looked for. Maybe this is why it hurts so much, because we have such different moral standards from each other? I felt strong when returningĀ to that space of forgiveness for a while, but somewhere there was a turning point where all that I was left with was anger and uncertainty that I was doing the right thing. I’m afraid that I have changed for the worse from this experience. I can’t help but internalize the feeling that this was my fault, if I had only been a different way, he would have loved me in the way that I needed to be loved. I’ve turned into one of the meanest people I know, and my immediate reaction towards almost all other people is one of negativity. Ā I am afraid that I pushed myself to the limit in terms of the kind of love I can give to people without feeling as though it should be reciprocated. In short — while I want to protect myself, I’ve become jaded, bitter, and antagonistic and don’t know how to tap into the emotions that Ā made me who I used to be anymore. Ā This makes me so frightened and lost.
April 24, 2017 at 7:01 pm #146575AnonymousGuestDear erin:
I re-read some of your original post just now, looking for the information, didn’t find it: how long ago was the breakup and is it the final breakup? Is it possible that this is an off before an on of this “on/off relationship”? And is he still pursuing you?
I think that your emotional attachment to him has been so strong that you chose to forgive him every time, to push down your anger and show him love and compassion. Maybe what is happening now is that it is sinking in that this is over and all that anger you pushed down during the relationship is storming out of you.
Only your anger is turned at you, not at him. I think it is because, as you wrote, you are still, present tense, very attached to him.
It is a good idea for you to attend competent psychotherapy. This relationship has such an affect and effect on you, like you wrote: “This is bleeding into every aspect of my life”-Ā you need help to heal from this.
Maybe if you get angry at him, for cheating on you, for hurting you as he did, then you will stop being angry at yourself and at others.
Waiting for your answer (first paragraph). Can you explain also, the anger issue- where is the anger at him and is it possible that anger is misdirected at yourself, sort of you protecting the object of your attachment and blaming yourself?
anita
April 26, 2017 at 12:50 pm #146865erinParticipantanita,
Thank you for your response. It’s almost been two months now. He is not trying to pursue me anymore. I have no idea what the future holds. I’m not really sure how I feel and whether or not I can prevent my feelings from clouding what I know is true, whatever feelings they are. I definitely am so angry at him for hurting me like this, and at myself for still thinking about it. When I found out, I was hysterical, throwing his things and physically trying to fight him. I waver between anger and sympathy for him when all I want is to feel nothing at all. And I have anger at myself for letting this affect me so deeply. I am angry at the injustice that he gets to move on and be with someone new, while I’m left here picking up all the pieces of the mess he made.Ā I am angry that he finds it so easy to pick up and move on with his life when I’m trying and I can’t. I resent him just for being him and I’m angry at myself for feeling that way about another human being. I have certainly developed an inferiority complex. Here was someone who everyone says is genuine and kind and a great catch, so in my head, I feel like it must have been something about me that provoke him to cheat and to lie. I really don’t think that he would do this to anyone else or ever again, so the triggering factor must have been me. And then at the same time, I have to tell myself it’s not true, and every day is a constant battle between these thoughts. It’s mental torture day after day.
April 26, 2017 at 2:40 pm #146875AnonymousInactiveDear Erin,
First of all, don’t blame yourself or call yourself stupid. We let ourselves go into our emotions, acting irrationally, and putting love on top of everything. However, unfortunately love is not enough and we learn it the hard way in life.
The only thing you have to do right now is focus on you. Take good care of yourself. Learn how to love yourself, how to make you feel good. This is a great path to healing. Meditate, Exercise as it releases endorphins and will make you feel good, accomplished. Once you start doing these things, life will start flowing back again. The focus should be all on you š I promise you will be fine, and a better, experienced, mature and confident person š
April 27, 2017 at 2:34 am #146923
DonnaParticipantHi Erin, I’m commenting because I have been where you are & learned from it. I went through years of this with a guy I thought was the love of my life, best friend, soulmate. There are so many similarities. In my situation there was more beyond the cheating & deceitfulness, such as being taken advantage of financially. I don’t know if what I figured out applies to you & your ex, since I don’t know if there’s more to the story, but look up Narcissistic abuse. I was shocked when I learned about this, how much my ex fit the descriptions, almost completely. There’s a sense of entitlement & lack of remorse or guilt. And I don’t know if you’re anything like me, but I had figured out years ago, before I even met him, that I had abandonment issues from childhood. Once I learned about Narcissist abuse, I also learned that Narcissists & people with abandonment issues are often attracted to each other because they sort of “fit” together. Of course, this comes out painful for the one with the abandonment problem. I also learned & realized that he will never be any different. And though thereĀ may have been some genuine feeling or love he felt, he probably stayed with me so much because I put up with it. Also, don’t blame yourself for behaviors like looking at his phone. When I first started doing things like that I felt horrible, I had never done anything like that in any relationship before. But then my sister & friends said, are you kidding?!, I would have been doing that & more way before that! I’m not condoning that type of behavior, but I’m saying it’s aĀ natural reactionĀ when someone breaks your trust. What he did was a huge violation. That is his fault, not yours. My ex used to make me feel bad about being suspicious or asking questions or checking up on things. He acted like it wasĀ meĀ who had the problem! But at least I knew better because I’d been in enough long term relationships already to know I wasn’t usually like that. Yes, after experiencing someone like this you will have trust issues, but that just means you need to look for someone who is decent enough to care about building trust with you. Don’t feel bad about going back & forth, forgiving, having attachment, or still missing him – that is all natural. You developed feelings for him & loved him. He was the one who did hurtful things, betrayed you, & destroyed the trust in the relationship. You are only reacting to his callous behaviors. However, the only thing that helped me was to keep myself away from him. I finally ended the relationship. I gave in & talked/texted with him for a few weeks afterward & even saw him a few times, but finally I was able to start ignoring texts, block him (which I thought was mean at first until a friend said that I was treating him better than myself because I was more worried about being mean to him than taking care of myself – & they were right – so I blocked him), & I moved on with my life. No, it was definitely not easy. It hurt a lot. But grieving is normal & after a while you get used to that hurt feeling just being there, knowing it will disappear little by little over time. Just get as much support as you can while grieving – talk to as many friends as you can or find support groups, whatever you have to do. I hope something I’ve said helps. I truly understand what you’ve gone through.
