I wrote on here a few months ago about my increasingly emotionally abusive 21 year relationship. We have two kids aged 9 and 5 and we were together since I was 17 (he is 8 years older than me). Without going into too much detail about the past, he was always a bit insecure and his needs always trumped mine. We moved overseas 5 1/2 years ago and our lives flipped where I was working full time and he was a SAHP. It was the way things panned out because he made no effort in trying to find work, and I found a good job. I was at home most of the time (home based) but travelled overseas on occasions. His self worth diminished and he got used to letting me doing everything and I continued to do so. Whilst he adores the kids and has their best intentions at heart is is hyper critical and lacks patience. I realized that it wasn’t a healthy living for them or me after episodes of aggression, constant egg shell walking, feeling like I couldn’t do anything right. The more I tried to work on issues the worse things became. I was utterly miserable.

I left 12 weeks ago, and up until last week he still thought that we might be able to try again. He has been very unpredictable with his moods ( as was expected) and in my eyes his mental health is precarious so I have maintained contact to make sure he is ok. He has been to the doctors and is on anti depressants and he had one session with a psychotherpist but gave up as it felt too uncomfortable (I know, I know). Last week he gave me a four page letter which discussed issues where he felt he had gone wrong and hoped that we could have a “new” relationship and move on from the past. I have told him over and over again that I need head space and i didn’t think that getting back together was an option. I told him I was broken and needed to work on myself and he turned it all back to him again. Over the holidays it all went to shit. I had the kids and he started drinking heavily. He went from love bombing me to abusing me over messages. I kept calm, kept the same message, finally on Monday morning he seemed to get it and backed right off.

So, I know in my rational brain that he indeed does not respect or love me like he says he does else he wouldn’t have behaved like that. But I also know he is hurt and angry and he doesn’t know how to behave. But today the communication has gone right back to being about the kids, he has apologized and I feel so so sad. I feel so so guilty. I still feel like I need to help him. How badly does he need to treat me before I can emotionally shut down and not let it bother me? I feel like I need him to understand what he did, I need him to see my side of things, but I know he never will.

I have been reading a lot about recovering from emotional abuse, I am exercising and eating healthy, keeping myself busy, sleeping ok, spending time with family and friends but nothing seems to be improving in my emotions. i actually feel worse than I did the day I left full of resolve. I am even doubting at times if I did the right thing. I still love him, I still want to care for him but he is toxic I know that.

My boys have been wonderful, they have adapted so well and they have both said how much calmer he is when they are with him (so one positive). I feel much more relaxed in my own home, but its the emotions I am struggling with. Any ideas on how I can move this forward, or is it just really time?

Thanks in advance and sorry if it is a bit waffly!