Hi,

I’m new to this so please be kind. I’m a 28 year old woman who up until almost 2 years ago felt that I could achieve anything I want to in life. I have got into a relationship with what I am starting to think is an emotionally abusive guy and I cannot break free. I have lost my way, my self esteem has gone and I am too exhausted to pull myself out of this hole. What is most difficult is that I look back on when I was full of fun, dreams and head strong. I’m now a tired, emotional, nervous wreck with no confidence or drive. I don’t recognise myself.

I am in no way perfect as a partner, but some of the things that I suspect are emotional abuse include:

– Telling me that I don’t have any hobbies (I absolutely do), that I am my company’s little b*tch  and so why do I care so much – I worked extremely hard to get to where I am at he knocked that out of me in one sentence (he does not have a job currently, nor any hobbies…)

– Hacking into my phone whilst I am asleep, then waking me up by screaming at me about messages that he has seen from male friends (I have never cheated on him, but met up with guy mates from uni for a drink). This happened more than once – where he will read my phone behind my back then bring up something just before we are going to sleep, saying something like ‘I have got evidence of you doing X… with X… – so you can tell me the truth.’ Then when I say that yes okay I met up with them for a drink or whatever, he laughs at me and says ‘I don’t really have evidence I just wanted to see if you were lying to my face’. I never do this to him.

– Asking if he can bring his girl mate to my dinner party the first time that he met my friends, then when I explained that I felt uncomfortable, he said he wasn’t coming unless I involve her and learn to be inclusive of his friends.

– Calling me names including the C word really easily if I ‘wind him up’…this really upsets me and I have found myself also lashing out in defence, which in turn makes me not like myself. He says he feels like he needs to put me in my place.

We have so many discussions around how to be loving and caring to each other , and agree we need to find a level of understanding and communication to make it work, but it seems like there is an upset almost every week.

He says that he cannot connect with me and that I am a closed book. I am so hurt and sad deep down inside that I cannot open up to him, but I also don’t have the confidence to leave because when it is good, it’s really good – we have lots of fun and I do feel like he understands me.

I need to find the strength to leave because I am ruining my own life. I feel like I can’t talk to my friends or family anymore because we have had so many ups and downs and I feel so isolated.

Can anyone please advise on finding the strength to make a change and stick to it? We have broken up countless times and always reunited with promises of making it work and moving forwards. I feel like I am addicted to the relationship as when we are not together I feel deeply depressed, almost to the point of not being able to get out of bed.

Thank you.