April 27, 2017 at 10:10 am #146985AnonymousGuestDear erin:
You are welcome.
Over time, you are likely to feel less and less until there is only a dull pain, or maybe no feeling at all. Only the memory of what happened. If you learn from this experience all that you can, you will stop being angry at yourself. I wish that the sympathy you sometimes feel for him, that you will feel it for yourself, for you have suffered and are still suffering, and it is not you who cheated- so empathy for yourself, please. Direct your anger at the perpetrator (of cheating and lying)Ā and away from the victim.
You wrote: “Here was someone who everyone says is genuine and kind and a great catch”- often, what “everyone says” is not true. Often, everyone is wrong.
And therefore, your conclusion that “it must have been something about me that provoke him to cheat and to lie” is incorrect, being based on the wrong information
The correct information is: he is not genuine, kind and definitely not “a great catch”.
I challenge your conclusion: “I really donāt think that he would do this to anyone else or ever again”- from your sharing, it reads to me very likely that he will.
You wrote: “every day is a constant battle between these thoughts. Itās mental torture day after day.”- this is why I think competent psychotherapy will be helpful to you, short term may be helpful enough!
Hope you post again.
anita
April 28, 2017 at 5:46 am #147093erinParticipantThank you, Anita, so much. It’s this support that is so vital to the process I think… I try to tell myself these things over and over as affirmations — even if I don’t necessarily believe them to be true at the time, if I consciously get into the habit of repeating these thoughts in my head then I hope they will eventually sink in. It’s frustrating because I’ve tried to time after time repeatedly for two years Ā to just “snap out of it” and to wake up to the chaos that I’ve been living in. After one point you just accept that chaos and pain to be the norm, for his truths to be THE truth, and if I try to be anything else I feel like I’m living a lie.
Thank you, cath — I can feel your kindness and care through your words and it’s having a positive effect on me. š Ā I am certainly trying to find activities that put me into a flow state and to feel more like me. It has been Ā the moments when anger rises up inside of me like an unexpected tidal wave at even the slightest triggers that frighten me — I think I just need to trust in these feelings as a process and not fight them.
To your point, Donna, I did wonder many times about the narcissistic personality thing. And he most certainly had some narcissistic tendencies (but don’t we all?). It was actually very interesting to meet his father, because while his father had done some terrible things to hurt my ex and his family, I still found myself liking him and drawn to the charismatic nature of his behavior. It truly makes me wonder what is going on here, and as someone who still genuinely cares for my ex and his mental state, I suspect this talk about narcissistic personality stems most likely from his upbringing and what he was taught about love and partnership. I do hope he can heal from that pain.
I hear your suggestion about psychotherapy and have considered it often, to get to the root of why I let this happen for so long. I talked to several sources at different times, but I think I was looking for some kind of diagnosed cure-all and answers of enlightenment from professionals — when unfortunately it doesn’t work that way and you have to really just work through it.
April 28, 2017 at 8:10 am #147105AnonymousGuestDear erin:
You are welcome!
The affirmations you tell yourself, the reason you don’t “necessarily believe them to be true” is that they probably conflict with your core beliefs. Can you state here a couple of affirmations you most hope will “sink in” over time?
You wrote that you tried to āsnap out of itā and failed at it. Clearly, it doesn’t work, most likely: impossible to work .
You wrote:Ā “After one point you just accept that chaos and pain to be the norm, for his truths to be THE truth, and if I try to be anything else I feel like Iām living a lie.”-
I am wondering if this experience with the ex has something to do with your experience as a child (most often it is the case). My question: can you share about your childhood home, your relationship with your parents then and now?
anita
April 28, 2017 at 8:12 am #147107AnonymousGuest* didn’t submit properly…
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